Telling your child they were rejected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why do parents put their young children in these situations? Are you not ashamed for gambling with their self-esteem just so you’d have a shot at increasing your own social capital?

Kids are stronger than you give the credit for. They can handle a little rejection in life and it builds their self esteem to not be crushed by it. And you are ludicrous if you think all parents go through this crap for themselves.

I agree learning to handle rejects an important skill, but let's not pretend there aren't plenty of parents doing this for their own benefit as much or more than their kids.

I doubt it. Having been through a few times, I tend to doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The same child who was flat out rejected in 4th grade, went to a smaller school for MS, and just got admitted everywhere in 9th grade. We always Tried to be honest with DC so all the good news today had a very special taste. DC feels like all the hard work paid off.

How wonderful for your child! Congratulations!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The same child who was flat out rejected in 4th grade, went to a smaller school for MS, and just got admitted everywhere in 9th grade. We always Tried to be honest with DC so all the good news today had a very special taste. DC feels like all the hard work paid off.

How wonderful for your child! Congratulations!!!

Thank you very much. We will do our best to pay forward.

Olivia Colman's speech would fit perfectly here: "Any little girl that's practicing her speech on the telly, you never know." Good luck, everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about not framing it as “rejected”? A LOT of this is luck. Just not enough spots for everyone.

+1. My DD is young, so we don’t discuss it much, but obviously she knows she went on a bunch of play dates. I just say each school only has so many spots, and they have to figure out how many kids they can fit, and sometimes we may not fit if they have a lot of kids who want to go there. It helped that we never pushed any one school (despite our own preferences), and she liked things about all of them.

This sounds like the right approach. For OP, I would not talk about being rejected but instead say that Mommy and Daddy have decided that XYZ School is the best option for child/family, and that it is all very exciting! This reframes the discussion from being at the mercy of an arbitrary process to making conscious and deliberate choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why do parents put their young children in these situations? Are you not ashamed for gambling with their self-esteem just so you’d have a shot at increasing your own social capital?

Kids are stronger than you give the credit for. They can handle a little rejection in life and it builds their self esteem to not be crushed by it. And you are ludicrous if you think all parents go through this crap for themselves.

Yeah, but a lot do. I listen to private school parents spew all of this bullshit about why it’s so much better but why would so many feel the need to talk about it so much if it wasn’t all about them. You people are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why do parents put their young children in these situations? Are you not ashamed for gambling with their self-esteem just so you’d have a shot at increasing your own social capital?

Kids are stronger than you give the credit for. They can handle a little rejection in life and it builds their self esteem to not be crushed by it. And you are ludicrous if you think all parents go through this crap for themselves.

Yeah, but a lot do. I listen to private school parents spew all of this bullshit about why it’s so much better but why would so many feel the need to talk about it so much if it wasn’t all about them. You people are disgusting.

PP, you need help. I hope you get some.

Some private school parents get defensive because people like you attack them. When we decided not to attend our local public, which was highly regarded, we were attacked by several so-called friends who accused us of, variously, being stupid, wasting money, thinking we were better than everyone else, and more. It was all about them, nothing about us.

Our DCs are thriving at privates. Perhaps they would have in public, too, but we chose private.

Anyone who responds to others’ choices - choices that don’t affect them — with so much vitriol is sick. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Rejected? If that’s the way you frame it, no wonder you’re struggling. Maybe you should have started way back at the beginning with “We’re going to apply to XYZ see if they have room for next year.” Because let’s be honest, generally all of the applicants are “qualified” and “fit” is the most subjective word on the planet. It always comes down to space.

[Anonymous]

OP is being honest. They were obviously not accepted by their first choices or perhaps any of their choices. It's not a happy situation. Be more sympathetic.

In the case of the child, it depends so much on how invested they were in the application. If very invested then be sympathetic and try to provide some distractions. Don't pretend it's not a big deal if it is in their eyes.

[Anonymous]

Tell them that their first choice didn’t want them, and so they should now use that as motivation to crush that school’s kids in math and science competitions, and on the soccer field. In addition, teach them to sneak in a red card level challenge off the ball when the referee’s head is turned (though try not to cause any injury - we have a strong code of moral ethics in our family and that would be over the line).

