When you are at peace with yourself to divorce and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Better that than playing the victim like my friend does. Makes out he is the victim but already after four months of separation is banging out the brains of another woman and saying it is love.

What does one have to do with another?

He could indeed be a victim in the divorce. But he's definitely going to be a victim when his rebound relationship blows up in his face, as they always do. (Hint: if you're "in love" less than a year after a divorce, watch out, you are cruising for a bruising.)

[Anonymous]

You sound like my XDH. I'll tell you what I told him. You're too late. I worked so hard for so long at keeping our marriage alive. My efforts were Herculean. Yet, you rebuffed and refused all my efforts to get you be a partner - in any sense of the word. You didn't used to be this way so it's not like I ignored any red-flags early in our relationship. I didn't end our relationship because I was exhausted and burned out. I ended it when I lost hope that you'd change back and that not living with you was healthier for the kids and me.

I cannot describe the relief that realization brought me! I hadn't felt so free and light in years!

My XDH was shocked that I was going through with the divorce and he started making efforts. It was too late. I still loved him but love is not enough. I could forgive his behaviors but I couldn't forget what he'd been like for those years. When I married my current DH, I know it crushed XDH. He always held out hope that I'd see how he'd changed and we'd get back together. I have to admit that I still miss him or, rather, who I thought he was. Truth is, once I lost that the hope I had, I could never trust that he'd not turn into that uncaring person again.

Too late.

[Anonymous]

I was married 34 years and I was pretty miserable the last 15 years or so. For the last five years my husband lived/worked three hours away and he would return on weekends and I grew to hate the weekends except when he would leave on Sunday night. A year ago we decided that we both hated the weekends so we divorced and I just wish we had done it ten years ago. We've been divorced about six months and I have not yet tried to enter the dating scene but I think I will after the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my XDH. I'll tell you what I told him. You're too late. I worked so hard for so long at keeping our marriage alive. My efforts were Herculean. Yet, you rebuffed and refused all my efforts to get you be a partner - in any sense of the word. You didn't used to be this way so it's not like I ignored any red-flags early in our relationship. I didn't end our relationship because I was exhausted and burned out. I ended it when I lost hope that you'd change back and that not living with you was healthier for the kids and me.

I cannot describe the relief that realization brought me! I hadn't felt so free and light in years!

My XDH was shocked that I was going through with the divorce and he started making efforts. It was too late. I still loved him but love is not enough. I could forgive his behaviors but I couldn't forget what he'd been like for those years. When I married my current DH, I know it crushed XDH. He always held out hope that I'd see how he'd changed and we'd get back together. I have to admit that I still miss him or, rather, who I thought he was. Truth is, once I lost that the hope I had, I could never trust that he'd not turn into that uncaring person again.

Too late.

Wow, you are me. This is exactly what I've been living. DH is now asking to go to counseling (that I asked for 10 years ago, but we never did because he didn't think marriage should be "work" and didn't want to spend the money), but it is far too late for me. I'm just now officially separating from DH, and the X part of that acronym can't come soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my XDH. I'll tell you what I told him. You're too late. I worked so hard for so long at keeping our marriage alive. My efforts were Herculean. Yet, you rebuffed and refused all my efforts to get you be a partner - in any sense of the word. You didn't used to be this way so it's not like I ignored any red-flags early in our relationship. I didn't end our relationship because I was exhausted and burned out. I ended it when I lost hope that you'd change back and that not living with you was healthier for the kids and me.

I cannot describe the relief that realization brought me! I hadn't felt so free and light in years!

My XDH was shocked that I was going through with the divorce and he started making efforts. It was too late. I still loved him but love is not enough. I could forgive his behaviors but I couldn't forget what he'd been like for those years. When I married my current DH, I know it crushed XDH. He always held out hope that I'd see how he'd changed and we'd get back together. I have to admit that I still miss him or, rather, who I thought he was. Truth is, once I lost that the hope I had, I could never trust that he'd not turn into that uncaring person again.

Too late.

