Unreliable in-laws vent

[Anonymous]

15:25. This is OP. Thanks, that's a great observation that I hadn't considered. My parents travel a lot and ILs don't, so TBH the idea that they would come to watch our kids didn't really occur to me as a realistic possibility. I honestly thought that MIL would just get a kick out of hearing that her grand-daughter was asking about her. But it probably did set up a competitive feeling which might have caused her to offer to do something she really didn't want to do. It actually fits with her subtly competitive behavior in other areas, so it makes sense. It's just a really foreign reaction to me so not something I would immediately think about in a situation like this.

The irony here is that we've been going on a vacation with ILs for years. One that DH and I wouldn't choose on our own and is a pretty big inconvenience for us logistically...but we do it to spend time with them because it's what they prefer. They've rejected any and every suggestion to make it slightly easier for us. And my parents are somewhat jealous that we do that with ILs!

TBH, a big part of this, I'm seeing is actually less about ILs than it is about DH and I. DH has always bent over backward to get any time with his family, and then when they don't reciprocate even a little blame himself for not doing enough. Meanwhile, he sometimes complains about the discrepancy between how often we see my family compared to his. After this incident, for the first time, he acknowledged that he feels bad that his parents don't try as hard as he does and that the reason we see my family more often is that my parents make a lot of effort to visit us and also make it easy for us to visit them.

[Anonymous]

It's always shitty to back out of a commitment. They're 100% being shitty, no matter how much you weren't entitled to get this favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:25. This is OP. Thanks, that's a great observation that I hadn't considered. My parents travel a lot and ILs don't, so TBH the idea that they would come to watch our kids didn't really occur to me as a realistic possibility. I honestly thought that MIL would just get a kick out of hearing that her grand-daughter was asking about her. But it probably did set up a competitive feeling which might have caused her to offer to do something she really didn't want to do. It actually fits with her subtly competitive behavior in other areas, so it makes sense. It's just a really foreign reaction to me so not something I would immediately think about in a situation like this.

The irony here is that we've been going on a vacation with ILs for years. One that DH and I wouldn't choose on our own and is a pretty big inconvenience for us logistically...but we do it to spend time with them because it's what they prefer. They've rejected any and every suggestion to make it slightly easier for us. And my parents are somewhat jealous that we do that with ILs!

TBH, a big part of this, I'm seeing is actually less about ILs than it is about DH and I. DH has always bent over backward to get any time with his family, and then when they don't reciprocate even a little blame himself for not doing enough. Meanwhile, he sometimes complains about the discrepancy between how often we see my family compared to his. After this incident, for the first time, he acknowledged that he feels bad that his parents don't try as hard as he does and that the reason we see my family more often is that my parents make a lot of effort to visit us and also make it easy for us to visit them.

You're welcome.

And something for your husband (if you feel like passing it on). Just like you should try not to compare your children, you should try not to compare your parents. Everyone has their own comfort levels to what they are willing to do for their adult children or their grandchildren. Holding them to higher expectations by comparing them to someone else who has different life parameters is not fair and only taints your relationship. Appreciate them for what they are and what they do without trying to compare what your parents do for you and the kids. You don't know all of the reasons why they can't make as much effort or commitment for you or your kids, so don't try to judge them. What you do, is try to do what you can with them and appreciate them for what they do. Hard stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're welcome.

And something for your husband (if you feel like passing it on). Just like you should try not to compare your children, you should try not to compare your parents. Everyone has their own comfort levels to what they are willing to do for their adult children or their grandchildren. Holding them to higher expectations by comparing them to someone else who has different life parameters is not fair and only taints your relationship. Appreciate them for what they are and what they do without trying to compare what your parents do for you and the kids. You don't know all of the reasons why they can't make as much effort or commitment for you or your kids, so don't try to judge them. What you do, is try to do what you can with them and appreciate them for what they do. Hard stop.

Good observation and goal to work toward. I think what's happening right now is that, especially being a father himself now, DH is starting to really deal with all of his childhood stuff (which we all have). I firmly believe that you have to first at least acknowledge your parents' deficiencies (at least those from your childhood) in order to move on...or you end up stuck in a loop of wondering if it was them who didn't meet all of your needs or if there was something wrong with you for having those needs. And in DH's case, there were some pretty fundamental needs around stability and security that weren't met in his childhood. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise, especially since my mom is able to help us out in the end. But DH is clearly very hurt, and I'm frustrated with ILs.

[Anonymous]

Jesus OP, you have a FT nanny and two pairs of grandparents who at times fly across the country to pitch in to help out and you're annoyed about the ILs aren't doing more?

Grow up. They're your kids, and you obviously have sufficient resources to figure out a solution. Your ILs are not obligated to take your children so you can go on a vacation without kids. Doesn't make them bad grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, you have a FT nanny and two pairs of grandparents who at times fly across the country to pitch in to help out and you're annoyed about the ILs aren't doing more?

Grow up. They're your kids, and you obviously have sufficient resources to figure out a solution. Your ILs are not obligated to take your children so you can go on a vacation without kids. Doesn't make them bad grandparents.

