When would you/did you confront SO about cheating? The aftermath if you’re wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not confront until you have 100% solid evidence. If it's just a suspicion the cheater will always lie and spin things.

And even when you do have the evidence, don't tell your partner that. Present enough information to see if they come clean because they most likely will not and the way they spin their story will tell you a lot about them.

Confronting a cheater before you are sure it's true only gives them a chance to get better at covering things up. They won't be shamed into stopping, they will just be prompted to try harder at the deception.

And you don't need to become a super sleuth to find things, you need patience. Evidence will always reveal itself. But I get it, patience is super hard too.

Read every word of this. It is so true. I lived this and made the mistake of being impatient.

I agree with being patient and gathering clear and complete evidence before confronting. If you have incomplete evidence, or even 99% complete, there’s a good chance SO will try to lie and spin way out of it. That will leave you even more hurt and confused.

But where I disagree is that I think that when you have all the evidence, you should put it all on the table at once and say “I know you did it, now let’s talk.” If you dribble out the info you have, your SO will lie and spin and try to dodge. People are weak and they don’t like to admit they’ve done bad things, so they almost always lie. Yes, you’ll get the moral satisfaction of watching your SO twist and look like a fool, but your trust in SO will be even more destroyed, because SO will repeatedly lie to your face. I dribbled out the info I had (still haven’t released all I have, in fact) and having SO lie to my face for 7-10 days was horrible. I don’t know if I’ll ever really trust again. The destruction of trust is probably more painful than the affair itself. It has made our efforts at reconciliation very hard.

I guess you need to decide if you want to try to reconcile after you gather all the evidence. If so, I’d recommend putting it all out at once and leave no room for lies. If not, then dribble it out to see how truly duplicitous the person is. Good luck.

I actually think that the point of dribbling it out is as you describe -- if their reaction to hearing the part of the story you know is to lie and contradict the part of the story you know but they don't know you know, well, then, you have an answer early and upfront about whether reconciliation is possible. It won't be.

If their reaction to your dribble of what you know is to take the opportunity to come clean remorsefully and start to make amends and build trust through honesty, then there is hope of reconciliation.

Unfortunately, the chances of the latter happening are almost infinitesimal. But, the benefit of the dribble, is you will have a clear answer about reconciliation early enough to make good decisions about leaving and rebuilding your life instead of wasting years of trying to rebuild trust and engaging in a cycle of dishonesty, being caught and being remorseful. That is an abusive cycle and if you stay and participate in it, you are doing great harm to yourself.

This was my situation exactly. The only truth I got from him was what he knew I already knew. He looked right at me and told me things that I knew to be lies.

Trust is impossible that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why on earth are you with him? Has he given you an STD yet?

It would take an essay to explain it all and you still would think I'm crazy.

And nope, healthy as can be, thanks for your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I actually think that the point of dribbling it out is as you describe -- if their reaction to hearing the part of the story you know is to lie and contradict the part of the story you know but they don't know you know, well, then, you have an answer early and upfront about whether reconciliation is possible. It won't be.

If their reaction to your dribble of what you know is to take the opportunity to come clean remorsefully and start to make amends and build trust through honesty, then there is hope of reconciliation.

Unfortunately, the chances of the latter happening are almost infinitesimal. But, the benefit of the dribble, is you will have a clear answer about reconciliation early enough to make good decisions about leaving and rebuilding your life instead of wasting years of trying to rebuild trust and engaging in a cycle of dishonesty, being caught and being remorseful. That is an abusive cycle and if you stay and participate in it, you are doing great harm to yourself.

Yup, I'm the PP who suggested not revealing things you know all at once and I think you see why I think that is important. If you tell your SO everything you know before he admits to things, 9/10 he will only ever admit to the things you already know. Sometimes a cheater may even think you are talking about X when really you know about Y, so when they tell you about the X you had no idea about it can also make the scope of things instantly clear.

I'm not saying you have to drag things out over weeks, you can reveal everything within the same conversation, just not until the cheater says his piece. What he says and how he says it can make all the difference in how you end up feeling about the situation.

The other thing I suggest is if you're not ending things right away, don't explain the how part of how you got the information either. Like my SO had zero idea I could look up his phone bill online and see a record of every text he sends and receives with a time stamp. You may need to use the how part again the next time doubt creeps up and it will save you some sanity to know you still have that in your arsenal.

[Anonymous]

I sure wish I had seen this two years ago. I did so many things wrong.... Confronted without full proof (only 99 percent..), tipped my hand in terms of evidence gathering in my anger, etc. That only led to more lies, gaslighting and an attempt to take it more underground. In the end caught again because cheaters cheat.

[Anonymous]

Say I get access to SO phone bill and all the texts are to friends (none of whom I’m worried about). Is it possible that all the text was is a “want to get away from my family” text, and that sentiment is why SO is distant? Which I realize isn’t great either. But it’s definitely a different conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say I get access to SO phone bill and all the texts are to friends (none of whom I’m worried about). Is it possible that all the text was is a “want to get away from my family” text, and that sentiment is why SO is distant? Which I realize isn’t great either. But it’s definitely a different conversation.

I don't know that you can actually get access to the messages, just to the numbers called. I think you'd need some sort of court order to get the actual message content, but I could be wrong.

A keylogger on a computer can give you a record of exact messages typed. But again, if that is the world you are living in, it's time to reassess...

[Anonymous]

Nobody likes this answer but it seems simple enough.. check the phone records. FWIW once you've crossed that line into doubt, it's over, anyways.

