Reply to It would be a bad idea to go to family counseling with my narcissistic parents right?

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Reply to "It would be a bad idea to go to family counseling with my narcissistic parents right?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] I m  do desperate to have a normal parent/child relationship.[/quote]

I get it. I've also grieved not having that normal relationship.

The thing is, the reason the relationship isn't normal is because they don't recognize their damaging behaviors. Yet, when confronted with those behaviors, they tend not to respond empathetically. It's too painful for them to think of themselves as less than ideal, so they resort to distortions of the truth and downright delusions in order to cope with anything difficult. Many times NPD's have themselves experienced emotional abuse that has affected their emotional development. They often don't know what offering nurturing looks like. So you might ask for emotional support, and they might even agree, but they won't necessarily be able to deliver.

Another caution is that NPD's can be manipulative. Their manipulations are often subtle and tailored specifically for the target. You may have even had the experience of trying to describe a crummy interaction with your parents to someone else and having your audience shrug wondering why the conflict felt so big to you. NPD's can bring that same manipulation into therapy. Even a trained therapist doesn't necessarily know what grenades your parents will throw and how things affect you. Oftentimes we don't fully process manipulation until the moment has passed.

One thing I have heard from adult children of narcissists about therapy with their parents that is positive: it's a chance to show up as an adult and set boundaries. If you have done the work on yourself to the point where you feel you can stand up to them, sometimes it feels good to do so. They won't agree with you or come to your side, but it's a chance to say, with a referee present "I don't agree with your version of events," or "I won't allow you to continue to with 'x' in this way." That said, this is still difficult and emotional work.

BTW, have you ever checked out the discussion forum on outofthefog.net? There is a message board with lots of great advice for those with personality disordered family members.

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