OP isn't annoyed they're doing more. She's annoyed they volunteered and then backed out at the last minute. She never actually asked them for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus OP, you have a FT nanny and two pairs of grandparents who at times fly across the country to pitch in to help out and you're annoyed about the ILs aren't doing more?

Grow up. They're your kids, and you obviously have sufficient resources to figure out a solution. Your ILs are not obligated to take your children so you can go on a vacation without kids. Doesn't make them bad grandparents.

Learn to read.

[Anonymous]

OP, so now you know. There's not much else to say, or think. Going forward you embrace this knowledge.

[Anonymous]

It’s crappy that they backed out but I totally get why they committed in the first place. I absolutely would have felt that saying no to your request would have subtly been taken as a snub. Yes you may have said you didn’t expect them to come but seriously - who invites someone with any sincerity and then adds that disclaimer? Here’s an invitation because of course we want you - but oh you don’t actually need to accept!! And to boot it’s from your little grandchild who loves you and requests you but go ahead and say no! You really pushed them into a corner.

[Anonymous]

Why not stop taking this vacation? Step back all together. I can sense the simmering resentment on your end, not the least of which is watching your husband suffer. Just drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, there's no immediate problem to solve, since my mom is making adjustments to help us out...but I need to vent.

We have a 1 and 4 y.o., and in July DH and I are planning our first real vacation alone since before they were born. The idea came up over Christmas, when my mom mentioned that if we wanted to go on a vacation she would watch our kids. Since older DD was born, my mom has always made a big deal about DH and I needing to spend time alone together to keep our marriage strong, so this is in line with that. Neither ILs or my parents live where we do (all are airplane rides away), and my parents live quite a bit further away.

While we were making plans, I talked to DD about spending time with just my mom, and she asked if MIL was also coming. I passed this along to MIL in a very light-hearted way, because I thought she'd be happy that DD wanted to spend time with her. I said explicitly that my mom was coming, and we really didn't expect her to come...but a couple weeks later she sent me and DH an email saying she would be happy to come when we go on our trip. So, ultimately, we worked out a plan where ILs would come a couple days before we leave, and then my mom would overlap while we were gone and then stay for the weekend after we got back. This was a month-ish ago, and tickets were purchased. Well, this weekend, ILs just announce, without apology, that they weren't going to come after all. Ultimately, my mom changed her work schedule and tickets to be here just for our trip...and now I won't really get to see her at all.

I know we're lucky that they even offered to come, but apparently they told DH that they felt pushed into it and it was too much to ask. We didn't ask or expect it!! I told MIL something because I thought it would make her happy...and we would never have brought it up again if she hadn't. My mom was planning to watch the kids for the entire week, and if that had been the plan we would have scheduled our trip around her work instead of her now having to reschedule her work. I'm venting because this is just another indication that ILs just really don't value a relationship with us unless we go far out of our way to make it happen...something DH recognizes but hasn't really internalized. He just seemed so crushed that they did this...especially in comparison to my mom changing her plans for us (and my parents are far from perfect).

I don't know...just venting.

I really didn’t read passed this. It took 16 years of parenthood before DH and I had more than an overnight. Count your blessings.

You don't get a cookie for being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, there's no immediate problem to solve, since my mom is making adjustments to help us out...but I need to vent.

We have a 1 and 4 y.o., and in July DH and I are planning our first real vacation alone since before they were born. The idea came up over Christmas, when my mom mentioned that if we wanted to go on a vacation she would watch our kids. Since older DD was born, my mom has always made a big deal about DH and I needing to spend time alone together to keep our marriage strong, so this is in line with that. Neither ILs or my parents live where we do (all are airplane rides away), and my parents live quite a bit further away.

While we were making plans, I talked to DD about spending time with just my mom, and she asked if MIL was also coming. I passed this along to MIL in a very light-hearted way, because I thought she'd be happy that DD wanted to spend time with her. I said explicitly that my mom was coming, and we really didn't expect her to come...but a couple weeks later she sent me and DH an email saying she would be happy to come when we go on our trip. So, ultimately, we worked out a plan where ILs would come a couple days before we leave, and then my mom would overlap while we were gone and then stay for the weekend after we got back. This was a month-ish ago, and tickets were purchased. Well, this weekend, ILs just announce, without apology, that they weren't going to come after all. Ultimately, my mom changed her work schedule and tickets to be here just for our trip...and now I won't really get to see her at all.

I know we're lucky that they even offered to come, but apparently they told DH that they felt pushed into it and it was too much to ask. We didn't ask or expect it!! I told MIL something because I thought it would make her happy...and we would never have brought it up again if she hadn't. My mom was planning to watch the kids for the entire week, and if that had been the plan we would have scheduled our trip around her work instead of her now having to reschedule her work. I'm venting because this is just another indication that ILs just really don't value a relationship with us unless we go far out of our way to make it happen...something DH recognizes but hasn't really internalized. He just seemed so crushed that they did this...especially in comparison to my mom changing her plans for us (and my parents are far from perfect).

I don't know...just venting.

