Single Parents or Parents With Deployed Spouses: How do you do it?!

[Anonymous]

I’m a nanny, and I worked for a military family. Both parents were in the military. When dad was deployed, I picked up a lot. I was second mom. I understood the situation and it was hard on mom working 11 hours and coming home to kids and being on mom duty. I took great pride in taking on more around the house so she could spend more time with the kids. Would your nanny be understanding and maybe willing to help out more while husband is deployed, with the understanding once he comes back work will go back to normal?
Could you do grocery delivery while nanny is working? Would she be able to put food away and make dinner for kids? Would she be willing to switch over your laundry in the day? Can you start your laundry in the morning and have her throw it in the dryer and then you can fold and put away? I know most nannies aren’t going to actually do the parents laundry but I see no problem in just switching it over.

Can you hire a house keeper to come once a week or twice a month? Does your nanny sweep? I feel like that would help a lot, if she could just wipe down counters and stove everyday and sweep. And then hire cleaners to come in.
Have her empty out backpacks and set out important papers that need to be signed or looked at. She can leave them on the counter, you sign leave them and have nanny put them back. Stock up on Trader Joe’s frozen food. Outsource as much as you can and see if your nanny would be willing to help out more with the understanding it will go back once your husband returns.

[Anonymous]

OP is allowed to have feelings but her situation is temporary and manageable. Buck up! And I don’t say that often

[Anonymous]

I have done this on and off for a long time. Did it when kids were young, did it when they were/are teens. DH in Afghanistan now. Just really organized, and clearing every mess as soon as it happens. Home from work and school, clean lunch bags asap, put away, feed kids asap. Had no nanny when US bound, had house help when we were overseas, but then DH was there too, so when I was alone with kids, I had no help. I don't know, I am from Eastern Europe so just keep on going, but my best friend is fully white bread American and did the same for years, and she is more organized and efficient and has more energy than me, so I thought I sucked at it. Don't know how, just one day at a time. Teen years are much worse than younger years though, for a parents alone. I am actually less organized when DH is here for R&R.

[Anonymous]

It's really hard! Especially because once you get pretty good at it, he comes home (which is awesome but also ironic).

Accept that you are just kind of always moving (other than when you are staring at your phone in bed at midnight, even though you should be sleeping but need some "me time" haha). And I highly recommend Trader Joe's frozen section. Reasonably healthy options and super easy to make. Also, I actually save money using Amazon Fresh...even with the fee. It really helps you to comparison shop so much better than wandering around the grocery store while exhausted and often hungry!You can often get it delivered same-day or next day.

When you're with your kids, try to enjoy them--laugh when they're funny, keep a mental list of things they do that you can look forward to sharing with your husband when you talk to him, give and get as much affection as you can--you are all in this together. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard! Especially because once you get pretty good at it, he comes home (which is awesome but also ironic).

Accept that you are just kind of always moving (other than when you are staring at your phone in bed at midnight, even though you should be sleeping but need some "me time" haha). And I highly recommend Trader Joe's frozen section. Reasonably healthy options and super easy to make. Also, I actually save money using Amazon Fresh...even with the fee. It really helps you to comparison shop so much better than wandering around the grocery store while exhausted and often hungry!You can often get it delivered same-day or next day.

When you're with your kids, try to enjoy them--laugh when they're funny, keep a mental list of things they do that you can look forward to sharing with your husband when you talk to him, give and get as much affection as you can--you are all in this together. Good luck!

Do you mind sharing what you get at Trader Joe’s? I kept hearing about the Mandarin Chicken (was too grisly for us) and the Chimichurri rice (too much sodium... like 58%! so I didn’t buy).

[Anonymous]

Been there and survived. My job had travel so my mom would come cover those nights.

