How to explain to spouse how to be the bigger person withe anxious tween?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd consider family therapy. A child's anxiety affects and is affected by the whole family system. It was only after my DH and I began to look hard at our own emotions and reactions and to work to change them that we began to see improvements with our DD and with our family dynamic.

Thank you. How did these sessions work? I have been to someone who counsels parents on how to react to their children, but this counselor doesn't actually see the kids. It helped me and helped me see what isn't productive - problem is, it has put me in an awkward spot now playing peacemaker and trying to tweak my spouse's behavior, which isn't appreciated. I've thought about us both seeing this lady together, sending him alone, or family therapy.

I'm not sure my spouse's requirement of "being respected" and old fashioned ideas about parent-child relationships would allow him to work effectively in a family therapy situation or not. I am worried, though about my marriage and about my spouse and child's relationship with each other.

I guarantee you the therapist has seen this dynamic before and worked with parents who have the same view of parent-child relationships.

In convincing your spouse to go, I would couch it less in "you need to learn new parenting skills" or even "do it for me" so much as "things are obviously not working well right now and family therapy is chance for all of us to learn". Just don't put yourself in the position of passing judgment even if you feel that way internally. You should also acknowledge to yourself that you have room to improve as well.

Or even just start with the question "Do you think we have a positive family dynamic right now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. My kids have anxiety and DH overreacts. I can see exactly where they get it from. It also lowers my standards a bit: DH is a reasonably functional adult, aside from overreacting to the kids (and to his boss), so the kids have a good future ahead of them, anxiety and all.

^ I just re-read this. I meant that DH gets overly upset by his boss and vents to me about it, not that he overreacts to her.

We haven't reached the point where we need family or parenting counseling, because our worst periods are only temporary. But it's definitely something I'll keep in mind as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

I was the poster who suggested Dr Shapiro's class...from my experience, sometimes a spouse can feel threatened by traditional therapy. But, the class format felt a little less intimidating for my DH. He didn't have to feel like we needed "therapy."

I know that is not healthy thinking, but that is what I was dealing with. But calling it a "class" vs "therapy" worked to get my DH into the groups sessions and partnering to use the same parenting approaches.

We actually did both Shapiro and Unstuck. Yes, we've been on this path for a while!

[Anonymous]

OP, you know yourself better than I do obviously but - just in case I'm right about this - reflect on the fact that on one hand you want your dh to work more effectively with your child and you can see how to do it but on the other hand your own anxiety may be pushing you to try to interfere and control his behavior in a way that is not helpful.

Speaking as an anxious mom (and well aware of it) of an anxious child whose dad has anxiety himself but is in denial. I can't tell you what the best thing is to do but I can see myself wanting to interfere more than I should in order to control - which is my old go-to strategy when I feel anxious - get control. That can backfire.

I hope you can get your husband more involved in learning about this but you may have to accept that you can't change him. And that would mean letting go of attempts to control his behavior. Don't know that that is what you are facing because I don't know you - but I throw that in there from my experience just for your consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP here and agree with the above comments. It makes you feel like you're on an island when your spouse doesn't get it.

How would you approach your spouse about this in a non-threatening way?

And, yes, I have suggested on many occasions that spouse get checked out for anxiety/depression to no avail. It makes me want to run for the hills because I'm bending over backwards for him and DC and am turning into a contortionist to try to keep the ship afloat.

I am right there with you, OP. It's getting to the point where I'm not sure this is sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you know yourself better than I do obviously but - just in case I'm right about this - reflect on the fact that on one hand you want your dh to work more effectively with your child and you can see how to do it but on the other hand your own anxiety may be pushing you to try to interfere and control his behavior in a way that is not helpful.

Speaking as an anxious mom (and well aware of it) of an anxious child whose dad has anxiety himself but is in denial. I can't tell you what the best thing is to do but I can see myself wanting to interfere more than I should in order to control - which is my old go-to strategy when I feel anxious - get control. That can backfire.

I hope you can get your husband more involved in learning about this but you may have to accept that you can't change him. And that would mean letting go of attempts to control his behavior. Don't know that that is what you are facing because I don't know you - but I throw that in there from my experience just for your consideration.

