Co-parenting Families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering what you think is worse on children for couples who are divorced.

Do you think living in the same house together, separate rooms, where the children know that Mom and Dad are Co-parenting together but not romantically together anymore. Not having to switch house holds every weekend/holidays. Seeing their Parents parent together, and interact with the kids together. But no physical affection.

OR

Switching households every other weekend, knowing Parents aren't together, but not having to see them interact.

If you are from a Divorced family and did one of the above but preferred the other, why and how did it affect you?

My wife and I have lived in separate rooms for 2 years. Not romantically involved by her choice but we talked about maintain the family structure because we have four kids. It was important to us to stay together and we do show physical affection (minimal). I know I have been unhappy for a long time but we agreed to see other people but not bring them to the house. It has worked for us. Communication that we lacked after 15 years of marriage is better now because we know that our kids need to see both parents instead of every other week. It is not for everybody but it works for our family.

[Anonymous]

My parents had the first situation and the biggest issue was romantic relationship with other people. My dad couldn’t be open about it and would lie to us (oh I’m sleeping over Larlo’s house) and eventually the other woman wanted to get married. Meanwhile my mom wasn’t dating so it seemed to be a lop sided situation. They also weren’t united in how they parented. I can’t say how much of that was part of the marital issues why they were separated and they were even less inclined to fix it given the break up or if the frustrations about the lack of romance in their marriage meant whatever good will they had in provinding a united front was gone.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t do it. I don’t know what you’re showing to your kids but I don’t think it helps them. All this talk about appearing ‘happy’ is so bogus and fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm basically option one. DC are under 3, and DH and I have bedrooms in opposite wings of the house. We eat all meals together, and are affectionate in a familial way. Hugs hello and goodbye, that sorry of thing. As a family, we spend an hour or so daily with DH on weekdays, and one day a week on weekends. Other than that, the kids are with me or already. I don't spend a lot of alone time with DH. We're a pretty happy family unit. We have not had sex in almost 4 years, his choice. I have a friend I see to get some of my needs met.

Wait your children are under 3 but you haven’t had sex in 4 yrs? Are they not his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm basically option one. DC are under 3, and DH and I have bedrooms in opposite wings of the house. We eat all meals together, and are affectionate in a familial way. Hugs hello and goodbye, that sorry of thing. As a family, we spend an hour or so daily with DH on weekdays, and one day a week on weekends. Other than that, the kids are with me or already. I don't spend a lot of alone time with DH. We're a pretty happy family unit. We have not had sex in almost 4 years, his choice. I have a friend I see to get some of my needs met.

Wait your children are under 3 but you haven’t had sex in 4 yrs? Are they not his?

Haha, excellent catch.

[Anonymous]

Hey there - I have co parented with ex and kids are doing well for past 5 years - separate houses 5-2-2 schedule -meaning Monday’s/ Tuesday’s at one house, Wed/Thurs at other, then alternating weekends - kids switch houses via school - so no need to drop off at other house during school year - we celebrate all holidays together, even sometimes vacation overlap together, ex and current husband get along

There is no single script

The biggest challenge is not physical location but mental orientation - don’t over react to the small stuff/ triggers - wait a day to send an email or text you might regret - give small concessions - pick your battles - you are in it for the long haul.

If you can afford it, a “traveling au pair” helps between the houses to give consistency and help bring lost/forgotten items...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm basically option one. DC are under 3, and DH and I have bedrooms in opposite wings of the house. We eat all meals together, and are affectionate in a familial way. Hugs hello and goodbye, that sorry of thing. As a family, we spend an hour or so daily with DH on weekdays, and one day a week on weekends. Other than that, the kids are with me or already. I don't spend a lot of alone time with DH. We're a pretty happy family unit. We have not had sex in almost 4 years, his choice. I have a friend I see to get some of my needs met.

Wait your children are under 3 but you haven’t had sex in 4 yrs? Are they not his?

Haha, excellent catch.

Is it though? Wow that was a real gotcha moment

Kid is almost 3 but not yet, so under 3. Plus 9.5 months of gestation. That adds up to ALMOST 4 years

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the idea of nesting, but because you are no longer a team, I worry that you might get the short end of the cleaning, organizing stick without any of the benefits.

[Anonymous]

FWIW....My parents had a loveless marriage, didn't sleep in the same room, etc. They thought they were doing this for us. When I was 14, I finally told them I wanted them to please get a divorce. They were both miserable, I overheard them talking to their "friends", etc. Never brought them home, never met a single one of my mom or dads "friends", but kids aren't stupid. I knew what was going on. 15 years later, I have a bonus mom and a bonus dad. It's great to see both of my parents happy.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced and remarried. I think that having 2 parents in the same house full time is better than separate homes.

[Anonymous]

For the above comment, I mean to say that I'm in favor of option #1 even though my situation is option #2.

[Anonymous]

My parents were option 1 and I wish they went with option 2. They were an awful example of what a marriage should be, and I have suffered in my adult relationships because of there choice to be miserable for the sake of the kids.

Kids don't live in a bubble, we have friends and we visit their homes for playdates, sleepovers, etc. I saw how other parents were so different from mine. Laughing, holding hands, being a real team. You could just tell they were in love and happy. I longed for my parents to just hold hands. They were so affectionate with me, yet so cold to each other. I just wish they would have divorced. Of course, they waited until we all went off to college. Like that made it better somehow. I would have much preferred two happy homes than one miserable one.

[Anonymous]

Two of our four kids are adults and they say the way we split was fine with them. I moved out and took the kids with me. They spent Friday after school until Sunday before dinner with their dad. I asked once if they would have preferred if we'd lived in the same house but not been on a relationship together and they said no, we needed more space than that (true). And then they asked, "Plus what about when you both started dating? That would have been super awkward."

So I'm fine with how we did things. The two youngest are still in school, and they seem fine too.

[Anonymous]

OP, your coworker touched a nerve which is why you're posting. If this arrangement was truly tenable to you, you would have brushed it off and moved on. Since you'd ask, I'd say that all of us respond better when the people around us are happy. I don't mean the "I get what I want when I want" type of happiness, but the truly content kind of happiness, where you know you are with people you love and who love you, where you have meaningful work to do, where you feel valued, like the people in your life view you as the best wife, mom, storyteller, bus driver... whatever. We've all been around people who are low level unpleasant until they find the right partner, the right job, the right house, the right hobby. If it were me, I'd sit down with the husband and talk about truly reconciling. If the answer is "no" I would look for other arrangements. I wouldn't skulk around looking for sex which is what everybody in these arrangements does even if they won't admit it. See the guy who posted about he and his wife having four kids and how unhappy he is, even though he admits to having girlfriends. Your children don't need to see you with another man, though all healthy adults need adult emotional and physical interaction... i.e. nobody wants to die alone without a loving partner nearby. Kids don't live in a vacume and notice when something isn't right, even if they can't explain it.