Seriously lower your standards for things. You’ve gotten a lot of good suggestions. I would add:
- buy more clothes/ bedding for you.and the kids (you should have enough underwear for at least 2 weeks or a stomach flu
- figure out which night is the worst for you and designate it as pizza night or whatever is easiest for you- it might save your sanity and it is a fun tradition for the kids
-check out Harris Teeter express lane-it is like drive thru for food
- amazon pantry for paper goods/ bulky stuff or things that are consumed on a regular schedule (laundry detergent, snack bars etc)
- make everything as routine/ boring as possible (weekly menu/ weekly outfits) decision fatigue is real and brutal
- have breakfast for dinner 1 night a week- cereal at night feels like a treat- plus it has vitamins
-recognize that a deployed spouse takes an emotional toll not just a labor one and be kind to yourself
-join a gym with childcare so you can get a long shower or even exercise
-set a timer for 15 minutes of tidying/ cleanup/ paperwork each day- it is amazing what you can get done racing the timer
-there is no shame in rewashing laundry- use Nature’s Miracle laundry boost to get rid of musty smell
- ask for help/ or go to lunch with a friend- you deserve some downtime too

Good luck- you can do this!

[Anonymous]

In two weeks you will be in more of a groove. My partner isn’t military, but can be gone for six weeks at a time, multiple times a year. (Cakewalk for many, challenging for me.) I don’t have any help, minus an occasional sitter (very rare indulgence) and daycare. There will be lots of hard times, but it gets easier as time goes on. Definitely get the calendar thing going, and set a task or not doing for each day. You’ll find a good routine soon, there’s a ton of good advice up thread. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I have done this through multiple deployments and kids are now 6 & 8. You need to let your standards slip a lot. I had my kids in daycare and only had a housekeeper every other week. I would try to see about work flexibility. I used to work less hours in the office to have a bit more time with the kids and reduce the commute time. I would then log back in and do some more work after the kids went to bed. It made things a lot less stressful.

Dinner needs to be easy. Bean and squash quesadillas, pasta with green beans and pesto, rotisserie chicken and then use the leftovers for soup or chicken salad or tacos, poached eggs on toast. Seriously, think about stuff that can be done ahead of time or made fast.

Build your village. Try to meet up with neighbors and friends and get out and about with the kids so that you are getting support and social time outside of work. I had a standing brunch with friends with no kids on Saturday in Del Ray and we would walk to the playground after and take turns playing with the kids.

Give yourself a breather. A lot of this is probably due to deployment anxiety which is rough. I’m going on 18 years with my servicemember and it doesn’t really get easier emotionally but I have gotten better strategies for dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really hard! Especially because once you get pretty good at it, he comes home (which is awesome but also ironic).

Accept that you are just kind of always moving (other than when you are staring at your phone in bed at midnight, even though you should be sleeping but need some "me time" haha). And I highly recommend Trader Joe's frozen section. Reasonably healthy options and super easy to make. Also, I actually save money using Amazon Fresh...even with the fee. It really helps you to comparison shop so much better than wandering around the grocery store while exhausted and often hungry!You can often get it delivered same-day or next day.

When you're with your kids, try to enjoy them--laugh when they're funny, keep a mental list of things they do that you can look forward to sharing with your husband when you talk to him, give and get as much affection as you can--you are all in this together. Good luck!

Do you mind sharing what you get at Trader Joe’s? I kept hearing about the Mandarin Chicken (was too grisly for us) and the Chimichurri rice (too much sodium... like 58%! so I didn’t buy).

Sure! Kind of lame but my favorite thing is their frozen brown rice. 3 minutes in the microwave and it's really good as a side with anything. I always have a couple boxes of it on hand. And yea--definitely not health food but healthier than total crap food (like Kraft mac and cheese)! In any case, my kids like the Beef with Broccoli, Orange chicken (go easy on the sauce--just use it for a dip), veggie lasagna, butter chicken, palak paneer, shrimp stir-fry, chicken quesadillas. Tempura shrimp and mini tacos are yummy for lunch on the weekend.

Totally agree with the Chimichurri rice--not their best!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I’m sorry. DH is deployed now and I have a new baby so get it.

Outsource what you can. If this means you need to have grocery delivery, dry cleaning things you would normally hand wash, or hiring a cleaning service, then go for it. That tax-free deployment income will offset it nicely.

