Boyfriend can't hold a job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So we're still missing why he's getting fired though. The bolded makes it seem like maybe he has no ability (or desire) to hold his tongue in situations which others would see as necessary to do so to remain professional. Like he thinks he knows more or is better than his employer. Obviously he can GET a job, so he's not a total idiot, but being fired multiple times is insane. In terms of your relationship, this would be more of a deal breaker in my eyes in the sense that he has little to no self-awareness and tends to shirk responsibility for things that are obviously within his control. That's a massive problem if you want an equal partner and a healthy relationship in which you can each own your mistakes and compromise.

Fired for cause, multiple times. He gets warnings and fails to shape up in response as far as I understand. I don't know about lack of respect for authority. He for sure lacks self awareness and insight into the problem, which I find mindboggling. He has NEVER tried to figure out why this continues to be a problem.

I had a husband like this once. He had a job when we were dating. He didn't last long as a husband. Now I have a husband who just retired from his career and already has another job. I prefer men who aren't afraid to work, because I'm certainly not afraid to.

I am mildly successful, but this is where I'm stand. I can not respect a man who does not have a career as I have worked hard for my great job and stability.

I have a friend like that - she has ADHD and just doesn't really seem to know how to reliably show up for jobs like normal people. She's flaky in her personal life too - will commit to showing up somewhere at X time and then will got totally sidetracked doing 15 other completely unnecessary things, somehow thinking she has time to do everything, and then she's 3 hours late and angry that everyone else is going home. (because they've been out for 3 hours.)

Does he have ADHD? Unless he decides to medicate and it works, this may never get better.

Yes, he does, currently unmedicated but just now got a prescription. He talks about this factor a lot as far as his jobs, but if he knows it is a problem, I don't understand why effort hasn't been made to address until now. It feels like a reaction to me being angry rather than a real effort to change.

[Anonymous]

OP, Break it off. It doesn't mean he's an unlovable person. At present, he's not a desirable partner. It's not your burden to figure out if /when that will ever change. You are allowed a preference to not have this in your life. You should expect him to move out. Since he is reliant on you, at present, it might be a nice gesture to gift him some money, a month or two to rent money, to move on.

[grace4ever]

I am sorry for what you are going through. It’s understandable the way that you feel and I think it is not easy to deal with a loved one losing his job. I’m sorry that it’s also affecting your relationship. Have you considered encouraging him to look to any type of place that offers career training (work enforcement) or have you thought of asking him to evaluate his job skills and past employment and why he is not motivated to keep his employment? Maybe he chooses jobs that he does not like and at the end it is tough for him to keep them. Perhaps another possibility is to encourage him to look to connecting with others websites. Counseling can be helpful to work through things like this. I do not know whether if you believe in God, but I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

[Anonymous]

This is my BIL.. remarkably was able to get new jobs....until middle age. You don't want to be in this situation. Please end it now.

[Anonymous]

OMG, why are some of you encouraging OP to help him?? No, just, no. OP cannot fix this. Only he can, and he has spent so long not fixing it that it probably is impossible for him to really change.

OP, take that script suggested by a PP and tell that to him ASAP. There’s no point spending any more time in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband couldn’t hold down a job. He was always getting fired. After 12 years I said enough and we are divorced. I wished I’d left earlier. Huge red flag , Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just got fired, I just found out the day of, though he knew for a few weeks. The story has come out that this is an ongoing issue, for his entire adult life. He is reactively doing things to search, but there has never been an effort to sit down and figure out why he's been unsuccessful. I can't deal. I do not want this problem to come up every year. How can you build a future with someone like this?

To boot, he lives with me and now I need to ask him to leave. I already know what DCUM is going to say, you can hit me with it anyway, especially women who have partners like this.

Yet another cautionary tale for why you don’t move in with someone until you’re engaged with a wedding date set. Good luck getting him to move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He just got fired, I just found out the day of, though he knew for a few weeks. The story has come out that this is an ongoing issue, for his entire adult life. He is reactively doing things to search, but there has never been an effort to sit down and figure out why he's been unsuccessful. I can't deal. I do not want this problem to come up every year. How can you build a future with someone like this?

To boot, he lives with me and now I need to ask him to leave. I already know what DCUM is going to say, you can hit me with it anyway, especially women who have partners like this.

Yet another cautionary tale for why you don’t move in with someone until you’re engaged with a wedding date set. Good luck getting him to move out.

Ha! If they were married, OP will have to divorce him and it’ll be much harder to get him to leave... OP will end up paying spousal support.

Not sure why you are saying that being engaged or married to this “can’t hold a job” loser will be better for OP.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is a fixer-upper. Fill out some applications for health field training, paramedic, or something like boarder patrol (they are hiring and not picky). And voila! He got a career!

[Anonymous]

I know someone who has been fired from his last two jobs and is on his way out at a third. He has zero self awareness, inefficient, and makes tons of mistakes but thinks he is above fixing them or asking questions to avoid mistakes. These same qualities make him frustrating in s relationship.

[Anonymous]

What type of job/career does he have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He just got fired, I just found out the day of, though he knew for a few weeks. The story has come out that this is an ongoing issue, for his entire adult life. He is reactively doing things to search, but there has never been an effort to sit down and figure out why he's been unsuccessful. I can't deal. I do not want this problem to come up every year. How can you build a future with someone like this?

To boot, he lives with me and now I need to ask him to leave. I already know what DCUM is going to say, you can hit me with it anyway, especially women who have partners like this.

Yet another cautionary tale for why you don’t move in with someone until you’re engaged with a wedding date set. Good luck getting him to move out.

Ha! If they were married, OP will have to divorce him and it’ll be much harder to get him to leave... OP will end up paying spousal support.

Not sure why you are saying that being engaged or married to this “can’t hold a job” loser will be better for OP.

Because when you move in with someone before you know them well enough, and are confident enough in them, to get engaged, these are the risks you run. Now OP has to figure out how to untangle their combined lives and get him to move out.

[Anonymous]

Dump. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just got fired, I just found out the day of, though he knew for a few weeks. The story has come out that this is an ongoing issue, for his entire adult life. He is reactively doing things to search, but there has never been an effort to sit down and figure out why he's been unsuccessful. I can't deal. I do not want this problem to come up every year. How can you build a future with someone like this?

To boot, he lives with me and now I need to ask him to leave. I already know what DCUM is going to say, you can hit me with it anyway, especially women who have partners like this.

Why are you attracted to a man who behaves like this?

[Anonymous]

Run, don’t walk. You don’t want to take a mortgage and start a family with this guy. I’d only stay if he takes full responsibility and shows signs he wants to change. And even then I wouldn’t marry him until he has a work track record of several years.

The only person I know who has been fired 3-4 times is extremely un-selfaware and always blames her bosses. Can you believe, her boss had the nerve to criticize the pie chart she did that exceeded 100% (how do you even make Excel do that?) and how she always left her dirty dishes in the office sink, what a jerk for even mentioning that! She’s been fired from two managerial-level jobs since then, after 1 yr and 6 months respectively. This is a person with two masters degrees from great schools—they come in all shapes and sizes. Her husband is beside himself, their daughter is going to college soon, and they have very little college savings. Don’t be her husband.