Very Long Engagements

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But longer engagements are a relatively new thing. I'm thinking of acquaintances and coworkers for whom " getting engaged " doesn't mean getting married or even planning a wedding. It's a chance to formalize their relationship and use fiancé/fiancée. There may or may not be any wedding planning.

This. When couples get engaged and are actually planning a wedding and then you get a save the date for 2 yrs out -- I assume it's a venue/scheduling issue. In other parts of the country I've also seen it be a financial issue (couple needs the time to save for the wedding they want) and/or a he/she finishes school in 2 yrs so we'll get married right after graduation issue; less of an issue in the northeast where people don't get married as young. I don't give any of these things a passing thought -- the venue of your dreams or your financial or school/career planning is different for every couple.

But like the PP in the last 3-4 years, I've seen a half dozen couples who are/have been engaged for 3+ years already and there appears to be no planning. No venue. No specific date -- more like, we're thinking summer 2021. I knew one that was long distance and there seemed to be no push by either person to figure out who would move, switch jobs, or whether they'd both move to a new location etc. I don't consider it any of my business, but I feel like in those instances it may be a desire to consider each other exclusive, long term, more than just bf/gf, but no desire to formalize it with a marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you happen to attend an out of state wedding this weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of couples have to have long engagements here in this area because venues book up about 18 months in advance. I only had an 11 month engagement and had to take a spot that got vacated by chance (their next spot wasn't available for 2 years). It's not always the couple's choice.

If they are engaged, but not actively booking wedding venues and caterers, I would think they don't plan on getting married.

But it is the couple’s choice. Guarantee they could find somewhere within a few months. I had a four month engagement in DC and had a beautiful church wedding and a reception at a fabulous venue.

+1

You can definitely find a place. It is the couple's choice to go all bridezilla/groomzilla and declare that only one venue works for their reception (which is why many of us see this this for what it is - as masking ambivalence about the overall relationship).

How is it bride/groomzilla to pick a specific venue and want it badly enough to wait? It’s not like they’re charging you by the day. Such judgement.

You’re right that many of us judge people as unenthused about one another after they’ve date for years, then hem and haw when it comes to nailing down the details, or act like Goldilocks about the venues.

If you’re so secure in your relationship, why do you care if others judge you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of couples have to have long engagements here in this area because venues book up about 18 months in advance. I only had an 11 month engagement and had to take a spot that got vacated by chance (their next spot wasn't available for 2 years). It's not always the couple's choice.

If they are engaged, but not actively booking wedding venues and caterers, I would think they don't plan on getting married.

But it is the couple’s choice. Guarantee they could find somewhere within a few months. I had a four month engagement in DC and had a beautiful church wedding and a reception at a fabulous venue.

+1

You can definitely find a place. It is the couple's choice to go all bridezilla/groomzilla and declare that only one venue works for their reception (which is why many of us see this this for what it is - as masking ambivalence about the overall relationship).

How is it bride/groomzilla to pick a specific venue and want it badly enough to wait? It’s not like they’re charging you by the day. Such judgement.

You’re right that many of us judge people as unenthused about one another after they’ve date for years, then hem and haw when it comes to nailing down the details, or act like Goldilocks about the venues.

If you’re so secure in your relationship, why do you care if others judge you?

I don’t know what kind of people you know or why you’re so invested in their relationships. It seems odd to care so much about where or when other people get married.

[Anonymous]

Marry in haste, repent on leisure. Or at least during the one year wait to divorce.

Right now the waitlist for marriage preparation courses at my church is 3 months long and the course itself takes 6 months. That means that someone who gets engaged today, better make their first call to the deacon not their mom or best friend.

[Anonymous]

In my case, it was because I really didn't want a wedding. I finally caved and had a wedding I did not want, but fortunately it has been followed by a very happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Or a specific date or month. The two people I know who had long engagements only wanted to get married in a certain month, and the month was too close to the engagement date of the current year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you thoughts on couples who get engaged and stay engaged for several years (18 mos. or longer post engagement) "planning" the wedding? Does it come across as having apprehensions about getting married to take 3 years to plan a wedding, or to schedule a wedding 5 years out from the engagement?

loser indecisive guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you thoughts on couples who get engaged and stay engaged for several years (18 mos. or longer post engagement) "planning" the wedding? Does it come across as having apprehensions about getting married to take 3 years to plan a wedding, or to schedule a wedding 5 years out from the engagement?

loser indecisive guy.

It’s a “shut up for a few years” ring/engagement.

OP you’ve posted before. Don’t you already have a kid with this guy?

[Anonymous]

I've always felt sorry for the woman dating XYZ for years and years to no commitment.
Or the 2, 3,4,5 year engagement, what a joke. He's almost begging you to call it off and move on.

Is he this indecisive with other things as well? That is hard to live with.

[Anonymous]

We waited two years. I was married before and DH was not so he wanted a more traditional reception. I knew what a pain planning was. I also knew that being married doesn’t mean our relationship was any stronger than it was being engaged—neither of us was going anywhere! So we just weren’t in a rush. We finally did it but there was really no ulterior motive to our long wait other than a little bit of laziness!

[Anonymous]

I assume they aren’t in a rush to get married. The one case that I know of they had been together for awhile and she wasn’t planning to have kids. They did actually get married and are still together. Since often the bride does the planning, if she isn’t pressed about setting the date, why should I be? I would think that’s more in her control than waiting for a wedding proposal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of couples have to have long engagements here in this area because venues book up about 18 months in advance. I only had an 11 month engagement and had to take a spot that got vacated by chance (their next spot wasn't available for 2 years). It's not always the couple's choice.

If they are engaged, but not actively booking wedding venues and caterers, I would think they don't plan on getting married.

But it is the couple’s choice. Guarantee they could find somewhere within a few months. I had a four month engagement in DC and had a beautiful church wedding and a reception at a fabulous venue.

+1

You can definitely find a place. It is the couple's choice to go all bridezilla/groomzilla and declare that only one venue works for their reception (which is why many of us see this this for what it is - as masking ambivalence about the overall relationship).

How is it bride/groomzilla to pick a specific venue and want it badly enough to wait? It’s not like they’re charging you by the day. Such judgement.

You’re right that many of us judge people as unenthused about one another after they’ve date for years, then hem and haw when it comes to nailing down the details, or act like Goldilocks about the venues.

If you’re so secure in your relationship, why do you care if others judge you?

You’re talking past each other. There’s obviously a difference between a couple who is engaged for years and takes no steps to plan or set a date, and a couple that gets engaged, immediately sets a date and books a venue, but just has to wait a bit for the venue or whatever.

[Anonymous]

There's also a big difference in getting engaged at 20 and waiting 2.5 years until they both finish school and waiting 2.5 years at 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of couples have to have long engagements here in this area because venues book up about 18 months in advance. I only had an 11 month engagement and had to take a spot that got vacated by chance (their next spot wasn't available for 2 years). It's not always the couple's choice.

If they are engaged, but not actively booking wedding venues and caterers, I would think they don't plan on getting married.

But it is the couple’s choice. Guarantee they could find somewhere within a few months. I had a four month engagement in DC and had a beautiful church wedding and a reception at a fabulous venue.

+1

You can definitely find a place. It is the couple's choice to go all bridezilla/groomzilla and declare that only one venue works for their reception (which is why many of us see this this for what it is - as masking ambivalence about the overall relationship).

How is it bride/groomzilla to pick a specific venue and want it badly enough to wait? It’s not like they’re charging you by the day. Such judgement.

+1
I don't understand how someone can turn something as simple as a person's desire to get married at a specific venue into a negative.