What does it mean about me that I get along well with women 1:1 but not in a group?

[Anonymous]

I'm in my late thirties but I've always been this way. I get along well with women one on one but for some reason I have trouble and feel awkward when I'm with a group of women. For instance, in college I lived in my sorority house and hated it. I made friends with some of the girls individually, but then when we were all together in a group there was a different dynamic and it felt forced and fake to me. The same thing happens even as an adult. I have made friends with moms in my neighborhood and have individual relationships, but then in a group setting I feel awkward and almost intimidated. Maybe I'm afraid of being judged? I would like to be over this as I feel like I come across as awkward in group settings and it's hindering me from developing relationships.

FWIW I do have a core group of close friends and don't feel this way with them. It's just with people that I know socially or haven't known for a long time.

[Anonymous]

I relate to what you shared, OP. I never assumed anything was causing this (such as an insecurity) but I guess it’s reasonable. I prefer a different kind of connection after I left the college /young professional years. I’m a fantastic friend and person, I love getting to be myself in front of friends and am told I’m hilarious. I consider that a special piece of myself that only comes out when I’m comfortable enough. I don’t owe my best self to anyone other than those I love. I’m sure my friends would love for me to “turn it on” at a NYE party or Girls Brunch, but I don’t owe their guest ish and I’m not acting like anything other myself.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to play with the pretenders. You have healthy relationships, healthy social settings, and don't prefer larger groups where there is a lot of fluff. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

I am like that too, I think because I am an introvert. I have enough mental energy for one or two people, but get overwhelmed in a group, especially if there isn't a clear dynamic in place.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is an introvert thing. I'm the same way. Totally awkward in groups. Slightly less awkward 1-on-one.

[Anonymous]

Are you more of a loner? I am, and I am happier when I'm with family or with just one person who isn't family. I was always the one who just left without saying goodbye when I went out with a group, because I would just get tired of the small talk and would just get up and leave. I just stopped going out after a few times, since I knew how it would end. I'm happy doing my own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is an introvert thing. I'm the same way. Totally awkward in groups. Slightly less awkward 1-on-one.

I am an introvert but can be social with people I'm comfortable with. Maybe it's a comfort level thing. I feel like I can be myself and not be judged if I say or do something awkward with close friends since they already know me and won't judge me, but when I'm around people I don't know that well I am more on guard. I'm actually known as one of the more chatty and social people in my group of close friends, but it's hard for me to show that side of me with people I don't know well.

So, for example, my son plays soccer with a bunch of kids from the neighborhood and sometimes the moms organize get togethers and when I go, even though I know everyone there, I feel shy and awkward and probably come across that way. But the only way to become more comfortable with them is to spend more time with them but because I'm not loud and extroverted I feel like I don't fit in. But there are a few of the moms I can text and chat with just fine when we're one on one. When I get in these group situations it's like I can't think of anything to talk about and that probably comes across as standoffish. I've noticed I've stopped being invited to some of the get togethers (I see them on social media) and then it makes me feel more awkward when I see the moms at soccer practices and games and they're all chatting together. I feel weird going up to them and chatting since I have trouble thinking of things to talk about and don't want to interrupt their conversation, but I also feel awkward standing around by myself.

-OP

[Anonymous]

As another introvert, I agree. It has taken me awhile to be able to fake it in large groups and I prefer one on one or a small dinner party. Sometimes I practice some general questions or topics in my head before a big gathering - for instance the school auction this weekend - so I am ready. But I never have much fun unless I find a friend or two and a corner table.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Do you get along with men in big groups? This sounds more like an introvert/extrovert thing than a gendered thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you get along with men in big groups? This sounds more like an introvert/extrovert thing than a gendered thing.

I do get along with men in big groups. I gravitate more toward them when we're at parties and other social events. I find them easier to talk to because a lot of times the conversation revolves around sports and that's something I know a lot about and enjoy talking about. Sometimes I think the other women think it's strange that I'm standing around with the guys rather than in the group of women. I get frustrated that at a lot of these things, the women automatically form their own little group and basically sequester themselves from the men for "girl time". I would honestly rather chat with the men (one of whom is DH). I have a higher level of comfort with men than women unless they're my good friends. -OP

[Anonymous]

I’m the same way. When I’m one on one, I like hearing more about a person. I don’t feel pressure to be funny or witty. Usually the laughs come about in the course of conversation not in trying to be funny but in some of the absurdity of laugh. When I am in a group, it’s more work, it feels like being an air traffic controller. You are trying to figure out when to speak, when to sit back. If people near you break into conversation do you turn to left or right, and are you gracefully leaving the conversation or dropping someone because a better conversation is going on next to you. I’m also pretty guarded so it would be very superficial with a group of people I don’t know. It takes more out of me socializing in a big group. I think I’m a social introvert.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad my kids are old enough now that I don't have to make play park chit chat anymore. That was often uncomfortable, especially when they would begin discussing somebody who wasn't there. Women turn on each other far too easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you get along with men in big groups? This sounds more like an introvert/extrovert thing than a gendered thing.

I do get along with men in big groups. I gravitate more toward them when we're at parties and other social events. I find them easier to talk to because a lot of times the conversation revolves around sports and that's something I know a lot about and enjoy talking about. Sometimes I think the other women think it's strange that I'm standing around with the guys rather than in the group of women. I get frustrated that at a lot of these things, the women automatically form their own little group and basically sequester themselves from the men for "girl time". I would honestly rather chat with the men (one of whom is DH). I have a higher level of comfort with men than women unless they're my good friends. -OP

This is strange. My social circle doesn't do this.

But I don't think it's a problem to hang out with the guys if that's what makes you more comfortable. I also think you might try talking about sports when you're with women -- most of us follow sports too. But if these events always look like the women in one room talking about their kids while the guys shoot the shit about the Wizards in another room, I imagine I'd gravitate toward the guys too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad my kids are old enough now that I don't have to make play park chit chat anymore. That was often uncomfortable, especially when they would begin discussing somebody who wasn't there. Women turn on each other far too easily.

Do you have any sense of the irony of women saying they don’t want to talk to other women because women turn on each other too easily?