Working with DH is HELL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I run a consulting business together and I hate working with him. He is very rude and disrespectful to me at work on a regular basis. He allows resentment from our marriage to spill over into work and it's just hell. The business does better for us than we could do in the job market, so I put up with it. Today we attempted to have a business meeting and he just started screaming at me. I can't take the lack of professionalism and how hard it is to get things done. How should I respond to this type
If behavior? I am unable to do the business alone without his expertise.

You say “the business does better for is than we could do in the job market”.

I doubt that is true if you look at yourself and the bigger picture of what is compensation. Do you have good health insurance with a deductible comparable to being employed elsewhere? Although you can now get your insurance thru the ACA, my experience is that the total cost is not as good as that from a private employer (deductibles are still very high). Do you have emploer-provided life insurance? Matched retirement contributions? Disability insurance? Paid sick days? Paid vacation? Other benefits like commuting $ or gym membership? Do you have clear time off from the job? What would you do if one of you got sick or needed time to care for an ill family member?

Do you have access to professional training and education? Are you able to grow your professional network? Do you have “promotion potential” (in this case is your business partner supportive of you trying new things and taking on new roles or are you stuck doing the same thing over and over?).

What would your partner have to pay someone to do the job that you are doing? Are you getting at least the same level of compensation? Is it possible to hire someone to do all or most of your job?

Are you sure you couldn’t get more in today’s economy - when unemployment is at 3%? Or did you make this decision when the economy was down and it was harder to find work?

[Anonymous]

Op what have you tried to do so far? I'm sure you've tried some of what has been suggested here and it didn't work. There are no magic words to make your husband stop his abusive behavior. I would offer him the options of mariage counseling or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op what have you tried to do so far? I'm sure you've tried some of what has been suggested here and it didn't work. There are no magic words to make your husband stop his abusive behavior. I would offer him the options of mariage counseling or divorce.

I temporarily quit, I've calmly requested that this stop many times, I've cried, I've yelled back, We've done couples therapy sessions. There has been major improvement after therapy. things used to be even worse in the beginning. So I know change is possible. The therapist we used retired and the few new ones we've tried have not helped. Not sure how to respond in specific instances that keep repeating themselves, like yelling during a meeting. Should I just walk out? Ask him to leave? etc.

[Anonymous]

First, it helps to know if you’re both on the same work level or if you’re his admin and he’s the consultant?

It’s never okay to behave that way but my advice changes based on the work dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op what have you tried to do so far? I'm sure you've tried some of what has been suggested here and it didn't work. There are no magic words to make your husband stop his abusive behavior. I would offer him the options of mariage counseling or divorce.

I temporarily quit, I've calmly requested that this stop many times, I've cried, I've yelled back, We've done couples therapy sessions. There has been major improvement after therapy. things used to be even worse in the beginning. So I know change is possible. The therapist we used retired and the few new ones we've tried have not helped. Not sure how to respond in specific instances that keep repeating themselves, like yelling during a meeting. Should I just walk out? Ask him to leave? etc.

Each one of you needs to type up some bullet points of what needs to be discussed at the meeting. Then email them to each other so that he has time to absorb what you would like to talk about and if he has concerns he can type up an outline of those concerns for you to calmly discuss together.

In fact, you might try doing your meetings via email altogether. That way he can rein in his instant negative emotions and focus on your words rather than on you personally.

He should not be yelling at you in the office. That is not o.k. In fact, he shouldn't be yelling at you period.

[Anonymous]

More coffee, more sex, do nice things for each other. Recognize your DH will never be the same colleague as Jane or Dick. Find the bright side, your DH won’t sugarcoat anything. It’s lonely at the top surrounded by yes people.

[Anonymous]

I would just calmly say, “I can’t talk to you when you are like this.” And leave for a little while.

[Anonymous]

Laugh at him.

[Anonymous]

Record the meetings. Review them later when things are calmer. Discuss when things derailed by email if needed.

[Anonymous]

The minute he starts to yell you immediately leave the room. What satisfaction can he get from yelling at a wall. Why would you stay there and be demeaned? By staying there or reacting you're reinforcing his sick behavior.

[Anonymous]

I started a business after I had my 5th child because I wanted to return to the workforce but be able to control my schedule, workload, etc. My DH has a full time job but has business experience so he has been helping more and more. There are times when I appreciate his help and an extra set of eyes and then there are times I don't want his help because his ideas can be so different from mine. I've found that I should only allocate tasks that I really despise or that don't matter as much to me.
I don't know if I could deal with us both working full time from home and being with him that much. My husband also knows that I'm not going to be yelled at and I'll tell him to keep his ass in line.

[Anonymous]

If there is resentment in the marriage it will spill over into work. Fix the marriage problem but working and being together 24/7 is a recipe for disaster if you don't have a great marriage. I'd stop working together to give both of you some breathing space and get some counseling to deal with the marriage resentment.

[Anonymous]

End the meeting as soon as he starts yelling. Walk away. Do it every single time he is unprofessional.