Not seeing grandson is making FIL sick

[Anonymous]

Seeing them 2x year is not unreasonable. You SHOULD stay in a hotel. That could be nonnegotiable. Your husband COULD go with the children, without you. YOU should see them, at very minimum, 1x year unless they are overseas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 times a year is reasonable.

You’d take 3 weeks off a year to fly down and see in laws (Since we have to fly, we can’t just go for a weekend). That doesn’t leave much time to see my family or do anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound deranged. This would make me significantly less likely to want to expose my child to them.

+1 I wouldn't have said "deranged", but manipulative for sure. And we don't need that in our lives. In fact, we cut off my parents in law for similar reasons. If they can't respect us and not behave ridiculously, then no contact.

[Anonymous]

So they thought you would expose your infant to an elderly man with a fever? That was a plan destined to backfire.

[Anonymous]

How much can they really get out of FaceTiming with a five month old? It's not like they're having deep and fascinating discussions. While I'm sure your baby is sweet and adorable, he is only five months old!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seeing them 2x year is not unreasonable. You SHOULD stay in a hotel. That could be nonnegotiable. Your husband COULD go with the children, without you. YOU should see them, at very minimum, 1x year unless they are overseas.

"Should" according to whom? You?

She has one life. She SHOULD do whatever she and her DH decide is best for their family. If they're obnoxious then she doesn't owe them anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he feel this way about his other grandkids?

Is this via your MIL only or have you spoken to the FIL? Does your DH speak to them frequently?

I don’t think they want daily FaceTime sessions with the other grandkids(middle & high schoolers).

DH speaks to both his parents, although to MIL more often. I don’t speak to either unless I have to. I think my MIL is crazy,but don’t want my hatred of her to cloud my judgement.

To other posters, yes, I know missing a grandkid won’t make you sick. It’s a ridiculous notion. The problem is that my husband doesn’t understand this!!

He does, but he doesn't want to create a conflict. My mom is like this. She cancelled her plans many times to accommodate her mom's "heart atracks".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seeing them 2x year is not unreasonable. You SHOULD stay in a hotel. That could be nonnegotiable. Your husband COULD go with the children, without you. YOU should see them, at very minimum, 1x year unless they are overseas.

We will definitely see them once a year. I suggested staying in a hotel, but my husband says it is rude and will hurt his mon’s feelings. He insists that we stay with our in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you do is keep your distance a bit and be a support to your DH, while remaining as gentle as possible.

When DH reports this you say "Honey, you know that's not true right? Your dad is not sick because he isn't face timing with Junior every day."

And add: "If he's really truly crying every day because he can't see DS, which I doubt, but if it is true, he needs to be treated for depression. Seeing our DS more isn't going to fix that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seeing them 2x year is not unreasonable. You SHOULD stay in a hotel. That could be nonnegotiable. Your husband COULD go with the children, without you. YOU should see them, at very minimum, 1x year unless they are overseas.

We will definitely see them once a year. I suggested staying in a hotel, but my husband says it is rude and will hurt his mon’s feelings. He insists that we stay with our in laws.

Where do they live, OP? Do you have to be the ones to travel or can they travel to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you do is keep your distance a bit and be a support to your DH, while remaining as gentle as possible.

When DH reports this you say "Honey, you know that's not true right? Your dad is not sick because he isn't face timing with Junior every day."

And add: "If he's really truly crying every day because he can't see DS, which I doubt, but if it is true, he needs to be treated for depression. Seeing our DS more isn't going to fix that."

I think you both have good comments that I want to weave into my conversation with DH tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice if in laws would just disappear to another (hospitable) planet. Who the f wants to be around these people.

Chances are high that you too will become an inlaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he feel this way about his other grandkids?

Is this via your MIL only or have you spoken to the FIL? Does your DH speak to them frequently?

I don’t think they want daily FaceTime sessions with the other grandkids(middle & high schoolers).

DH speaks to both his parents, although to MIL more often. I don’t speak to either unless I have to. I think my MIL is crazy,but don’t want my hatred of her to cloud my judgement.

To other posters, yes, I know missing a grandkid won’t make you sick. It’s a ridiculous notion. The problem is that my husband doesn’t understand this!!

Can I ask what makes your kid the focus of all this attention? Were they like this when the others were little? I'd understand this if they were very old when their first grandchild was born or terminally ill, but not in this situation when there's multiple grandkids who were born when they were younger and they've been through this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you do is keep your distance a bit and be a support to your DH, while remaining as gentle as possible.

When DH reports this you say "Honey, you know that's not true right? Your dad is not sick because he isn't face timing with Junior every day."

And add: "If he's really truly crying every day because he can't see DS, which I doubt, but if it is true, he needs to be treated for depression. Seeing our DS more isn't going to fix that."

I think you both have good comments that I want to weave into my conversation with DH tonight.

NP and I agree with the PPs.

Also, as the grandchild of people who were also like this but (thankfully) to a much lesser degree, I can say it only gets worse as the child gets older. Eventually, your ILs will start guilting your child and as a kid, it's hard/impossible to really understand that "No, grandpa isn't going to die if I don't go visit him this weekend." I ended up avoiding them way more than I would have otherwise because every interaction was so painful and guilt ridden.

Eventually, my kid brain translated their statements of "I'm just so sick when I don't get to see you" into "my presence is a magical thing that protects my loved ones" which further weirdly morphed into "well if I'm so magical, what will happen to my PARENTS if I'm not around?" and then 6 year old me started believing my parents were going to die if I spent a night at anyone else's house EVER. So, yea, get this crap shut down ASAP.

[Anonymous]

What’s wrong with visiting parents more than once a year? Watch put, your future DIL may di the same thing to you if you don’t teach your son about family and priorities.