Should I get a divorce at 55

[Anonymous]

Not until I did everything I could to save the marriage. If you've haven't gone through marriage counseling you need to give it a try.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband want? Staying together for kids in misery does more harm than good and will teach them to do the same in their relationships, BAD precedent to set in their lives....get counseling for yourself, then once you have your own footing emotionally, ask him to do marriage counseling together, if he refuses then I would absolutely divorce, you've got a whole lot of life ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

OP don’t do it. There are so many risks.
Your kids could be subjected to cruel step parents.
Second spouses can take all of your money.
Your present spouse could remarry sooner to someone your kids like more than you.
Money.
Stresss.
More loneliness.
Friends could abandon you if they prefer your spouses company.

[Anonymous]

Hi friend - Thanks for opening yourself up to a myriad of answers to your post. I believe the answer for your situation will come from deep within your heart, the one you know is the right thing for you to do. None of us can tell you what to do, but I would like to encourage you to pursue your marriage and not give up.

My guess is that there are whole bunch of issues going on inside your husband's head that he may not have the energy to talk about, or fears there is no solution. But there is always hope, even in the worst of situations. Your husband may not feel that way though, and has already given up trying. But you don't have to lose heart. You can find ways to show you care.

Make a list of all the different ways you can express what marriage means to you. Then pick and choose some that you would like to begin to implement into your daily routine, regardless if he notices or responds to them. You can do simple things like, call him on the phone, or text him, bake his favorite desserts, or cook his favorite meals, meet at the park for a picnic and share a letter you have written to him, watch a movie together, go out for ice-cream - anything that suggests you want to be in his company regardless if he responds.

Choose your words carefully. Speak with kindness and admiration. Ask about his day and engage in meaningful conversation about it if you can. Play music in your home to create a pleasant atmosphere. Buy him a small gift. Send him a card. Ask if you can help him with anything.

I know these might seem so trivial in comparison to the bigger problem you face, but these small acts of kindness will create an environment in your home that speaks of peace and friendship, without him having to offer anything back himself. Maybe after a while, you can approach him, when the timing is right, and ask if he is willing to open his heart to conversation. It might be awkward at first, and make you both shake inside since delicate topics will come up, but when he senses your genuine intentions are to restore and not to divide, he may soften a little bit.

Pray and ask God to help you. He created marriage with a specific plan in mind, and it takes both parties to surrender their hearts to make any progress.
Do you remember the Bible verse that is often recited at weddings?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I promise I will be praying for you too. Feel free to write back if you'd like.

[Anonymous]

OP, life is too short to be miserable. Divorce is so expensive because it is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband want? Staying together for kids in misery does more harm than good and will teach them to do the same in their relationships, BAD precedent to set in their lives....get counseling for yourself, then once you have your own footing emotionally, ask him to do marriage counseling together, if he refuses then I would absolutely divorce, you've got a whole lot of life ahead of you.

In a low-conflict relationship, where the parents are otherwise good co-parents, do the kids even notice the lack of affection and intimacy between the parents?

I'm in that exact situation and it's not like you can exactly ask the kids, "hey have you noticed that mommy and daddy don't love each other?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don’t do it. There are so many risks.
Your kids could be subjected to cruel step parents.
Second spouses can take all of your money.
Your present spouse could remarry sooner to someone your kids like more than you.
Money.
Stresss.
More loneliness.
Friends could abandon you if they prefer your spouses company.

The kids are teens. Any step-parent issues will be over with quickly when they go to college.

How is the second spouse going to "take all of her money"? When you divorce, you separate financially, and all of your money goes with you.

[Anonymous]

Disrespect? What does it mean, OP?

