What does it mean about me that I get along well with women 1:1 but not in a group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get along with men in big groups? This sounds more like an introvert/extrovert thing than a gendered thing.

I do get along with men in big groups. I gravitate more toward them when we're at parties and other social events. I find them easier to talk to because a lot of times the conversation revolves around sports and that's something I know a lot about and enjoy talking about. Sometimes I think the other women think it's strange that I'm standing around with the guys rather than in the group of women. I get frustrated that at a lot of these things, the women automatically form their own little group and basically sequester themselves from the men for "girl time". I would honestly rather chat with the men (one of whom is DH). I have a higher level of comfort with men than women unless they're my good friends. -OP

This is strange. My social circle doesn't do this.

But I don't think it's a problem to hang out with the guys if that's what makes you more comfortable. I also think you might try talking about sports when you're with women -- most of us follow sports too. But if these events always look like the women in one room talking about their kids while the guys shoot the shit about the Wizards in another room, I imagine I'd gravitate toward the guys too.

I also think this is strange. My closest circle of friends, the original group of friends was a mix of men and women and we have brought in our spouses. So there is no gendered hanging out.

It seems like you need some more interesting women to hang around with?

[Anonymous]

There is a divide within female socialization, and it might be class-based. I'm going to way oversimplify here. I was raised to be polite, have good table manners, and to be kind - that sort of stuff. I know families where girls/women are raised that way and then some. Frequent compliments, endless positivity, no strong opinions expressed, even if they have nothing to do with hot-button topics.

This is something I've been digging into in conversation with my own mom. One example of many - we recently attended the baby shower of a longtime family friend. The mother of a girl I was friendly with in school, "Shelly", was there. She couldn't stop gushing about everything, including how my mom looked "amazing" and "no older than when the girls were in school." DCUM, my mom is a working-class woman in her sixties. She looks fine. She is not stylish or a beauty.

I've seen this divide play out a lot. I met a boyfriend's mother many years ago. I was polite, well-spoken, participated in conversation, careful with my manner. She didn't like me. I wasn't "nice".

I'm sure most of you will read this and think, well, you just aren't friendly, but I am. Some of you might relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a divide within female socialization, and it might be class-based. I'm going to way oversimplify here. I was raised to be polite, have good table manners, and to be kind - that sort of stuff. I know families where girls/women are raised that way and then some. Frequent compliments, endless positivity, no strong opinions expressed, even if they have nothing to do with hot-button topics.

This is something I've been digging into in conversation with my own mom. One example of many - we recently attended the baby shower of a longtime family friend. The mother of a girl I was friendly with in school, "Shelly", was there. She couldn't stop gushing about everything, including how my mom looked "amazing" and "no older than when the girls were in school." DCUM, my mom is a working-class woman in her sixties. She looks fine. She is not stylish or a beauty.

I've seen this divide play out a lot. I met a boyfriend's mother many years ago. I was polite, well-spoken, participated in conversation, careful with my manner. She didn't like me. I wasn't "nice".

I'm sure most of you will read this and think, well, you just aren't friendly, but I am. Some of you might relate.

I hear what you're saying about the compliments as a substitute for personality archetype, but that's usually with perfect or near-perfect strangers or a generational issue. I can see it happening occasionally, but every time you're around a group of women (OP's scenario) strikes me as unlikely or at least very unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a divide within female socialization, and it might be class-based. I'm going to way oversimplify here. I was raised to be polite, have good table manners, and to be kind - that sort of stuff. I know families where girls/women are raised that way and then some. Frequent compliments, endless positivity, no strong opinions expressed, even if they have nothing to do with hot-button topics.

This is something I've been digging into in conversation with my own mom. One example of many - we recently attended the baby shower of a longtime family friend. The mother of a girl I was friendly with in school, "Shelly", was there. She couldn't stop gushing about everything, including how my mom looked "amazing" and "no older than when the girls were in school." DCUM, my mom is a working-class woman in her sixties. She looks fine. She is not stylish or a beauty.

I've seen this divide play out a lot. I met a boyfriend's mother many years ago. I was polite, well-spoken, participated in conversation, careful with my manner. She didn't like me. I wasn't "nice".

