Reply to When would you/did you confront SO about cheating? The aftermath if you’re wrong?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I actually think that the point of dribbling it out is as you describe -- if their reaction to hearing the part of the story you know is to lie and contradict the part of the story you know but they don't know you know, well, then, you have an answer early and upfront about whether reconciliation is possible.  It won't be.

If their reaction to your dribble of what you know is to take the opportunity to come clean remorsefully and start to make amends and build trust through honesty, then there is hope of reconciliation.

Unfortunately, the chances of the latter happening are almost infinitesimal.  But, the benefit of the dribble, is you will have a clear answer about reconciliation early enough to make good decisions about leaving and rebuilding your life instead of wasting years of trying to rebuild trust and engaging in a cycle of dishonesty, being caught and being remorseful.  That is an abusive cycle and if you stay and participate in it, you are doing great harm to yourself.  [/quote]

Yup, I'm the PP who suggested not revealing things you know all at once and I think you see why I think that is important.  If you tell your SO everything you know before he admits to things, 9/10 he will only ever admit to the things you already know.   Sometimes a cheater may even think you are talking about X when really you know about Y, so when they tell you about the X you had no idea about it can also make the scope of things instantly clear.

I'm not saying you have to drag things out over weeks, you can reveal everything within the same conversation, just not until the cheater says his piece.  What he says and how he says it can make all the difference in how you end up feeling about the situation.

[b]The other thing I suggest is if you're not ending things right away, don't explain the [i]how[/i] part of how you got the information either.  Like my SO had zero idea I could look up his phone bill online and see a record of every text he sends and receives with a time stamp.  You may need to use the how part again the next time doubt creeps up and it will save you some sanity to know you still have that in your arsenal[/b]. [/quote]
100% agree with this. I'm so sorry OP, it doesn't look good, but there is a chance your spouse could stop and recommit themselves to the marriage. But that chance is better if you don't let the affair linger for too long. You don't want them to grow more and more attached to the AP.[/quote]

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