Reply to When you are at peace with yourself to divorce and move on.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You sound like my XDH.  I'll tell you what I told him.  You're too late.  I worked so hard for so long at keeping our marriage alive.  My efforts were Herculean.  Yet, you rebuffed and refused all my efforts to get you be a partner - in any sense of the word.  You didn't used to be this way so it's not like I ignored any red-flags early in our relationship.  I didn't end our relationship because I was exhausted and burned out.  I ended it when I lost hope that you'd change back and that not living with you was healthier for the kids and me.

I cannot describe the relief that realization brought me!  I hadn't felt so free and light in years!

My XDH was shocked that I was going through with the divorce and he started making efforts.  It was too late.  I still loved him but love is not enough.  I could forgive his behaviors but I couldn't forget what he'd been like for those years.  When I married my current DH, I know it crushed XDH.  He always held out hope that I'd see how he'd changed and we'd get back together.  I have to admit that I still miss him or, rather, who I thought he was.  Truth is, once I lost that the hope I had, I could never trust that he'd not turn into that uncaring person again.

Too late.[/quote]

Wow, you are me. This is exactly what I've been living. DH is now asking to go to counseling (that I asked for 10 years ago, but we never did because he didn't think marriage should be "work" and didn't want to spend the money), but it is far too late for me. I'm just now officially separating from DH, and the X part of that acronym can't come soon enough.[/quote]

And I'm the third. It had to get so bad that I absolutely could not continue with him, in order for me to make the call to leave. I had to burn out all I had to give -- and I told him so! I absolutely said, "please be trying as hard as you can, because I am, and this is unbearable."

And then. And then when I finally got to that point, then is when he said "don't leave! I'll try harder. I can do better." Where was that when I was at the end of my rope? Did he just -- not care?

There's a saying that women think men will change, and men think women won't leave. I believe it. I also won't stay with someone again who isn't trying as hard as I am, at least overall. [/quote]

First PP here.  Hugs to both of you.  I know how crushing that time is before you lose hope.  Getting to the point where you realize nothing you do will make a difference is horrible.  At least we realized the futility of our efforts and got out.  Best of luck to you both. [/quote]

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