I really didn’t read passed this. It took 16 years of parenthood before DH and I had more than an overnight. Count your blessings.

You don't get a cookie for being a martyr.

Not OP. I'm struggle to understand how you read into OP's comment about their first real vacation in 4+ years as being martyrish. Some people (me, included) don't have the resources to have annual vacations so it's a big deal when we do plan one. It's also disappointing when someone you are counting on for something backs out and leaves you dangling. Maybe you haven't experienced these sorts of things but just because you live in a bubble doesn't mean you can't imagine how someone without your resources feels when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, there's no immediate problem to solve, since my mom is making adjustments to help us out...but I need to vent.

We have a 1 and 4 y.o., and in July DH and I are planning our first real vacation alone since before they were born. The idea came up over Christmas, when my mom mentioned that if we wanted to go on a vacation she would watch our kids. Since older DD was born, my mom has always made a big deal about DH and I needing to spend time alone together to keep our marriage strong, so this is in line with that. Neither ILs or my parents live where we do (all are airplane rides away), and my parents live quite a bit further away.

While we were making plans, I talked to DD about spending time with just my mom, and she asked if MIL was also coming. I passed this along to MIL in a very light-hearted way, because I thought she'd be happy that DD wanted to spend time with her. I said explicitly that my mom was coming, and we really didn't expect her to come...but a couple weeks later she sent me and DH an email saying she would be happy to come when we go on our trip. So, ultimately, we worked out a plan where ILs would come a couple days before we leave, and then my mom would overlap while we were gone and then stay for the weekend after we got back. This was a month-ish ago, and tickets were purchased. Well, this weekend, ILs just announce, without apology, that they weren't going to come after all. Ultimately, my mom changed her work schedule and tickets to be here just for our trip...and now I won't really get to see her at all.

I know we're lucky that they even offered to come, but apparently they told DH that they felt pushed into it and it was too much to ask. We didn't ask or expect it!! I told MIL something because I thought it would make her happy...and we would never have brought it up again if she hadn't. My mom was planning to watch the kids for the entire week, and if that had been the plan we would have scheduled our trip around her work instead of her now having to reschedule her work. I'm venting because this is just another indication that ILs just really don't value a relationship with us unless we go far out of our way to make it happen...something DH recognizes but hasn't really internalized. He just seemed so crushed that they did this...especially in comparison to my mom changing her plans for us (and my parents are far from perfect).

I don't know...just venting.

I really didn’t read passed this. It took 16 years of parenthood before DH and I had more than an overnight. Count your blessings.

You don't get a cookie for being a martyr.

Not OP. I'm struggle to understand how you read into OP's comment about their first real vacation in 4+ years as being martyrish. Some people (me, included) don't have the resources to have annual vacations so it's a big deal when we do plan one. It's also disappointing when someone you are counting on for something backs out and leaves you dangling. Maybe you haven't experienced these sorts of things but just because you live in a bubble doesn't mean you can't imagine how someone without your resources feels when it happens.

Read the prior messages again. I was responding to the pp whining about not going on vacation in 16 years, not the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point, there's no immediate problem to solve, since my mom is making adjustments to help us out...but I need to vent.

We have a 1 and 4 y.o., and in July DH and I are planning our first real vacation alone since before they were born. The idea came up over Christmas, when my mom mentioned that if we wanted to go on a vacation she would watch our kids. Since older DD was born, my mom has always made a big deal about DH and I needing to spend time alone together to keep our marriage strong, so this is in line with that. Neither ILs or my parents live where we do (all are airplane rides away), and my parents live quite a bit further away.

While we were making plans, I talked to DD about spending time with just my mom, and she asked if MIL was also coming. I passed this along to MIL in a very light-hearted way, because I thought she'd be happy that DD wanted to spend time with her. I said explicitly that my mom was coming, and we really didn't expect her to come...but a couple weeks later she sent me and DH an email saying she would be happy to come when we go on our trip. So, ultimately, we worked out a plan where ILs would come a couple days before we leave, and then my mom would overlap while we were gone and then stay for the weekend after we got back. This was a month-ish ago, and tickets were purchased. Well, this weekend, ILs just announce, without apology, that they weren't going to come after all. Ultimately, my mom changed her work schedule and tickets to be here just for our trip...and now I won't really get to see her at all.

I know we're lucky that they even offered to come, but apparently they told DH that they felt pushed into it and it was too much to ask. We didn't ask or expect it!! I told MIL something because I thought it would make her happy...and we would never have brought it up again if she hadn't. My mom was planning to watch the kids for the entire week, and if that had been the plan we would have scheduled our trip around her work instead of her now having to reschedule her work. I'm venting because this is just another indication that ILs just really don't value a relationship with us unless we go far out of our way to make it happen...something DH recognizes but hasn't really internalized. He just seemed so crushed that they did this...especially in comparison to my mom changing her plans for us (and my parents are far from perfect).

I don't know...just venting.

I really didn’t read passed this. It took 16 years of parenthood before DH and I had more than an overnight. Count your blessings.

NP here. There is always one lurking... Here's your cookie pp. Poor you.