Scared to tell DH about KKI autism screening

[Anonymous]

A lot of us have had to push spouses (usually husbands, I guess). You just have to do what is best for your child. FWIW, my husband came around pretty completely to my side once he saw that the evaluators did not dismiss our concerns.

Also FWIW, the diagnoses were not exactly what I expected (I suspected anxiety and HFA and we got anxiety and ADHD). That was many, many years ago, but it the diagnoses were right on the money. Everything becomes clearer when the child is older but you don't want to miss out on years of helping your child in the meantime, right?

Last, I want to say that I know at least four families who had evaluations and did not receive any diagnosis. No one is going to force a diagnosis!

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes years ago. I handled it by waiting until the last minute and then announcing that this is what I was going to do. Things haven’t changed much - I still drive all of the testing and interventions and handle all of the appointments. I never spend money we don’t have. We’re at the point where we’ve reached a peace about it. But I don’t and won’t ask. I just make it happen and I take full responsibility for setting things up and getting my son there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You need to be strong, determined, even forceful, OP. You remind me of my best friend who has never persuaded her idiot husband that their clearly dyslexic child needs evaluation and treatment. They are in MCPS which recognizes many disorders but not dyslexia so she’s not getting any help or support at school. At this point it’s painful to watch this bright child struggling without any help. It’s downright parental neglect in my book.

There are no automatic meds attached to an autism diagnosis like there are with ADHD, so relax and do your research.

You both have to see this as “ruling out” a diagnosis, before moving forward with your lives. And if there is a diagnosis, then obviously your child will be well served with speech therapy, social skills groups, whatever he needs.

Like PP said, your situation is common. Don’t let your husband get in the way of your child’s best chance of progress.

But only the husband is the idiot?

I see your point, but the fault IS mostly on the person who refuses the evaluation. I suggested she do everything by herself, but she replied he would view this as a dramatic breach of trust. She is not an idiot. When you're trying to persuade someone and that person still refuses to assess their child, it's hard to muster up the courage to go it alone.

I was in that position once, and it was extremely difficult on our relationship. Frankly, it never quite recovered.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it helps to get a respected third-party to suggest that there may be issues that should be addressed -- e.g. the child's pediatrician if your child and family have a relationship with him or her.

E.g. DW talks to pediatrician and says that DH is reticent. If ped agrees there are developmental gaps or delays, have DH go with you or take DC to the next well-child appointment solo. Let the pediatrician recommend / tell your DH that it is strongly advised and why.

Barring that, I agree to just do it and not ask permission. And to do it very close to the appointment so as to not make it an issue for weeks or months. It may hurt your relationship but you have a responsibility to your child too.

Hang in there. I know it's not easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

[Anonymous]

It is always good to have a competent, thorough evaluation if there ant issues so you can get a differential diagnosis.

It is unfortunate they use the term autism instead of a more encompassing title. It does suggest they are on the hunt for autism to the exclusion of all else.

[Anonymous]

How old is your DS, OP?

I found it helped to have my DH see our DS more with same-age peers. He was so accustomed to our DS's behavior and didn't have a good sense of what NT behavior looked like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should open your mind to meds. Would you deny your child medicine if he had a physical ailment?

Wrong thread?

No. Did you read OP’s post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

Did your DH resist the IEP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

You have a huge attitude problem. Your husband*s opinion counts too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

Did your DH resist the IEP?

No he didn’t - I did it all myself, though. We did that right after DS had a disastrous preschool year, so I think he was OK with realizing we needed something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

You have a huge attitude problem. Your husband*s opinion counts too.

even when his opinion is that I am going to hurt our child by throwing him to psychiatrists who just want “medicalize difference” to label him and give him extremely harmful medicine? I wish that was an exaggeration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

You have a huge attitude problem. Your husband*s opinion counts too.

even when his opinion is that I am going to hurt our child by throwing him to psychiatrists who just want “medicalize difference” to label him and give him extremely harmful medicine? I wish that was an exaggeration.

Also he basically doesn’t believe in autism - he thinks it’s limited to the low IQ non-verbal kids he remembers from childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like we may finally get off the KKI Autism Center waitlist some time in the next few months, and I am petrified to tell DH. He doesn't think there is anything wrong at all with DS and is going to claim that I'm "railroading him with a diagnosis" and that I "just need to have more faith in DS" and will also freak out about how "they're just going to give him medication!!!" (FWIW meds are not on the table in my mind at the moment, and I am equally if not more cautious than DH about meds.)

Hints? I was hoping that the KKI eval would appear more general so I could just say "it's a developmental evaluation" but it says Center for Autism on the paperwork.

Tell him you've done the research and the evaluators in the autism clinic are "the best" and not likely to give a diagnosis of anything unless there is clear evidence. Tell him you know he sees your child differently so you hope he will fill out the paperwork and/or come with you so the evaluators have a full picture of what your child is like. And when you go to the evaluation, be open that you and your husband have different view points. The examiners there can handle it, and it will be easier for them to address your husband's concerns, or lack thereof, if they know how he feels.

Also, there is no medication for autism, so unless your child has significant behavioral issues that are likely to be improved with medication it is unlikely that will be something they recommend off the bat.

I think this is probably the best approach ... I think taking him on my own would be too dramatic, and would be harmful because the doctors would not be able to get DH's view.

I have to MAJORLY swallow my pride and just let DH say whatever ridiculous stuff and personal attacks he's going to make when I tell him. If I react defensively, it will just all go downhill.

The medication I guess would be if there was AHDH in the picture, but I'm not sure that's the issue here. He's got no problem so far functioning in class (with the IEP supports) and his social issues don't appear to be related to impulse control. But, I'm not sure, hence evaluation!

You have a huge attitude problem. Your husband*s opinion counts too.

even when his opinion is that I am going to hurt our child by throwing him to psychiatrists who just want “medicalize difference” to label him and give him extremely harmful medicine? I wish that was an exaggeration.

Also he basically doesn’t believe in autism - he thinks it’s limited to the low IQ non-verbal kids he remembers from childhood.

Would he be willing to read "Thinking in Pictures" or "Neurotribes?" If not, you can find some Youtube videos of adult autistic people talking about their autism. It might help him make the connection.