Boyfriend I don't approve of

[Anonymous]

I think if your 16 year old is leaving the house, running off and not coming home at night, its too late for you really.

You just need to leave her to get on with it all.

You could kick her out. Tell her that if she wants adult freedoms she can have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD 16 is in love with a boy who is 19 and I absolutely do not like him. He dropped out of school, has no job, has no where to live (his parents moved out of the country) and is into drugs. DD often does not come home at night because she is with him and has gotten into trouble with the law over things that involves said boy. I tried to tell her how bad he is for her, but it's no use. The more I say no, the more she wants to be with him. Help. How do I get rid of this boy?

She's 16; a minor and living under your roof. The 19 year old is legally an adult. Not sure what statutory rules apply, but her involvement with him is improper, especially given the illegal activity you've detailed.

Ground her! She'll hate you for it, but someday she'll thank you.

LOL! Did you just wander over from the General Parenting board?

Amateur.

[Anonymous]

stock up on onesies and formula

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her on birth control ASAP!!!! I would take away any privileges she has that you pay for.Phone, car, clothes, allowance, etc.

Birth control would be the top of my priority list too. Not the pill. A shot or implant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 16 is in love with a boy who is 19 and I absolutely do not like him. He dropped out of school, has no job, has no where to live (his parents moved out of the country) and is into drugs. DD often does not come home at night because she is with him and has gotten into trouble with the law over things that involves said boy. I tried to tell her how bad he is for her, but it's no use. The more I say no, the more she wants to be with him. Help. How do I get rid of this boy?

When your 16 year old kid doesn't come home at night, you call the cops and report a runaway. Buck up and just do it!

[Anonymous]

So she hangs out with a homeless 19 year old on the streets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if your 16 year old is leaving the house, running off and not coming home at night, its too late for you really.

You just need to leave her to get on with it all.

You could kick her out. Tell her that if she wants adult freedoms she can have them.

Sadly, I kind of agree with this. It does seem a little bit late for her.

Definitely get her on birth control. How does she do in school? What does she want her future to be? Stop taking her away from her boyfriend - that will only make her want him even more. Can you talk up her future instead?

[Anonymous]

OP here, she did not come home last night, I can't track her phone as it is turned off. She is on the pill and she in an alternative school, when she goes. Boarding school sounds great, and I think going with the getting her away from the area is what I will focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just keep her away from him. The more you try, the more attached to him she will become. I don’t know what you’ve tried or considered, but I would definitely, no matter what else you do, get your DD an iud for birth control. Does she still have other friends who aren’t associated with this guy? How does she do in school? Does she have activities? Those answers will help narrow your options.

1. Boarding school. This would be my first choice if it were my DD. Not a place that feels like a punishment but one that is a real opportunity.

2. Relative in another state. Putting distance between them will help more than anything.

3. If you know the guy is doing drugs, have you considered reporting to the police? Your DD doesn’t have to know it was you, though she’ll likely suspect. See a lawyer for the info you need to make a report that will allow law enforcement to take action.

4. Sign DD up for college counseling, sat prep, anything that helps her focus on her future.

5. If you ever suspect she is doing drugs with him, have her tested and then send her to an inpatient rehab program.

This PP's post sounds well thought-out. I have a DD who, at 13, I was having a really hard time with, and she took off one night; thank god for Find my iPhone! I had the boarding school talk with her. It was at a very calm moment. It was not 'you're uncontrollable/bad, your punishment is boarding school," but rather "As your parent, it's my job to see that you get a good foundation and springboard into the future; that you become an independent adult. I'm messing up on this and I need to set it right. Also, I don't ever want you to feel trapped at home. The problem is, we are in X city now, not in Arlington, so taking off at night just isn't safe. So I do feel like, we need to consider boarding school..."

I remember thinking, how am I going to get her on the bus? Not like I can throw her on...how am I going to get her to study for and take the ISEE? My friend said, 'just tell her she's going to boarding school, and if she doesn't study for the ISEE she'll only get into the crappy ones," LOL

Anyways my situation was not as severe as yours, and after reading a DCUM recommendation, "Yes your teen is crazy!" things got better.

Now more along the lines of your situation, my mom hires a part-time nurse who has a DD who is now 18. She sounds just like your DD. The mom sent her away to some sort of school that would get her GED credit, and also teaches them how to cook, do laundry, balance a checkbook, etc...basically how to be an adult. It was in the middle of nowhere and they were not allowed off campus and the parents were not allowed to see them until...not sure, two months in? Not allowed to talk on the phone with their parents. She graduated from there in June. I think it set her straight and she is proud of her new (healthy) self-sufficiency and has enrolled in a junior college. It's subsidized by the military somehow. The one thing is, she had to interview for this school, and want to go there. She had said to her mom, I realize this is my last chance...

So I don't know how to get your DDs mindset to that place of knowing that she needs help to become a functioning adult, but hopefully a few talks at quiet moments can help.

Good luck, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just keep her away from him. The more you try, the more attached to him she will become. I don’t know what you’ve tried or considered, but I would definitely, no matter what else you do, get your DD an iud for birth control. Does she still have other friends who aren’t associated with this guy? How does she do in school? Does she have activities? Those answers will help narrow your options.

1. Boarding school. This would be my first choice if it were my DD. Not a place that feels like a punishment but one that is a real opportunity.