Only the extent to which I feel the need to protect/defend my child (emotionally) from his overreactions/temper/unfair negative assumptions about DC's behavior. It is counterproductive and also frustrating as well, because I feel like I've been moving mountains to get our child to a better place - his temper and outbursts create setbacks. But he needs to hear it from someone else...I have admitted my own shortcomings to him and have even used the word "we" instead of "I" in attempts to make it feel less focused on him; have made gentle suggestions when it's not the heat of the moment and that seems to work best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, OP here and agree with the above comments. It makes you feel like you're on an island when your spouse doesn't get it.

How would you approach your spouse about this in a non-threatening way?

And, yes, I have suggested on many occasions that spouse get checked out for anxiety/depression to no avail. It makes me want to run for the hills because I'm bending over backwards for him and DC and am turning into a contortionist to try to keep the ship afloat.

I am right there with you, OP. It's getting to the point where I'm not sure this is sustainable.

Thanks, it's helpful to know I'm not the only one - it feels very lonely at times because I don't want to bad mouth my spouse even to my closest friends and also feel I can't talk about my DC's problems either because so few will understand.

[Anonymous]

OP - it seems to me that you have a marriage problem as much as, perhaps even more than, a SN parenting problem.

If you cannot collaborate and solve problems together, if you can't talk without someone getting defensive, you need to solve that first.

Marriage counseling IMO would probably be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd consider family therapy. A child's anxiety affects and is affected by the whole family system. It was only after my DH and I began to look hard at our own emotions and reactions and to work to change them that we began to see improvements with our DD and with our family dynamic.

Thank you. How did these sessions work? I have been to someone who counsels parents on how to react to their children, but this counselor doesn't actually see the kids. It helped me and helped me see what isn't productive - problem is, it has put me in an awkward spot now playing peacemaker and trying to tweak my spouse's behavior, which isn't appreciated. I've thought about us both seeing this lady together, sending him alone, or family therapy.

I'm not sure my spouse's requirement of "being respected" and old fashioned ideas about parent-child relationships would allow him to work effectively in a family therapy situation or not. I am worried, though about my marriage and about my spouse and child's relationship with each other.

This right here could be the heart of your problem. People with these old-fashioned attitudes just don't get it. Can you have a discussion with him, by yourself or in therapy, about what psychology has learned in the last 50 years?

[Anonymous]

OP, sometimes the dynamic between men and daughters (if your tween is a girl) can be difficult to understand and navigate. I found with my husband that I was the "interpreter" of feelings/actions/words that our daughter was expressing. He grew up in a family of mostly males, I grew up in one mostly females.
Maybe your husband feels like a "fish out of water" when trying to understand your tween. What helped for me is to have many sessions of communication with my husband gently teaching him what is normal or typical for girls and then interpreting our daughter for him. Counselors are great at getting everyone together and understanding as much as possible. Encourage your husband along the way, praise him for the little things he does do right and he might surprise you and come around. You're doing a great job Mom!

[Anonymous]

NP here but I could have written that same original post so I feel for you. My DS and DH both have (as of yet) undiagnosed anxiety issues. When DS is really anxious or if he feels threatened at all, his temper flares. My DH often finds fault with DS, no matter who is really the cause of an incident (another sibling, for example), and his temper flares as well, leading to cycle of anger. I'm left trying to keep the peace, but often take my kid's side because it's DH who is usually making the situation worse since he doesn't know how to talk to DS calmly. I try to make suggestions about how to deal with DS when we are not in the moment. I have also purchased a few books (The Explosive Child and How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Talk) for DH and I to read together. Good luck, OP, and everyone else dealing with similar issues.

[Anonymous]

DH didn't believe DS's ADHD (diagnosed) and Anxiety (not diagnosed, but evident to me and others) and often forgets that DS has them because they are relatively mild. I do have to remind him and ask him to dial his reactions and intensity back from time-to-time. I've found a non-accusatory, gentle reminder, away from the kids, seems to work best. I don't understand how he could forget, nor why its not obvious to him.