talk to friend about her infertility, or don't mention it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask opened ended questions: how are you doing? I would not directly ask her about infertility. I also would not talk about my kids in front of her.

PP can’t pretend she has no kids, it would be fake.

in any case, pregnancies are hardest to handle, followed by babies. as a rule the older the children the less upsetting they are.

She should not pretend she has no kids,but it also isn't that hard to find other things to talk about.

Disagree - babies were the hardest for me. I think something to keep in mind is that everyone is different. I appreciated when friends would find time without their kids or that didn't dominate conversations when we got together when I was struggling with infertility and losses. It is hard to navigate. But being present and available & even doing stuff like going to the movies were somethings I appreciated.

I've had 4 close friends and a SIL go through varying degrees of infertility and losses. None of them have expected people to pretend they don't have kids. I tried to plan kidless activities (weekend breakfast, movies, dinner out, etc.). I listened when they wanted to talk about infertiflity, miscarriages, etc. and tried not to offer advice (because I really didn't have any!). I tried not to complain about my kids. I do think it was easier, because my kids were older, so there was no discussion of babies and baby things.

[Anonymous]

PP here: You really DONT need to talk about your baby your preschool and all the parenting things to someone doing infertility treatments. NOTHING else happening in your life?
One “friend” who was particularly obnoxious offered that I babysit her spoiled rotten son for a week. I replied no thank you! Your son is an advertisement for NOT having children.

[Anonymous]

NO other parents you can talk to about your endless parenting? Infertility made me realize how boring parenting is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I did infertility treatments for 9 long years. And I heard every unhelpful thing you can imagine. I had one friend I never discussed it with. It was so restful. I began not talking about it gradually with everyone. When I FINALLY got pregnant everyone was happy for me but they all said I thought you quit long ago! To myself I said no I just stopped talking about it. Maybe you are that restful friend.

OP here and noticed my thread got bumped.

Thanks for chiming in.

I don’t think that is it, though. She doesn’t talk about it with anyone. She told me that a long time ago. Not her mom, sister, or close friend who did IVF. I want her to know she can talk to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO other parents you can talk to about your endless parenting? Infertility made me realize how boring parenting is.

OP here. What? Did I say in my post I wanted to talk to her about parenting?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been undergoing treatment for about 2 years. For me, I really enjoy NOT talking to my friends (especially the ones with kids) about my treatment. I know they’re there for me, thinking of me, and available to talk if I want to. Re: my friends with kids, while I know they have good intentions, it feels really cruel when they fish for updates about my situation. A friend, who had an unplanned pregnancy recently, would ask a lot, and the whole thing felt really intrusive and unfair. Instead, I’d prefer keeping the conversation light, as it makes me feel the most normal. BTW, I applaud you seeking advice from others in a similar situation as your friend's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I did infertility treatments for 9 long years. And I heard every unhelpful thing you can imagine. I had one friend I never discussed it with. It was so restful. I began not talking about it gradually with everyone. When I FINALLY got pregnant everyone was happy for me but they all said I thought you quit long ago! To myself I said no I just stopped talking about it. Maybe you are that restful friend.

OP here and noticed my thread got bumped.

Thanks for chiming in.

I don’t think that is it, though. She doesn’t talk about it with anyone. She told me that a long time ago. Not her mom, sister, or close friend who did IVF. I want her to know she can talk to me!

Yeah but that's the whole point, with infertility you get to a point where you just don't want to talk about it. If she is not bringing it up I wouldn't bring it up either. As for your own children, I would talk about them if she asks.

Don't assume that your kids are a problem to her, I was happy for my friends pregnancies, births and children.