2. Relative in another state. Putting distance between them will help more than anything.

3. If you know the guy is doing drugs, have you considered reporting to the police? Your DD doesn’t have to know it was you, though she’ll likely suspect. See a lawyer for the info you need to make a report that will allow law enforcement to take action.

4. Sign DD up for college counseling, sat prep, anything that helps her focus on her future.

5. If you ever suspect she is doing drugs with him, have her tested and then send her to an inpatient rehab program.

This PP's post sounds well thought-out. I have a DD who, at 13, I was having a really hard time with, and she took off one night; thank god for Find my iPhone! I had the boarding school talk with her. It was at a very calm moment. It was not 'you're uncontrollable/bad, your punishment is boarding school," but rather "As your parent, it's my job to see that you get a good foundation and springboard into the future; that you become an independent adult. I'm messing up on this and I need to set it right. Also, I don't ever want you to feel trapped at home. The problem is, we are in X city now, not in Arlington, so taking off at night just isn't safe. So I do feel like, we need to consider boarding school..."

I remember thinking, how am I going to get her on the bus? Not like I can throw her on...how am I going to get her to study for and take the ISEE? My friend said, 'just tell her she's going to boarding school, and if she doesn't study for the ISEE she'll only get into the crappy ones," LOL

Anyways my situation was not as severe as yours, and after reading a DCUM recommendation, "Yes your teen is crazy!" things got better.

Now more along the lines of your situation, my mom hires a part-time nurse who has a DD who is now 18. She sounds just like your DD. The mom sent her away to some sort of school that would get her GED credit, and also teaches them how to cook, do laundry, balance a checkbook, etc...basically how to be an adult. It was in the middle of nowhere and they were not allowed off campus and the parents were not allowed to see them until...not sure, two months in? Not allowed to talk on the phone with their parents. She graduated from there in June. I think it set her straight and she is proud of her new (healthy) self-sufficiency and has enrolled in a junior college. It's subsidized by the military somehow. The one thing is, she had to interview for this school, and want to go there. She had said to her mom, I realize this is my last chance...

So I don't know how to get your DDs mindset to that place of knowing that she needs help to become a functioning adult, but hopefully a few talks at quiet moments can help.

Good luck, OP

Thank you so much for this. It makes me feel that much better knowing people care and there are other parents with (probably) worse problems. This is my cross and I carry it, but, boy, it is soooo heavy at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just keep her away from him. The more you try, the more attached to him she will become. I don’t know what you’ve tried or considered, but I would definitely, no matter what else you do, get your DD an iud for birth control. Does she still have other friends who aren’t associated with this guy? How does she do in school? Does she have activities? Those answers will help narrow your options.

1. Boarding school. This would be my first choice if it were my DD. Not a place that feels like a punishment but one that is a real opportunity.

2. Relative in another state. Putting distance between them will help more than anything.

3. If you know the guy is doing drugs, have you considered reporting to the police? Your DD doesn’t have to know it was you, though she’ll likely suspect. See a lawyer for the info you need to make a report that will allow law enforcement to take action.

4. Sign DD up for college counseling, sat prep, anything that helps her focus on her future.

5. If you ever suspect she is doing drugs with him, have her tested and then send her to an inpatient rehab program.

These out of town things no longer work so well with social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if your 16 year old is leaving the house, running off and not coming home at night, its too late for you really.

You just need to leave her to get on with it all.

You could kick her out. Tell her that if she wants adult freedoms she can have them.

Sadly, I kind of agree with this. It does seem a little bit late for her.

Definitely get her on birth control. How does she do in school? What does she want her future to be? Stop taking her away from her boyfriend - that will only make her want him even more. Can you talk up her future instead?

When my sister got involved with a loser guy and ended up pregnant, nothing was working. My dad finally told her that fine, he would drive her to his town and she could live with him.

She said that permission to have a life with him was the thing that snapped her out of it snd started her on the road to getting her life back together. Before that, she felt like Romeo and Julliet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just keep her away from him. The more you try, the more attached to him she will become. I don’t know what you’ve tried or considered, but I would definitely, no matter what else you do, get your DD an iud for birth control. Does she still have other friends who aren’t associated with this guy? How does she do in school? Does she have activities? Those answers will help narrow your options.

1. Boarding school. This would be my first choice if it were my DD. Not a place that feels like a punishment but one that is a real opportunity.

2. Relative in another state. Putting distance between them will help more than anything.

3. If you know the guy is doing drugs, have you considered reporting to the police? Your DD doesn’t have to know it was you, though she’ll likely suspect. See a lawyer for the info you need to make a report that will allow law enforcement to take action.

4. Sign DD up for college counseling, sat prep, anything that helps her focus on her future.

5. If you ever suspect she is doing drugs with him, have her tested and then send her to an inpatient rehab program.

I totally agree that distance would be a great starting point. When I was her age I had a 20 year old boyfriend who wasn't all that great. I had an opportunity to study abroad and the relationship lasted less than 3 months. It also opened my eyes to how much my parents did for me and how privileged I was.

[Anonymous]

OP, if she is not home, that is your fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she did not come home last night, I can't track her phone as it is turned off. She is on the pill and she in an alternative school, when she goes. Boarding school sounds great, and I think going with the getting her away from the area is what I will focus on.

She will still be able to get into trouble at boarding school, with this guy or someone else. Sending her away won't fix anything unless you address the underlying issues, you just won't be as aware of of what she's doing on a day-to-day basis.