As for support, if somebody offers to help (one of those, if you need something, please let me know) take them up on it! I have always been really terrible at doing that but sometimes you just need a helping hand (especially if you are new to an area or do not have family around). And don’t be afraid to ask for help, from friends or neighbors, or look to your husband’s commands. Somebody “should” be checking in from the family support group or his chain of command, but if not, no the resources to reach out to.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation - 1 and 3 year old, deployed husband, slightly fewer hours but still averages out to about 10 hours a day. We struggled for the first few months (we're on month 4 of 9) but it's getting better. My kids are in daycare, but what's made a huge difference is getting an after-daycare nanny. She plans weekday meals, picks the kids up from school, does snack and a little playtime at home, cooks dinner, feeds them, tidies up the kids' areas and the kitchen (this is huge!), and is flexible on other time commitments. If I need to stay late at work, she's able to stay later and handle bedtime. If I have to go in on Saturday, she can come and watch them. If I need a night out (I think I'm going to go to a movie with some friends tonight after the kids' bedtime), she can watch them. Finding her was a challenge (I used care.com but interviewed about 5 people before I found her) and we pay a lot ($15/hr in a market which generally has a much cheaper babysitting cost than DC). I also told her I'd commit to at least 15 hours/week. I think this won't be that hard to hit most of the time, but if worst comes to worst, I'll have her take one of the kids for a few hours on the weekend and I can have some one-on-one time with the other kid. It sounds like your nanny isn't cutting it, so I would strongly recommend renegotiating with her (for her to do more around the house) and/or hiring additional help. Having someone help with meal planning, cooking, and tidying up made a HUGE difference for me. It's also allowed me to be a much better mom when I am home because I'm not running around stressed trying to deal with those things.

I'm still doing grocery shopping based on nanny's list (it's not a bad "family activity" to do with the kids on the weekend). I've been doing the laundry on the weekends but the nanny knows that she may need to help with it if I can't get to it. We have a maid service that does a deeper clean (including changing sheets and folding any laundry that's in the dryer) every other week. We also have a landscaping service.

All of this is expensive, but it's temporary and 100% worth it to help us get through the deployment. Take advantage of the fact that you're lucky enough to have two incomes (I seriously don't know how single parents do it...) Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a similar situation - 1 and 3 year old, deployed husband, slightly fewer hours but still averages out to about 10 hours a day. We struggled for the first few months (we're on month 4 of 9) but it's getting better. My kids are in daycare, but what's made a huge difference is getting an after-daycare nanny. She plans weekday meals, picks the kids up from school, does snack and a little playtime at home, cooks dinner, feeds them, tidies up the kids' areas and the kitchen (this is huge!), and is flexible on other time commitments. If I need to stay late at work, she's able to stay later and handle bedtime. If I have to go in on Saturday, she can come and watch them. If I need a night out (I think I'm going to go to a movie with some friends tonight after the kids' bedtime), she can watch them. Finding her was a challenge (I used care.com but interviewed about 5 people before I found her) and we pay a lot ($15/hr in a market which generally has a much cheaper babysitting cost than DC). I also told her I'd commit to at least 15 hours/week. I think this won't be that hard to hit most of the time, but if worst comes to worst, I'll have her take one of the kids for a few hours on the weekend and I can have some one-on-one time with the other kid. It sounds like your nanny isn't cutting it, so I would strongly recommend renegotiating with her (for her to do more around the house) and/or hiring additional help. Having someone help with meal planning, cooking, and tidying up made a HUGE difference for me. It's also allowed me to be a much better mom when I am home because I'm not running around stressed trying to deal with those things.

I'm still doing grocery shopping based on nanny's list (it's not a bad "family activity" to do with the kids on the weekend). I've been doing the laundry on the weekends but the nanny knows that she may need to help with it if I can't get to it. We have a maid service that does a deeper clean (including changing sheets and folding any laundry that's in the dryer) every other week. We also have a landscaping service.

All of this is expensive, but it's temporary and 100% worth it to help us get through the deployment. Take advantage of the fact that you're lucky enough to have two incomes (I seriously don't know how single parents do it...) Good luck!

One additional thing - taking a few minutes at work when needed to handle logistics (ordering groceries, going through the mail, etc.). Not ideal, but it's the only place I have the quiet I need to get some of these things done.

[Anonymous]

Mostly you just need time to get into a now rhythm, OP. Put a note on your calendar for 4 weeks from now. I bet everything will feel MUCH more manageable by the time you reach that date. A new routine is hard.