Single Parents or Parents With Deployed Spouses: How do you do it?!

[Anonymous]

I am drowning here after only two weeks of DH being deployed. I have two kids, 5 and 1, and a full time nanny (I work eleven hour days with the commute). My house is a mess and I keep forgetting important things like permission slips and routine doctor’s appointments. I have been giving my older daughter peanut butter sandwiches for dinner! The nanny only takes care of the kids laundry and my DD’s drop off and pick up. She has her hands full with a difficult baby during the day. On weekends I am failing to get enough done to get me thru the week with even my dry cleaning and laundry.

Please help with any outsourcing that actually helps. Things like grocery delivery take up more time than they are worth for me.

[Anonymous]

What are you failing most with? With laundry, can you throw a load in at dinner time, put in the dryer after kids’ bedtime, and then fold that night as you watch TV or something? That is what I do. With meals, it’s helpful to take 5 or 10 mins to come up with healthy quick meals... that way it isn’t 10 min to lunch and you’re wondering what to serve.

[Anonymous]

You need a large calendar in a spot you pass every day. Like by the garage or mud room. All appointments get put on it and you can clip permission slips and similar to it.

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you need help with? I'm not saying this in a mean way. If your nanny does the kids laundry, that leaves just yours. That should be very manageable.
You sound like you need to be better organized. Everything goes into a calendar - i use ical but do whatever works for you whether it's ical, google, cozi or a paper calendar. Spend a few minutes meal planning on Sunday.
I also don't like waiting for grocery delivery (or it comes and wakes up the baby) but I do like pickup lane express. Huge time saver for me.
Do you have cleaning help?
And finally - throw a side of fruit with the peanut butter and it's fine. I cook most nights for my family but one hates everything and has PB most evening. Use whole wheat bread and low sugar PB.

[Anonymous]

I had a housekeeper a few hours a day four days a week. She did the cooking four days a week, all of the laundry, and grocery shopping. She was also a little bit of a character and would be pissed if I left the house sloppy or didn’t eat what she has prepared.

The thing I remember helping me most was getting a good audiobook, then only allowing myself to listen to it at night while I did mundane things around the house like signing permission slips and picking up toys. Gone Girl came out while my husband was gone for a year. I have never had such a clean house.

Also, my dad coached my son’s 3 y/o basketball team. He lived 2 hours away, but it was just the right level of commitment for him. He felt needed, and it was really nice to have him as a routine part of our lives, but it wasn’t childcare or something he couldn’t miss. I really appreciated that.

[Anonymous]

If you have the money, get groceries delivered and dry cleaning picked up/dropped off. Post a large calendar on your refrigerator and post all appointments on it. Then, put the reminders on your phone. After the kids go to bed, throw in a load or two of your own laundry if you can. If not, do it on the weekend. I am a single mom and I have never had the entire house clean all at once. I clean one room per weekend day. When the kids are napping or asleep, I will clean the bathroom. The next weekend day, I will clean the bathroom. If you have money for a sitter, get one to come on Saturday night so you can run errands in peace.

[Anonymous]

You just have to kick it into overdrive, sorry but it's true. There really aren't any creative solutions for getting more hours in the day. My kids go to sleep by 8 and I clean for about 2-3 hours a night. I clean, organize, prep dinner for the following night. I run errands during lunch at work.

Is the nanny picking up the kids toys and messes that they make while under her charge?

Instead of grocery delivery, I like Walmart pickup. I work right next to a walmart. I add everything into my cart (and you can add non grocery too!) and then I just drive over there. They load it in my car then I go pick up my kids.

[Anonymous]

Not in your shoes but my husband works late and on weekends so I sympathize.

Can't the nanny be home for grocery delivery window? I order groceries on my phone during my metro commute or while standing in line to order my lunch at work, and make the delivery window after kid bedtime to force myself to stay awake doing chores when I am bone tired. I also listen to audiobooks as my only form of entertainment when my kid goes to bed, which lets me do chores at the same time. PP, I agree that Gone Girl is a great audiobook!

Can you ask to telework at least one day a week? You'd then have your commute time to put in laundry, etc. Don't bother folding it; just sort it into the right drawer so you can find it. My kid has over a dozen long sleeve tshirts and pants so that I don't have to do his laundry more than once a week. Do you need dry clean only clothes? I switched to unglamorous polyester blouses and washable wool trousers at work. Do you need to invest in an extra suit or two to allow for dry cleaning delays?

