How to convince husband I am serious about divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a divorce. I am exhausted from a really disappointing 5 year marriage with no kids, and I want things to unwind as simply as possible. We just bought a house in July using my pre-marital money as a down payment. DH does not contest this and agrees that since we have paid only a few mortgage payments as a couple that he has no problem walking away from the house. I want him to leave the house, but he won't leave. Currently he is sleeping in the guest room. He does not believe I am serious about wanting a divorce.

Neither one of us wants to spend money on attorneys fees and we more or less agree to how we will divide assets. It's not very complicated without kids and separate retirement accounts.

What do I do next?

The year clock doesn’t start ticking until you separate. Since he won’t do it you need a professional to help.
You owe him half of the house equity and if your retirement account is more than his you owe him half of that amount.

You can start with a lawyer and then move to a mediator. If you agree on things you can continue with mediation. If not you will need a lawyer to do things.

Not necessarily, you can negotiate all of these things. IF you are both working, then you each get your 401ks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a divorce. I am exhausted from a really disappointing 5 year marriage with no kids, and I want things to unwind as simply as possible. We just bought a house in July using my pre-marital money as a down payment. DH does not contest this and agrees that since we have paid only a few mortgage payments as a couple that he has no problem walking away from the house. I want him to leave the house, but he won't leave. Currently he is sleeping in the guest room. He does not believe I am serious about wanting a divorce.

Neither one of us wants to spend money on attorneys fees and we more or less agree to how we will divide assets. It's not very complicated without kids and separate retirement accounts.

What do I do next?

The year clock doesn’t start ticking until you separate. Since he won’t do it you need a professional to help.
You owe him half of the house equity and if your retirement account is more than his you owe him half of that amount.

You can start with a lawyer and then move to a mediator. If you agree on things you can continue with mediation. If not you will need a lawyer to do things.

Stop it with the scare tactics.

He is not due half her retirement - it's only based on the portion that has accumulated since they have been married.

OP - the best advice is always contact a lawyer. You say you're serious - be serious. Something is making him think you are not. You need to shut that down. If you don't think you need lawyers (riiiiiiight) and that he's open to a cheaper, agreeable solution, then download a separation/divorce agreement from your local courts and fill them out and sit down for a review and signature. He will know you're serious then. If he balks at signing, then you're going to need to get a lawyer.

You can't force him out if you bought it together. And if you want to stay, you will have to "buy him out" but on the equity that's accrued since July. You may be able to re-coup your pre-marital downpayment (MAYBE) but that's when a lawyer would have to step in if he doesn't agree. There is still paperwork like deeds/loans/refinancing, etc. so again - if you are serious then make it known by getting the serious business started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a divorce. I am exhausted from a really disappointing 5 year marriage with no kids, and I want things to unwind as simply as possible. We just bought a house in July using my pre-marital money as a down payment. DH does not contest this and agrees that since we have paid only a few mortgage payments as a couple that he has no problem walking away from the house. I want him to leave the house, but he won't leave. Currently he is sleeping in the guest room. He does not believe I am serious about wanting a divorce.

Neither one of us wants to spend money on attorneys fees and we more or less agree to how we will divide assets. It's not very complicated without kids and separate retirement accounts.

What do I do next?

The year clock doesn’t start ticking until you separate. Since he won’t do it you need a professional to help.
You owe him half of the house equity and if your retirement account is more than his you owe him half of that amount.

You can start with a lawyer and then move to a mediator. If you agree on things you can continue with mediation. If not you will need a lawyer to do things.

Stop it with the scare tactics.

He is not due half her retirement - it's only based on the portion that has accumulated since they have been married.

OP - the best advice is always contact a lawyer. You say you're serious - be serious. Something is making him think you are not. You need to shut that down. If you don't think you need lawyers (riiiiiiight) and that he's open to a cheaper, agreeable solution, then download a separation/divorce agreement from your local courts and fill them out and sit down for a review and signature. He will know you're serious then. If he balks at signing, then you're going to need to get a lawyer.

You can't force him out if you bought it together. And if you want to stay, you will have to "buy him out" but on the equity that's accrued since July. You may be able to re-coup your pre-marital downpayment (MAYBE) but that's when a lawyer would have to step in if he doesn't agree. There is still paperwork like deeds/loans/refinancing, etc. so again - if you are serious then make it known by getting the serious business started.

