It would be a bad idea to go to family counseling with my narcissistic parents right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ha. I mean, just trying to talk to my mother about her emotional self-centered decision-making was a disaster. I think she'd turn the therapy session into: "I'm a selfless martyr, and my beloved daughter is disturbed and believes I'm evil. Watery smile. Long-suffering sigh. Eyelash flutter."

Look up covert narcissism! They're tricky bitches!

my mother!!!

[Anonymous]

Don't do it OP.
Unless you are just curious, and then don't expect much from it to help your relationship.

[Anonymous]

np: I am doing this. I figure it's better than no contact. Makes me feel I'm meeting my obligation to speak to my mom, without the possibility of ugliness that would lurk if we didn't have the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I m do desperate to have a normal parent/child relationship.

I get it. I've also grieved not having that normal relationship.

The thing is, the reason the relationship isn't normal is because they don't recognize their damaging behaviors. Yet, when confronted with those behaviors, they tend not to respond empathetically. It's too painful for them to think of themselves as less than ideal, so they resort to distortions of the truth and downright delusions in order to cope with anything difficult. Many times NPD's have themselves experienced emotional abuse that has affected their emotional development. They often don't know what offering nurturing looks like. So you might ask for emotional support, and they might even agree, but they won't necessarily be able to deliver.

Another caution is that NPD's can be manipulative. Their manipulations are often subtle and tailored specifically for the target. You may have even had the experience of trying to describe a crummy interaction with your parents to someone else and having your audience shrug wondering why the conflict felt so big to you. NPD's can bring that same manipulation into therapy. Even a trained therapist doesn't necessarily know what grenades your parents will throw and how things affect you. Oftentimes we don't fully process manipulation until the moment has passed.

One thing I have heard from adult children of narcissists about therapy with their parents that is positive: it's a chance to show up as an adult and set boundaries. If you have done the work on yourself to the point where you feel you can stand up to them, sometimes it feels good to do so. They won't agree with you or come to your side, but it's a chance to say, with a referee present "I don't agree with your version of events," or "I won't allow you to continue to with 'x' in this way." That said, this is still difficult and emotional work.

BTW, have you ever checked out the discussion forum on outofthefog.net? There is a message board with lots of great advice for those with personality disordered family members.

[Anonymous]

See a therapist to grieve the childhood/relationship you wish you had. Process this alone with therapist (or with healthy friends).

Do not involve the parents. It will make you crazy. Even if it provides insight to you and them, there's the ability to admit wrong, and then there's the ability to change. They likely lack both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this with a BPD sibling. It turned into them yelling and blaming me the entire time, quitting going to sessions, and them blaming me for it not going anywhere.

I'd say it was still semi productive - I got some validation knowing I tried, and it solidified me not wanting much to do with them going forward.

This was my thought too, it might be validating to have the therapist see the crazy and discuss it with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See a therapist to grieve the childhood/relationship you wish you had. Process this alone with therapist (or with healthy friends).

Do not involve the parents. It will make you crazy. Even if it provides insight to you and them, there's the ability to admit wrong, and then there's the ability to change. They likely lack both.

This is the key point. You say you hope to achieve a normal relationship. You never will with an NPD. You need to come to terms with that. It is OK to be really sad. In some ways it is harder to grieve for a living parent and the dream you had for them than for a dead one, because you can always be seduced by the hope that something will change. Nothing will change. Grieving and accepting that will allow you to get as close to the fire as you think appropriate (letting your kids know their grandparents, visiting occasionally, whatever you think is right) without getting burned either by their destructive behavior or the hope that they have changed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never have a normal relationship with them.

You could consider individual counseling to manage your interactions better.

+1. Yes to individual counseling, so you can understand and guard against dynamics that are negative for you, and so that you can figure out what is realistic to expect from the relationships.

+2 AND so that you can figure out strategies for you to manage yourself in your dealings with them. You will never be able to change them. You only will be able to change the way you act or react with them. Individual counseling will help you do that.

Put this another way -- the problem isn't them per se, it is how you relate to them and interact with them. Once you give the power to yourself to control how you relate to them and interact with them, you'll find that you are better able to control the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:np: I am doing this. I figure it's better than no contact. Makes me feel I'm meeting my obligation to speak to my mom, without the possibility of ugliness that would lurk if we didn't have the therapist.

Quoting myself here (I'm a narcissist too) but I have indeed found it validating to have the family therapist meet my parents over several sessions and then discuss her findings with my individual therapist. She reported that my dad is on the spectrum on lacks the capacity for empathy. My mom has untreated anxiety and can't interact with my kids very much because she needs her routine.

[Anonymous]

IF they are initiating it because they want to get better, then yes.

If you are initiating it to try to change them, then absolutely not.