[Anonymous]

OP. How much is 100%? I just don’t know if I can wait for months to slowly amass info. If I have the weird text, find condoms & see a weird number. Is that enough?

SO still & consistently since we met, talks about a big trip we’ll take in a few years when the kids are old enough, and our retirement (decades away but has always been our fav topic)

F. I can’t believe it.... but I think it’s time I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. How much is 100%? I just don’t know if I can wait for months to slowly amass info. If I have the weird text, find condoms & see a weird number. Is that enough?

SO still & consistently since we met, talks about a big trip we’ll take in a few years when the kids are old enough, and our retirement (decades away but has always been our fav topic)

F. I can’t believe it.... but I think it’s time I do.

You'll just know. But if distance is a concern, ask him to go to counseling with you. Say you'd like to refresh your connection, get past whatever disconnect is going on. If he resists, that's a red flag. If he goes with you, it's more likely the truth will come out.

[Anonymous]

If you absolutely need to know hire an investigator. Get your answers and then decide what to do. If you decide to confront your spouse about the cheating, don't tell them how you know. How they handle you should help you determine whether or not you stay and try to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually think that the point of dribbling it out is as you describe -- if their reaction to hearing the part of the story you know is to lie and contradict the part of the story you know but they don't know you know, well, then, you have an answer early and upfront about whether reconciliation is possible. It won't be.

If their reaction to your dribble of what you know is to take the opportunity to come clean remorsefully and start to make amends and build trust through honesty, then there is hope of reconciliation.

Unfortunately, the chances of the latter happening are almost infinitesimal. But, the benefit of the dribble, is you will have a clear answer about reconciliation early enough to make good decisions about leaving and rebuilding your life instead of wasting years of trying to rebuild trust and engaging in a cycle of dishonesty, being caught and being remorseful. That is an abusive cycle and if you stay and participate in it, you are doing great harm to yourself.

Yup, I'm the PP who suggested not revealing things you know all at once and I think you see why I think that is important. If you tell your SO everything you know before he admits to things, 9/10 he will only ever admit to the things you already know. Sometimes a cheater may even think you are talking about X when really you know about Y, so when they tell you about the X you had no idea about it can also make the scope of things instantly clear.

I'm not saying you have to drag things out over weeks, you can reveal everything within the same conversation, just not until the cheater says his piece. What he says and how he says it can make all the difference in how you end up feeling about the situation.

The other thing I suggest is if you're not ending things right away, don't explain the how part of how you got the information either. Like my SO had zero idea I could look up his phone bill online and see a record of every text he sends and receives with a time stamp. You may need to use the how part again the next time doubt creeps up and it will save you some sanity to know you still have that in your arsenal.

100% agree with this. I'm so sorry OP, it doesn't look good, but there is a chance your spouse could stop and recommit themselves to the marriage. But that chance is better if you don't let the affair linger for too long. You don't want them to grow more and more attached to the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. How much is 100%? I just don’t know if I can wait for months to slowly amass info. If I have the weird text, find condoms & see a weird number. Is that enough?

SO still & consistently since we met, talks about a big trip we’ll take in a few years when the kids are old enough, and our retirement (decades away but has always been our fav topic)

F. I can’t believe it.... but I think it’s time I do.

Sorry.

The weird number repeatedly is a good indication, not just a few times. The weird number at days and times when he told you he was doing specific that doesn't jive with being able to text constantly. Like does he tell you that he's too busy to talk during the day at work but his phone bill shows he can text someone (not a co-worker) 100 times a day while working?

But I'm also a digger. If I saw a weird number I wouldn't settle just knowing that. I'd found out who it belongs to, then how my SO would know that person and so forth. But I'm the type who HAS to know all the details or I will think about it constantly. That's not exactly super healthy on my part either.

Condoms seem like a definite indicator if you don't use them in your relationship but my cheating SO would find a way to explain those away too. Like oh Bobby down the street was embarrassed to buy them and asked me to help him. It's a gag gift for Tom at work. I read a great article about how condoms can be used for XYZ and wanted to try! I know BC can be less effective when you're on X medication so I bought them the last time you were sick and forgot about them. I could go on for days... this will sound psycho, but count the condoms.

I think the issue of evidence depends a lot on the type of person you are. Do the details matter in terms of your choice to stay with him, or is any infidelity a deal breaker for you? Will it torment you more to know more or are you more at peace staying uninformed of the specifics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always great to see how people assume the cheating spouse is male. OP made no mention of that.

People are assuming that based on the writing style. It absolutely (almost unquestionably) reads like it was written by a womab

Yes, but about her lesbian lover

[Anonymous]

Do not confront or ask. Your SO will just triple-D and be a lot more careful in the future. I know you don't want to snoop but I've been there and I had no such qualms. It was the ONLY way I was going to learn the truth and she continued to lie even after I confronted her with solid evidence. Cheaters lie. It's not just what they do, it's who they are. Chronic liars.

One your SO broke your trust, they do not deserve their privacy from your prying eyes and you deserve to know the truth. You won't get it from your SO and the sooner you know, the better. So play it cool with SO, don't question anything, in fact be nice and accommodating about SOs needs for more time at work or whatever BS you are being fed. But start researching everything you can, starting with your so's phone bill. Especially if you can access it online.

If you get a phone number, google it but also put it in the Facebook search and see what comes up. That should give you a good starting point.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Trust your gut here.

As others have said, above all, do not disclose what you know or how you know it. You'll end up in the worst mindf*ck of your life, questioning your very sanity. This and the loss of trust are the toughest parts about dealing with cheaters.