talk to friend about her infertility, or don't mention it?

[Anonymous]

My dear, close friend has been dealing with infertility for about 5 years now. She doesn't talk to anyone about it (including her mom). I have mentioned a few times over the years that I am here for her and always open listening, but mentioned that she should never feel like she HAS to talk about it. Occasionally she'll message me "I'm having a hard day" and that's all. I always respond. Just one time I have said, "You can always talk about what is going on/how you're feeling and I will listen, or you do not have to bring it up." That was a couple years ago. We've never talked about her troubles in person, but she does message me.

We get together 1x a month now for dinner. I never bring it up. Is that ok? Or should I ask?

[Anonymous]

Maybe before you meet next time for dinner shoot her a text that says you just want to check in and see how she’s doing.

Honestly my friends who have not dealt with fertility are pretty unhelpful so I don’t talk to them about it. May be the same situation here.

[Anonymous]

That might be it, but I also know that I am the only person that she talks to about it (and she doesn’t tell me anything.) I want her to know I am here for her. But I shouldn’t bring it up unless she wants me to, right?

[Anonymous]

I would ask her how things are going on the baby-making front. One if the reasons people don't talk about it is because it takes so much energy to bring people up to speed on the lingo and science of it all that it's not worth the energy. There are a number of online and in person support groups. Maybe you can ask if she has ever joined those as a way to get additional support from others on the same journey as her.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone wants to talk and that's ok. Presumably her spouse/partner is there for her. You've made it clear you are here for her. I think you've don enough.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to know how to approach someone when they are dealing with a sensitive subject like infertility. When I was in the midst of this crisis in my own life, I had a hard time discussing this with my family. However, I was able to talk about it with close friends. It may be that your friend just needs an opening in the conversation. If she brings up the topic, just listen. Then ask if you can pray for her. I know that I always appreciated that response.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can sort of edge close to the topic? "Oh, that is cool that your home remodel is nearly finished, the guest room is so beautiful and yet still flexible in case you need to modify its use down the road.." if she does not pick up on it then quickly start talking about your own home renovation etc...

I only say this because when I was going through it I often did not bring it up because I did not know how to make a smooth segue... I was on my mind incessantly and I always looking for a door in the conversation to start talking about it. But if it feels like the person is avoiding it completely, then I always felt like maybe THEy aren't comfortable hearing my sob story and I just kept quiet about it. You say you offered to talk but that t was TWO YEARS ago, she might not even remember the offer.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? I think that matters in this context. Fwiw, I did not talk to anyone about what I was going through.

[Anonymous]

Bumping as I have a similar question and don't think it's necessary to start a new thread.

Close friend had her first retrieval with no viable embryos. They are 2 years into the process and she's never been pregnant. I have two children of my own so I recognize that my friendship with her may need to take a back seat during this time because of her frustrations. I want to be there for her as much as she wants/needs and am looking for advice on things that were helpful to hear and things that were not helpful.

I've let her know that I'm proud of her and that I'll be here to support her no matter how many rounds she decides to do or not do. I check in on her every now and then about the process but try not to pry. We do talk regularly about other things though lately it's mostly been her anger after her recent round. She knows it's likely a longer road ahead than behind her and I want to be sensitive. When she talks to me about it, I am not sure what to say. I try my best to listen but I think being too optimistic may not be helpful (ex: "I feel good about your next round!"? I'm just not sure.

[Anonymous]

I would ask opened ended questions: how are you doing? I would not directly ask her about infertility. I also would not talk about my kids in front of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask opened ended questions: how are you doing? I would not directly ask her about infertility. I also would not talk about my kids in front of her.

Agree in part. When I was going through treatments, most of the time I did not want to talk about it with anyone besides my medical team. If I did mention it, I did not want advice or anecdotal stories about your sister's friend's cousin who just had to adopt/relax after years of failed IVF and boom, magically pregnant with twins. It was also painful to hear people complain about their pregnancies or kids when I was desperately trying to have one. However, I did NOT expect my friends to pretend their kids didn't exist, and was fine with life updates, "Larla just started a new daycare, she's liking it better than the last one" type talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask opened ended questions: how are you doing? I would not directly ask her about infertility. I also would not talk about my kids in front of her.

PP can’t pretend she has no kids, it would be fake.

in any case, pregnancies are hardest to handle, followed by babies. as a rule the older the children the less upsetting they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask opened ended questions: how are you doing? I would not directly ask her about infertility. I also would not talk about my kids in front of her.

PP can’t pretend she has no kids, it would be fake.

in any case, pregnancies are hardest to handle, followed by babies. as a rule the older the children the less upsetting they are.

She should not pretend she has no kids,but it also isn't that hard to find other things to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask opened ended questions: how are you doing? I would not directly ask her about infertility. I also would not talk about my kids in front of her.

PP can’t pretend she has no kids, it would be fake.

in any case, pregnancies are hardest to handle, followed by babies. as a rule the older the children the less upsetting they are.

She should not pretend she has no kids,but it also isn't that hard to find other things to talk about.

Disagree - babies were the hardest for me. I think something to keep in mind is that everyone is different. I appreciated when friends would find time without their kids or that didn't dominate conversations when we got together when I was struggling with infertility and losses. It is hard to navigate. But being present and available & even doing stuff like going to the movies were somethings I appreciated.

[Anonymous]

OP I did infertility treatments for 9 long years. And I heard every unhelpful thing you can imagine. I had one friend I never discussed it with. It was so restful. I began not talking about it gradually with everyone. When I FINALLY got pregnant everyone was happy for me but they all said I thought you quit long ago! To myself I said no I just stopped talking about it. Maybe you are that restful friend.