Revenge is sweet. It’s an important life lesson.

(I feel silly needing to say this, but obviously, I kid. Getting rejected just means that your kid got caught up in a numbers game. Nobody’s fault, and it’s no reflection on your kid. Just tell them that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about not framing it as “rejected”? A LOT of this is luck. Just not enough spots for everyone.

+1. My DD is young, so we don’t discuss it much, but obviously she knows she went on a bunch of play dates. I just say each school only has so many spots, and they have to figure out how many kids they can fit, and sometimes we may not fit if they have a lot of kids who want to go there. It helped that we never pushed any one school (despite our own preferences), and she liked things about all of them.

This sounds like the right approach. For OP, I would not talk about being rejected but instead say that Mommy and Daddy have decided that XYZ School is the best option for child/family, and that it is all very exciting! This reframes the discussion from being at the mercy of an arbitrary process to making conscious and deliberate choices.

That works for little kids. Older kids are much more involved in the process and develop their own preferences along the way.

[Anonymous]

What grade, OP?

When DS was applying for K, we told him that he would be going to School ABC next year — you remember, the one with the big red slide? I think you're really gonna like it!

And that was that.

When the same kid was applying for 9th, we shared the schools' decisions with him in a very matter-of-fact way, just as you would with another adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why do parents put their young children in these situations? Are you not ashamed for gambling with their self-esteem just so you’d have a shot at increasing your own social capital?

Something tells me your child is already screwed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them that their first choice didn’t want them, and so they should now use that as motivation to crush that school’s kids in math and science competitions, and on the soccer field. In addition, teach them to sneak in a red card level challenge off the ball when the referee’s head is turned (though try not to cause any injury - we have a strong code of moral ethics in our family and that would be over the line).

Revenge is sweet. It’s an important life lesson.

(I feel silly needing to say this, but obviously, I kid. Getting rejected just means that your kid got caught up in a numbers game. Nobody’s fault, and it’s no reflection on your kid. Just tell them that.)

Of course, you are kidding. But, hey, human nature: It does feel good to beat the people who essentially said you are not good enough for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why do parents put their young children in these situations? Are you not ashamed for gambling with their self-esteem just so you’d have a shot at increasing your own social capital?

Kids are stronger than you give the credit for. They can handle a little rejection in life and it builds their self esteem to not be crushed by it. And you are ludicrous if you think all parents go through this crap for themselves.

Yeah, but a lot do. I listen to private school parents spew all of this bullshit about why it’s so much better but why would so many feel the need to talk about it so much if it wasn’t all about them. You people are disgusting.

Why are you on this board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why do parents put their young children in these situations? Are you not ashamed for gambling with their self-esteem just so you’d have a shot at increasing your own social capital?

Kids are stronger than you give the credit for. They can handle a little rejection in life and it builds their self esteem to not be crushed by it. And you are ludicrous if you think all parents go through this crap for themselves.

I agree learning to handle rejects an important skill, but let's not pretend there aren't plenty of parents doing this for their own benefit as much or more than their kids.

Some maybe, but you called on all parents to be ashamed.

To the PP who made the time to add their original derogatory post - why are you even in this forum? Honestly, how small a person are you?

OP, I can still remember the gut punch when DC was rejected at one school ( rejected ?? , my child ??)

And, no, we didn't apply so we could social climb. We applied to Private because, if DC got in, we would not have to relocate out of the District of Columbia

eventually DC got in somewhere great, but the WL is not known as " the suffer list " for nothing...lump in throat for 2 1/2 weeks while waiting, driving around Ward 3 looking for affordable apartments we could maybe rent so DC could maybe go to Horace Mann...

DC, of course, remembers none of it. Even a few months after the play date at the Welcome Picnic just before June deadline, DC did not really remember much other than having gone into the building and played with some kids


If DC is older , like 3rd or 4th grade, I'd vote for moving on and not even talking about it unless they themselves ask then just say " oh, that didn't pan out , sometimes its luck" and immediately pivot into the plan for summer and how as a family it seems that X public school is much better choice at this time