[Anonymous]

Leaving my child defenseless to my ex-wife’s crazry moods and weird ugly same sex affair partner was a concern for me. I’ve written else where that I had a prenup but I waited til my child turned 18. Divorce done last year. I waited cuz I didn’t want weird same sex step parent and weird mother messing up my child’s adolescence. I’m in my late 60’s, financially solvent, still a cutie pie, any looking for a Hot Grandma to ride off into the sunset with. I have no regrets. And if you plan things correctly neither should you. Age be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to work on it OP. Divorce is not good...not sure why people seem to be advocating for it on this forum

I agree with this advice. And, OP, you are not alone, you have teenagers. Although they will likely being going to college in a couple of years, they are still minors and in the household. I am your age and financially independent. I have two teenagers and am bored with my marriage of 25 years. I tolerate my husband for the sake of my kids. He's a wonderful dad and they adore him. I am also not willing to give up the money or divide it in half. We have a lot of assets tied up in the marriage and it's not worth the stress of trying to figure it out. Folks get bitter and ugly when it comes to money. Plus, our kids will be ready for college in a few years and having two households would be expensive including paying for private school and all the extracurriculars now and college later. For me, it's just cheaper and less complicated to stay in the marriage. For all I know my husband may feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to work on it OP. Divorce is not good...not sure why people seem to be advocating for it on this forum

I agree with this advice. And, OP, you are not alone, you have teenagers. Although they will likely being going to college in a couple of years, they are still minors and in the household. I am your age and financially independent. I have two teenagers and am bored with my marriage of 25 years. I tolerate my husband for the sake of my kids. He's a wonderful dad and they adore him. I am also not willing to give up the money or divide it in half. We have a lot of assets tied up in the marriage and it's not worth the stress of trying to figure it out. Folks get bitter and ugly when it comes to money. Plus, our kids will be ready for college in a few years and having two households would be expensive including paying for private school and all the extracurriculars now and college later. For me, it's just cheaper and less complicated to stay in the marriage. For all I know my husband may feel the same way.

I've seen some bad endings at that age. Some good, but mostly bad. Really depends on how bad the marriage is. One lady's husband left her for the AP. AP ended up dying and got DH in debt. If he had stayed with his wife he would have done well. House paid etc. Another left her husband because of a sexless marriage. Found a guy with similar interests, but again money issues.

I would really weigh everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband want? Staying together for kids in misery does more harm than good and will teach them to do the same in their relationships, BAD precedent to set in their lives....get counseling for yourself, then once you have your own footing emotionally, ask him to do marriage counseling together, if he refuses then I would absolutely divorce, you've got a whole lot of life ahead of you.

In a low-conflict relationship, where the parents are otherwise good co-parents, do the kids even notice the lack of affection and intimacy between the parents?

I'm in that exact situation and it's not like you can exactly ask the kids, "hey have you noticed that mommy and daddy don't love each other?"

You are their example of a healthy relationship. I would expect that your kids know more than you realize. I am not saying that you should divorce, but really kids are observant. I would want more for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m the 12:27 poster. As long as my husband and I are not mean or rude to each other, I doubt my kids are tuned into our relationship. They are teenagers and they’re life is centered on school, sports, video games, hanging with friends, Netflix, etc. As long as their lives aren’t affected, I don’t think they care. And, I’m not about to turn their lives upside down because I’m bored. Maybe when they are out of the house and in college, I’ll revisit things but now is not the time to leave or get a divorce. Frankly, it’s selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is too short to be miserable. Divorce is so expensive because it is worth it.

Divorce doesn't necessarily end all misery. My husband's parents split when he was 18. They were shocked to realize that they had to split their holiday time, and that issue was exacerbated when he met me in college and then we had to split with my parents. They don't live in the same place, so they spend 3 out of 4 Christmases and Thanksgivings alone. When we had kids they were again shocked to have to split grand kid time. When we had the first grandbaby, it was a huge issue who got to visit first since both grandparents live far away and refuse to be in the same room with each other. They have to split the happy moments. It hurt them both all over again.

Now, almost 20 years post divorce, they both have moved on to new lives, but in many ways they'll never really move past the divorce. It's still a source of hurt and unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

You know what, my parents split after 33 years of a sometimes OK, mostly bad marriage -- my dad finally left my mom for another woman the my older sibling and I graduated from grad school and my younger sibling graduated undergrad.

They should have gotten a divorce sooner. It wasn't as if our home life was so great -- two parents together and fighting, or together and not communicating, is really not any better than two parents living in separate households who are much happier apart than together.