I'm sure most of you will read this and think, well, you just aren't friendly, but I am. Some of you might relate.

I hear what you're saying about the compliments as a substitute for personality archetype, but that's usually with perfect or near-perfect strangers or a generational issue. I can see it happening occasionally, but every time you're around a group of women (OP's scenario) strikes me as unlikely or at least very unusual.

OP here. This hits the nail on the head for the soccer mom group. It just seems so surface and artificial. Every single time they interact they all hug and kiss hello and there are always a million compliments flying around. Talk is all about the kids or beauty routines or workouts. Maybe they're just not my people. That's fine, but I spend a lot of time with these people due to sports and the neighborhood so I'm trying to find ways to go along to get along. I can have conversations about those topics with my good friends, but with this group it seems like everyone must all be in agreement about everything. There's a palpable feeling of discomfort if anyone expresses an opinion that differs from the majority of the group. But like I said, this has been an issue for me for most of my life which is why I'm trying to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I think many, many women feel this way. I certainly do.

I used to know a guy who had an elaborate pick-up routine where he would say to a woman that he could tell a lot about her based on the little interaction they had, and one thing he always listed was "you get along much better with men than with other women". Almost everyone fell for it hook, line, and sinker, thinking he had made this profound observation, when reality is he had just figured out most females felt that way.

Sometimes I wonder if all women are secretly putting up this charade of superficiality in an attempt to fit in, thinking that is what everyone else in the group wants when they really....don't.

[Anonymous]

Here is an example of strange communication within a group of women. Laura and Maddy are best friends. Laura arrives at a group event. Maddy hasn't arrived .. they usually arrive together. Laura makes sure she has everyone's attention and says, "btw Maddy is really embarrassed about what her son did ... Laura goes on to tell a tale in great detail about a bad thing the boy did or it's speculated he did. Now I don't know what to do with this information. First I hadn't heard a thing about it so I wasn't hearing a corrected version of the story. I wasn't likely to know anything about it if her "best friend" hadn't blabbed. Did they have a falling-out? If so we should let Maddy know she is being gossiped about. It isn't kind listening to this. Or, oddly it seems maybe Maddy sent Laura into the group to get-the-story out in the preferred version? It's just too weird. And if the story would otherwise elicit a sympathetic response, should I pretend, going forward, to not know the information? I certainly am not going to feel close to these two or the group. I can't read the signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a divide within female socialization, and it might be class-based. I'm going to way oversimplify here. I was raised to be polite, have good table manners, and to be kind - that sort of stuff. I know families where girls/women are raised that way and then some. Frequent compliments, endless positivity, no strong opinions expressed, even if they have nothing to do with hot-button topics.

This is something I've been digging into in conversation with my own mom. One example of many - we recently attended the baby shower of a longtime family friend. The mother of a girl I was friendly with in school, "Shelly", was there. She couldn't stop gushing about everything, including how my mom looked "amazing" and "no older than when the girls were in school." DCUM, my mom is a working-class woman in her sixties. She looks fine. She is not stylish or a beauty.

I've seen this divide play out a lot. I met a boyfriend's mother many years ago. I was polite, well-spoken, participated in conversation, careful with my manner. She didn't like me. I wasn't "nice".

I'm sure most of you will read this and think, well, you just aren't friendly, but I am. Some of you might relate.

It sounds like you’re too hard on people who are friendlier and more enthusiastic than you. FWIW, your mom doesn’t have to be a great beauty to have aged well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many, many women feel this way. I certainly do.

I used to know a guy who had an elaborate pick-up routine where he would say to a woman that he could tell a lot about her based on the little interaction they had, and one thing he always listed was "you get along much better with men than with other women". Almost everyone fell for it hook, line, and sinker, thinking he had made this profound observation, when reality is he had just figured out most females felt that way.

Sometimes I wonder if all women are secretly putting up this charade of superficiality in an attempt to fit in, thinking that is what everyone else in the group wants when they really....don't.

No. I’m highly suspicious of women who claim not to get along with other women.