SIL drama is ruining my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest that you now have a professional monitor take over the visits. I know that then you wouldn't get to see your niece but it would take you off the hot seat here. Also if you haven't yet, you might do some reading up on the dynamics of addiction in families. And the reality is if people want to behave like a codependent you can't stop them from doing it - just like you can't make an addict stop using. But it might be helpful to understand this better nevertheless. Good luck, OP! Hope it gets better!

Yep. If her parents enabled her, well, their over-reaction could be expected. It sounds like your DH has fallen into that trap--can't handle that there are consequences for the actions his sister made, and it's easier to dump on you.

Go home and work this out--but be clear that at the very least, you and he won't be supervising visits once re-established. That's the agreement you need to come to.

[Anonymous]

Are you the one who has usually been supervising the visits, or mostly it’s been your husband?

They want you to put family loyalty before the child's welfare. Maybe if SIL wasn’t such a mess, you could have given her a warning and another chance before reporting her. But she sounds like she’s had plenty of chances already. How can she not see that it hurts her daughter when she trashes her ex? I don’t know how old her daughter is, but she’ll learn quickly not to talk about her dad and not to share big chunks of her life with her mother. SIL needs counseling. Your DH needs to wake up.

[Anonymous]

OP you did the right thing by your niece.

You need to decide what you want to do wrt your marriage. Either way you would probably benefit from counseling.

Definitely time for the professional monitor to take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you did the right thing by your niece.

You need to decide what you want to do wrt your marriage. Either way you would probably benefit from counseling.

Definitely time for the professional monitor to take over.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but your SIL is taking advantage of your good nature. She and her exDH need to pay for a outside mediator to supervisor visits out of pocket and stop dragging you in every weekend. Unfair.

[Anonymous]

What struck me was when your DH said to "grow up and come home". He clearly has some issues of his own if this is his response to an upsetting situation caused by his family. Sounds a little controlling, demanding and borderline abusive to me....tread lightly about returning home. Make sure to put conditions on your return which should include counseling for the two of you and no more supervised visits. If he refuses these reasonable requests then I would re-consider whether this marriage/relationship is a healthy one.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have kids get the heck out. Do you want your own kids to be part of this dysfunction? Maybe they will inheret mental health problems.

[Anonymous]

"Grow up and come home" suggests he still doesn't get it.

Envision bringing children into this mess. No way!

[Anonymous]

Don’t have kids with this man if you decide to stay married. I would consider this a separation that could lead to divorce. Work on you.

[Anonymous]

You title is wrong. SIL drama is not what is ruining your marriage. Your DH and his parents are no different as you learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You title is wrong. SIL drama is not what is ruining your marriage. Your DH and his parents are no different as you learned.

Yep. This is a DH problem. You made the right decision to report your SIL and I don't blame you for taking a break. Counseling is the only way to make this marriage work - and even with counseling, it may not. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop doing supervision and think about dumping dh.

[Anonymous]

Ok everyone thanks for your replies. I did meet up with H last night and we talked very calmly. He knows I am done arguing about his sister and I think he is too. We agreed to disagree and we are no longer going to supervise SIL visitation when she gets it back. He also acknowledged his sister was toxic and he said until we get back on track he would make sure his sister kept her distance.

He said the GAL recommended that she get 1 hour per week visitation for 60 days monitored by a professional. After that if there is progress increase the weekly time but there will be no weekend visitation for the next few months at least.

We have a good relationship with our nieces dad and he has not prevented us from having contact with her outside of her visitations with her mother. His only stipulation has been that she cannot stay over at the grandparents. They can see her though at our house.

There is still tension but I think H now realizes I did not have any bad intent toward his sister but it was for the good of our niece. We are definitely going to see a counselor.

[Anonymous]

This is why I’m against family being allowed to supervise visits. I understand it helps alleviate the stress of an over taxed system, but it can cause huge family issues like this. I’d go try to work it out with your husband and then make a rule that neither of you will supervise and only allow the court appointed person to supervise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I’m against family being allowed to supervise visits. I understand it helps alleviate the stress of an over taxed system, but it can cause huge family issues like this. I’d go try to work it out with your husband and then make a rule that neither of you will supervise and only allow the court appointed person to supervise.

Agree. Family dynamics are often too enmeshed and dysfunctional to be healthy for the child. It undermines the court stipulations most times because family members let things slide or full out lie about aspects of monitoring that defeats the (safety) purpose.