Does this sound sketchy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The poor kid hasn’t had friends for over a year. She finally gets invited to something and you’re thinking about not allowing her to go because you’ve heard rumors of wild parties not involving any kids involved in the sleepover in question? Are you trying to keep her ostracized so you can have weekend company of your own? If not knowing the parents is your only qualm, get the parents’ info and give them a quick call. Don’t keep your daughter isolated.

+1

+100

My kid had a friendless year. I would have done anything possible to have helped that end sooner. One of the things that I think has happened is that your kid is dragging you into a normal part of teen parenting that is a big leap for you because of last year's social isolation. Figure out a way to make this work for her, but don't call the parents without talking to your daughter first.

[Anonymous]

Reading between the lines, I think OP may be worried about coming off as helicoptering and scaring off these new friends. Given that you are new to the area, mention that in your email by way of introduction. "Hi, Lana is excited about spending the night at your house on ____. We are new to the area and I wanted to introduce myself and give you my cell phone number just in case anything came up (I'm sure it won't). Thanks for having her. I look forward to meeting you on ____ when I drop Lana off."'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, I think OP may be worried about coming off as helicoptering and scaring off these new friends. Given that you are new to the area, mention that in your email by way of introduction. "Hi, Lana is excited about spending the night at your house on ____. We are new to the area and I wanted to introduce myself and give you my cell phone number just in case anything came up (I'm sure it won't). Thanks for having her. I look forward to meeting you on ____ when I drop Lana off."'

+1 perfect advice

[Anonymous]

meet the parents. I would insist.

[Anonymous]

OP I will be the Debbie Downer. I think unpopular girls who are new to a school are vulnerable to bad behavior by other girls in middle school. That isn't necessarily what is going on in your daughter's case, but I would keep the possibility open.

If your daughter has no friends and sees these girls as befriending her, she will find it very difficult to say "no" or stand up for herself if they ask her to do anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing, for example. Saying no will make them dump her.

My daughter in 7th grade had a few friends and they spoke via computer (whatever game they were playing); texted often (even to just ask questions about the homework); were in an after school club together, went to see a movie on the weekends, and sometimes went to birthday parties at a girls house, or ice skating rink. They actually never had a sleepover. I see a sleepover as an advanced social event for a group of girls, and wonder if your daughter is really a part of this friendship group if she never had any of those earlier activities.

So this could just be an extremely nice group of girls having a sleepover, and they invited your daughter because they like her and she's fun. But also, they could be not so nice. And your daughter talking abotu hearing about drinking and parties is concerning.

Does your daughter feel really comfortable with all the girls in the group? Are the girls nice and kind? Do they socialize on the weekends? If so did they invite your daughter? Are the girls in the sleepover the ones who tell your daughter about parties with alcohol?

[Anonymous]

Sorry just realized your daughter is in high school. I think a 15 year old high school sleepover is even more prone to difficulty, actually. And your daughter will be even more vulnerable and unable to say no to whatever the girls want to get up to. It is social suicide to be the one girl who doesn't go along with the group in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I will be the Debbie Downer. I think unpopular girls who are new to a school are vulnerable to bad behavior by other girls in middle school. That isn't necessarily what is going on in your daughter's case, but I would keep the possibility open.

If your daughter has no friends and sees these girls as befriending her, she will find it very difficult to say "no" or stand up for herself if they ask her to do anything she doesn't feel comfortable doing, for example. Saying no will make them dump her.

My daughter in 7th grade had a few friends and they spoke via computer (whatever game they were playing); texted often (even to just ask questions about the homework); were in an after school club together, went to see a movie on the weekends, and sometimes went to birthday parties at a girls house, or ice skating rink. They actually never had a sleepover. I see a sleepover as an advanced social event for a group of girls, and wonder if your daughter is really a part of this friendship group if she never had any of those earlier activities.

So this could just be an extremely nice group of girls having a sleepover, and they invited your daughter because they like her and she's fun. But also, they could be not so nice. And your daughter talking abotu hearing about drinking and parties is concerning.

Does your daughter feel really comfortable with all the girls in the group? Are the girls nice and kind? Do they socialize on the weekends? If so did they invite your daughter? Are the girls in the sleepover the ones who tell your daughter about parties with alcohol?

This exactly. Beware.

[Anonymous]

High schoolers don't have sleepovers. End of discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High schoolers don't have sleepovers. End of discussion.

Ha! I had sleepovers in high school all the time. I guess now that I think about it I never really had one where we didn’t at least do one “bad” thing, but if I’d never been allowed out of the House I’d have had zero friends and probably been even more suicidal. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

NP here: I think there is some good advice above. ha, I think I'll cut/paste 14:18's email form.

I think Debbie Downer makes some great points on the peer pressure as it affects a "new girl" so I to add something:

Remember OP to agree on a signal in case your DD wants to be picked up. Let's say she wants to call or text you: She should feel free to blame her annoying mother for forcing her to check in. (even though you are not forcing her to do anything). So she can call or text you with your agreed-upon signal, e.g. Hi Mom! Having a great time. Please remember to feed my fish! (which means--get me out of here...)

Then you can call up with some excuse (I haven't figured that out yet...maybe grandma is sick?) and come by to pick her up.

Or, she can pretend to get sick (period cramps, food poisoning) and you come to get her.

[Anonymous]

My 15 year old was out around town on his bike and got himself into some situation he wasn't prepared for. He phoned me (it wasn't even curfew yet!) to let me know he was coming home by 9. I thought it was so odd until later when I found out (by eavesdropping) what he had got himself into!

[Anonymous]

So, DH allowed DD, older than yours, to sleep over at a friends house. Parents divorced, dad's night. DH called and dad said he will be home the whole time. DD told me this dad allowed wine. So basically, kids and many parents are irresponsible. If there is a sleep over I would assume there is drinking. Even for best, well parents think " my kid is not that kids of kid," I would assume that kid is even more that kind of kid, because parents are blind.

[Anonymous]

I have two mega social middle school kids. No way I would allow them to sleep over at a house were I haven't even met the parents. No way. My kids miss a lot of sleepovers, they are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two mega social middle school kids. No way I would allow them to sleep over at a house were I haven't even met the parents. No way. My kids miss a lot of sleepovers, they are fine.

Just so you are ready when they are in HS. Kids will drink, the only thing you can do about it, either never let them go anywhere, at all. Never have any other kids at home, they will sneak drinks and you might catch them or you might not. Sometimes, if you know they are not crazy into drinking, it is better off to have honest communication with your kids and pick them up, and have them tell you to get them an uber. If you make a nasty deal, they will just sneak more. I couldn't believe it all, I grew up in Europe, partying without drinking, none did in my group, goody two shoes...Sometimes it is better if you know parents and kids to let them sleep over at friend's house. Am I happy about it? No, but we all know what happened to that poor kid from Whitman. Better accept it and ask your kid about it without making a huge scene so that if they are in a situation that they really need you they will call you. Talk about peer pressure, having fun without drinking, etc.. Neither of these is ideal, but one could save a kid's life, the other may not. Sad, but true!

[Anonymous]

I am torn on this. We tend to be very careful of who our dad (15yo) spends time with and we need to know quite a lot about the kids/family to let her sleep over somewhere. At the same time, it is REALLY hard to break into social groups at some high schools so if she is having a hard time I wouldn’t want to make it harder.

I think I would probably end up allowing it (taking pps’ suggestions of making sure I met the parents first) but I would insist that she find a way of orchestrating something where I could observe the kids soon after. This could just be my volunteering to drive the group places so I can get to know them (or eavesdrop) in the car. Or having a slumber party at our house.