Wow, you are me. This is exactly what I've been living. DH is now asking to go to counseling (that I asked for 10 years ago, but we never did because he didn't think marriage should be "work" and didn't want to spend the money), but it is far too late for me. I'm just now officially separating from DH, and the X part of that acronym can't come soon enough.

And I'm the third. It had to get so bad that I absolutely could not continue with him, in order for me to make the call to leave. I had to burn out all I had to give -- and I told him so! I absolutely said, "please be trying as hard as you can, because I am, and this is unbearable."

And then. And then when I finally got to that point, then is when he said "don't leave! I'll try harder. I can do better." Where was that when I was at the end of my rope? Did he just -- not care?

There's a saying that women think men will change, and men think women won't leave. I believe it. I also won't stay with someone again who isn't trying as hard as I am, at least overall.

[Anonymous]

My husband left me. It’s been 3 years and I am not at peace. I made the Herculean effort for our marriage throughout and they were never acknowledged. I feel betrayed. He doesn’t want to be tied to a schedule ...that is he reason for leaving. The schedule, ofcourse, has to to with the kids, not me but I am the one to blame.

[Anonymous]

I think I’m almost there. I’ve been at the end of my rope for awhile and my dealbreaker is him talking down to me in front of the kids. I’ve called him out on it at least a few times and I’ve told him I won’t tolerate it. I won’t model that kind of treatment and relationship for my daughters. I put up with A LOT; there are many problems. He refuses counseling although I go to therapy and try to implement what I learn. But the disrespect is the line in the sand. He crossed it again tonight and I just felt this all-encompassing sense of, I’m done. I can’t do anything else. I’ve been feeling like that a lot but tonight it was just like, I’ve told you this is the line. You crossed it AGAIN. You leave me no choice now.

He’s snoring next to me in bed now after drinking an entire fifth of vodka. I’m looking at rentals. I feel like Nicole Kidman in Big Little Lies, minus the physical abuse. I can almost taste freedom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my XDH. I'll tell you what I told him. You're too late. I worked so hard for so long at keeping our marriage alive. My efforts were Herculean. Yet, you rebuffed and refused all my efforts to get you be a partner - in any sense of the word. You didn't used to be this way so it's not like I ignored any red-flags early in our relationship. I didn't end our relationship because I was exhausted and burned out. I ended it when I lost hope that you'd change back and that not living with you was healthier for the kids and me.

I cannot describe the relief that realization brought me! I hadn't felt so free and light in years!

My XDH was shocked that I was going through with the divorce and he started making efforts. It was too late. I still loved him but love is not enough. I could forgive his behaviors but I couldn't forget what he'd been like for those years. When I married my current DH, I know it crushed XDH. He always held out hope that I'd see how he'd changed and we'd get back together. I have to admit that I still miss him or, rather, who I thought he was. Truth is, once I lost that the hope I had, I could never trust that he'd not turn into that uncaring person again.

Too late.

Wow, you are me. This is exactly what I've been living. DH is now asking to go to counseling (that I asked for 10 years ago, but we never did because he didn't think marriage should be "work" and didn't want to spend the money), but it is far too late for me. I'm just now officially separating from DH, and the X part of that acronym can't come soon enough.

And I'm the third. It had to get so bad that I absolutely could not continue with him, in order for me to make the call to leave. I had to burn out all I had to give -- and I told him so! I absolutely said, "please be trying as hard as you can, because I am, and this is unbearable."

And then. And then when I finally got to that point, then is when he said "don't leave! I'll try harder. I can do better." Where was that when I was at the end of my rope? Did he just -- not care?

There's a saying that women think men will change, and men think women won't leave. I believe it. I also won't stay with someone again who isn't trying as hard as I am, at least overall.

First PP here. Hugs to both of you. I know how crushing that time is before you lose hope. Getting to the point where you realize nothing you do will make a difference is horrible. At least we realized the futility of our efforts and got out. Best of luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was his sheer cruelty toward the older child while I was on bedrest with the second. As soon as I had the doctor’s okay to leave home, I saw a lawyer. No guilt or second guessing.

Wow. This sounds bad.