If dishes get overwhelming, switch to paper plates. Nothing wrong with PB&J for your kid but it takes a minute to microwave some frozen peas, cut up an apple, throw a hot dog into the toaster oven, etc. It will help to have groceries delivered. You can auto fill your cart with your last order.

You are still adjusting to your husband's deployment; it will get easier! Nothing wrong with taking a day off work to sleep and recharge if you need to.

[Anonymous]

Can you tell us what your schedule is and maybe we can help you with a routine? I have chunks of time that I devote to specific tasks daily. All runs smoothly until I get sick for a week or have to work in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Drop everything mom essential for now.
I only had a 1 year old and a nanny for a year while Dh was deployed.
Nanny doing kids laundry is great. Mine also did their sheets and the house towels.
I always have a hard time with laundry so I paternities I down to only do one max two loads of my own a week. No dry cleaning. Rewearing the same couple outfits every week but that way laundry didn't pile up and become unbearable. I dropped a load in the wash in the evening. Transferred to dryer in the morning.
Rethink dinner. I hate grocery store delivery too so I just narrowed down to a very simple and boring menu very similar every week.
Sunday: roast a bunch of chicken breasts and have some with majtard sauce and green beans
Monday: chicken breasts leftovers but with peanut sauce and Asian noodles
Tuesday: roast salmon and frozen peTuesday: breakfast for dinner
Wednesday: chicken sausages and roasted potatoes
Thursday: breakfast for dinner: friend or scrambled eggs
Friday: take out, or frozen pizza.
Saturday: make stew or soup and freeze extra

[Anonymous]

Single parent with two kids here (preschool and kindergarten) who works similar hours to you (but my commute includes two pick ups and drop offs). I don't have the financial resources to make some of the other suggestions feasible for us (e.g., nanny, babysitter, grocery delivery, paper products (plus, the environment)). I do have a cleaning service that comes monthly and have had that for a while. During the holidays I added a kitchen & bathroom cleaning in between the monthly and liked it so much I'm keeping it (for now).

The large monthly calendar in a visible location is key for me, as are calendar alerts on my phone. I can't stand clutter so I like everything to be picked up and put away before we head upstairs for bedtime routine. My kindergartner helps me with this (still working on the preschooler). Meals are simple. We go to the grocery stores on weekend mornings. Agree that getting into a routine makes things easier.

Not sure what else would be helpful but happy to answer questions.

[Anonymous]

I'm jealous that the OP and PPs have nannies. I've been a single parent (24/7/365) for 13 yrs and it does get easier. Little kids are just tiring. If you've got the money to throw at stuff (cleaning person, grocery delivery, etc) do that first. If not, try to trade with friends or neighbors. Once a month, my neighbor and I would babysit each other's kids and we would rotate getting a weekend afternoon off. We made a pack to do at least one non-kd/house related thing during our free afternoon. It was great! I would get coffee and and wander around the bookstore or go see a movie or get a pedicure. I honestly didn't have the money for it but it saved my sanity just having something to look forward to. Don't count the days until your spouse returns. You can do this. It may not be clean and on time but you can do it.

[Anonymous]

11 hours working days is really tough with two such young kids. So give yourself a break.

Food - Costco frozen food with some veggies and fruits added. Ravioli, chicken nuggets, etc. Keep it very simple.

Clothes - Take everything to the nearest dryclean warehouse or a laundromat where they wash and fold. Do that once to get a handle on laundry and then start doing laundry every day.

Cleaning - get a cleaning woman to come and clean.

I have a cleaning woman who charges by the hour. She has been working at my house for the past 15 years. She knows my house inside out and has been able to come and sort out the house even when I have been out of the country for several weeks. My DH can make sure that the kids are fed and alive and picked up from school (the essential parts that your nanny also covers), but nothing much beyond that because he also works. Having someone come every week for around $150 and sort out cleaning and the laundry, water plants, change bedsheets, clean the fridge and recycle is God-send.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I never had a nanny or any help at all (aside from my ex's parenting time which isn't frequent enough). Mostly, it didn't all get done. Housekeeping slid down the list of priorities, we ate what I could throw together, and we didn't have much fun - I never went to the gym, never had the money for a sitter, couldn't afford any baby and me classes, it was really hard.

Be glad you have 2 salaries and hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I never had a nanny or any help at all (aside from my ex's parenting time which isn't frequent enough). Mostly, it didn't all get done. Housekeeping slid down the list of priorities, we ate what I could throw together, and we didn't have much fun - I never went to the gym, never had the money for a sitter, couldn't afford any baby and me classes, it was really hard.

Be glad you have 2 salaries and hired help.

OP is allowed to have feelings.