I think this is a bad idea regardless of how agreeable he is. Have a consult, the lawyer will have a checklist of things you probably haven't even thought of. Talk through those things with him and bring the completed list back to the lawyer to memorialize in an agreement and then have him sign. This part won't cost that much because you will be doing the negotiating with him and you'll know where you stand. Best case, he honors the agreement you guys come to and you're on the road.

BTW, there are some states that permit separation in the marital residence so you can ask the lawyer about that too and maybe the time you've been living apart will count.

[Anonymous]

Legal papers usually indicate seriousness.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is smarter than you. No way he should move out without a signed separation agreement addressing all financial issues. If he just moves out, it opens him up to being sued for at-fault divorce and getting stuck paying you lifetime alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You contradicted yourself; you said he has no problem walking away from the house and that he won’t leave the house.

Well, he says that he has no problem in the event of a divorce financially walking away from the house. But he won't leave the house and accept that I want a divorce.

Why should he leave the house? Him not accepting the divorce is your biggest challenge.

[Anonymous]

With the last few people I've known who have divorced, nobody left the home until an agreement was signed.They lived as roommates until then.

But your own groceries etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the last few people I've known who have divorced, nobody left the home until an agreement was signed.They lived as roommates until then.

But your own groceries etc.

OP here. Thank you, this was helpful. I am not an expert on how divorce goes down. I will also contact an attorney if it is only going to cost me $500 initially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is smarter than you. No way he should move out without a signed separation agreement addressing all financial issues. If he just moves out, it opens him up to being sued for at-fault divorce and getting stuck paying you lifetime alimony.

+1. Plus, I assume that he and you qualified together for the mortgage, which means that his credit is at risk if you don’t pay the mortgage. If I were him, I wouldn’t move out until divorce is signed or there was a written separation agreement. I can understand why he won’t move out. If you can afford to refinance on your own, get a real estate attorney and mortgage broker who can help you do it. Approach STBX and explain what you need from him to refinance - he will have to appear at the settlement on the new mortgage to sign papers closing out old mortgage and transferring title to you. Offer to pay out his share of any equity you two have accumulated by paying down the mortgage or increase in home value. You may have to sweeten the pot by offering him some cash in addition - money to cover moving and deposit in a new apartment

The alternative is a divorce which involves forced sale of the house at whatever loss that represents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a divorce. I am exhausted from a really disappointing 5 year marriage with no kids, and I want things to unwind as simply as possible. We just bought a house in July using my pre-marital money as a down payment. DH does not contest this and agrees that since we have paid only a few mortgage payments as a couple that he has no problem walking away from the house. I want him to leave the house, but he won't leave. Currently he is sleeping in the guest room. He does not believe I am serious about wanting a divorce.

Neither one of us wants to spend money on attorneys fees and we more or less agree to how we will divide assets. It's not very complicated without kids and separate retirement accounts.

What do I do next?

Boy, that was dumb. You owe him half now. Just get a lawyer and get things started. No divorce is easy - it will take at least a year.

It was dumb, but I don't believe he will go back on his word to take that money off the table. I guess I will find out soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is smarter than you. No way he should move out without a signed separation agreement addressing all financial issues. If he just moves out, it opens him up to being sued for at-fault divorce and getting stuck paying you lifetime alimony.

+1. Plus, I assume that he and you qualified together for the mortgage, which means that his credit is at risk if you don’t pay the mortgage. If I were him, I wouldn’t move out until divorce is signed or there was a written separation agreement. I can understand why he won’t move out. If you can afford to refinance on your own, get a real estate attorney and mortgage broker who can help you do it. Approach STBX and explain what you need from him to refinance - he will have to appear at the settlement on the new mortgage to sign papers closing out old mortgage and transferring title to you. Offer to pay out his share of any equity you two have accumulated by paying down the mortgage or increase in home value. You may have to sweeten the pot by offering him some cash in addition - money to cover moving and deposit in a new apartment

The alternative is a divorce which involves forced sale of the house at whatever loss that represents.

Yes, I will have to refinance. I can do it, it just sucks to have to take the rate increase. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to “convince “ him. If you really want one, go get a lawyer and start the process. Talk is cheap.

[Anonymous]

What has happened in the last six months that made your decision?

[Anonymous]

there are new rules for this in maryland if there are no kids involved.

[Anonymous]

In VA, you can live "separate and apart" in the same house if you show the financial limitation. That means no sleeping together and no "living together" as in making joint meals and such.

Best bet is to see a lawyer for a separation agreement. TAke the first steps. An uncontested divorce isn't that expensive.