How to explain to spouse how to be the bigger person withe anxious tween?

[Anonymous]

My spouse tends to taken our anxious tween's behavior personally, and when I point something out, I get a tween like reaction. I feel like I've got an additional child on my hands and need another adult in the room. I simply am able to see the dynamic between them...if you have successfully navigated this with your spouse, can you offer tips on how to do so without hurting your marriage? I am the one who has been to the counseling sessions and have a better handle on what anxiety looks like, and how to respond. I’ve shared thre learnings but my spouse is so sensitive that it’s taken as criticism. Thanks for any advice...


Not posting in family relationships because I need insights from parents who have children with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Can he go to occasional therapy sessions? Our child's therapist would reschedule occasional so both parents could attend, either with or without our child.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he needs to go to some counseling sessions too. Our anxious kid is younger and we started family counseling so he wouldn’t feel singled out and defective for being the only one to go. Benefit is that the counselor has more credibility in my DH’s eyes when she suggests that she’s noticed a particular pattern or behavior that’s counterproductive. He’s more likely to listen to her without feeling defensive.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, yes, it seems like it needs to come from someone else...scheduling is very tricky, but maybe I can say this is what I want for my birthday, Christmas, etc, for spouse to go...

[Anonymous]

Perhaps something like Dr. Shapiro's class, The Parent Chlid Journey: https://www.parentchildjourney.com.

I dragged my DH to Unstuck and On Target at Ivymount specifically for the parent trainings. The kid goes to a training during the parent session as well.

But having both parents on the same page - especially for kids with challenges - is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps something like Dr. Shapiro's class, The Parent Chlid Journey: https://www.parentchildjourney.com.

I dragged my DH to Unstuck and On Target at Ivymount specifically for the parent trainings. The kid goes to a training during the parent session as well.

But having both parents on the same page - especially for kids with challenges - is so important.

Thanks - which one was better? Did you do Shapiro's class and the other one you mentioned? Also, how do you tell a spouse this has to be when your spouse is on the defensive?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd consider family therapy. A child's anxiety affects and is affected by the whole family system. It was only after my DH and I began to look hard at our own emotions and reactions and to work to change them that we began to see improvements with our DD and with our family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd consider family therapy. A child's anxiety affects and is affected by the whole family system. It was only after my DH and I began to look hard at our own emotions and reactions and to work to change them that we began to see improvements with our DD and with our family dynamic.

Thank you. How did these sessions work? I have been to someone who counsels parents on how to react to their children, but this counselor doesn't actually see the kids. It helped me and helped me see what isn't productive - problem is, it has put me in an awkward spot now playing peacemaker and trying to tweak my spouse's behavior, which isn't appreciated. I've thought about us both seeing this lady together, sending him alone, or family therapy.

I'm not sure my spouse's requirement of "being respected" and old fashioned ideas about parent-child relationships would allow him to work effectively in a family therapy situation or not. I am worried, though about my marriage and about my spouse and child's relationship with each other.

[Anonymous]

He NEEDS to go to a few sessions.

We met with our child's therapist after each session. She gave us strategies on how to manage his anxiety. Without that things would have been an even bigget mess.

[Anonymous]

When a child has a disorder, such as anxiety, traditional methods of parenting are rarely effective. Your husband needs to learn and accept this, and then be willing to learn some new ways.

Also, given the way he is reacting, is it possible he could have some untreated anxiety of his own?

[Anonymous]

I feel for you! DH overreacts to our kids. When I try to intervene he tells me I’m undermining his authority and gets angry. I’ve asked him to go to trainings or therapy but he’s refused. He simply doesn’t get it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a child has a disorder, such as anxiety, traditional methods of parenting are rarely effective. Your husband needs to learn and accept this, and then be willing to learn some new ways.

Also, given the way he is reacting, is it possible he could have some untreated anxiety of his own?

Agree with the above. Plus, I've found that the effective methods for parenting a kid with anxiety are often so counterintuitive. You really need to hear the methods from an expert you respect in order to stick with it and see results.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, OP here and agree with the above comments. It makes you feel like you're on an island when your spouse doesn't get it.

How would you approach your spouse about this in a non-threatening way?

And, yes, I have suggested on many occasions that spouse get checked out for anxiety/depression to no avail. It makes me want to run for the hills because I'm bending over backwards for him and DC and am turning into a contortionist to try to keep the ship afloat.

[Anonymous]

NP. My kids have anxiety and DH overreacts. I can see exactly where they get it from. It also lowers my standards a bit: DH is a reasonably functional adult, aside from overreacting to the kids (and to his boss), so the kids have a good future ahead of them, anxiety and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd consider family therapy. A child's anxiety affects and is affected by the whole family system. It was only after my DH and I began to look hard at our own emotions and reactions and to work to change them that we began to see improvements with our DD and with our family dynamic.

Thank you. How did these sessions work? I have been to someone who counsels parents on how to react to their children, but this counselor doesn't actually see the kids. It helped me and helped me see what isn't productive - problem is, it has put me in an awkward spot now playing peacemaker and trying to tweak my spouse's behavior, which isn't appreciated. I've thought about us both seeing this lady together, sending him alone, or family therapy.

I'm not sure my spouse's requirement of "being respected" and old fashioned ideas about parent-child relationships would allow him to work effectively in a family therapy situation or not. I am worried, though about my marriage and about my spouse and child's relationship with each other.

I guarantee you the therapist has seen this dynamic before and worked with parents who have the same view of parent-child relationships.

In convincing your spouse to go, I would couch it less in "you need to learn new parenting skills" or even "do it for me" so much as "things are obviously not working well right now and family therapy is chance for all of us to learn". Just don't put yourself in the position of passing judgment even if you feel that way internally. You should also acknowledge to yourself that you have room to improve as well.