If a parent has always complained to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

So, in your limited experience being age 0-18 while at home, was your father lazy and inconsiderate?
And is your "aloof" brother the same way?

I would stop babying my brother to communicate with the family, let him go. She needs to as well.
If she now has cancer and is going through chemotherapy I hope she has a good friend or family member driving her to that each day. That is what my father did for my mother (BTW, my father is the opposite of lazy or inconsiderate, and I can give you 42 years of examples). I would do that for one of my parents if I was local or could be local during that month of treatment. A positive attitude and sense of being cared for during times of sickness can really make a difference. Good luck and god bless.

what's the cancer chemo twist here OP? that usually makes one's priorities crystal clear.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. To clear up a few things:

- My dad was never a lazy or inconsiderate partner. It was my mom's projection and narrative, and it was wrong. She now acknowledges as much.
- It pains me when people say that he must have done wrong to deserve her wrath. No, it's not true. My mom is the one who has problems and who refuses to see a therapist.
- I'm finally realizing that she's done a lot of disservice to our family, even though her narrative has always been that she sacrificed everything for us. Frankly I don't like her very much.
- I can't disengage now that she's facing cancer and really needs me. I'm questioning the value of telling her to stop doing what she's been doing.
- Yes I know I need therapy for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

OP - I deal with it very poorly.

It is having a seriously negative effect on my relationship with my mom, who isn't even married to my dad anymore.

I'm sorry she is ill. I'd just suck up as best I could during chemo, because it makes the whole world look ugly. That said, cancer is a terrible thing, but it doesn't mean life is over or that you get a free pass on all behaviors. Tread lightly, redirect, whatever, but you don't have to be a good listener.

[Anonymous]

I have successfully moved past this, after some childhood years of ganging up with her against my father, because she was so vicious about him.

I realized mid-way through adolescence that he really wasn't the kind of person she was painting him to be, and then realized all the other people she had been criticizing were decent folk too, and then when I got married and had kids, she turned on me and started spreading rumors behind my back.

My mother simply wants to be the center of attention.

I call her out when she goes overboard now, and she tones it down for a little while, until the next cycle starts. It's much better than in the past, either because she's old and tired, or because she's realized I see right through her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. To clear up a few things:

- My dad was never a lazy or inconsiderate partner. It was my mom's projection and narrative, and it was wrong. She now acknowledges as much.
- It pains me when people say that he must have done wrong to deserve her wrath. No, it's not true. My mom is the one who has problems and who refuses to see a therapist.
- I'm finally realizing that she's done a lot of disservice to our family, even though her narrative has always been that she sacrificed everything for us. Frankly I don't like her very much.
- I can't disengage now that she's facing cancer and really needs me. I'm questioning the value of telling her to stop doing what she's been doing.
- Yes I know I need therapy for myself.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I agree with 14:22. You are disengaging with the complaints about your loved ones. Meaning, don't feed the beast. She complains about your brother, you say, "Uh, huh. Or mom, you should call him." You don't get involved or comment on substance or even believe the substance, as it sounds like you did for your dad.

if she needs you because of her cancer, you can be there and involved. You are just not fueling the flames about complaints about your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother probably stopped calling her because he was tired of listening to her complain. Possibly about you.

She sounds toxic. Tell her you don't want to hear it, and if she keeps it up you'll stop calling her too. Then stick with it.

+1

[Anonymous]

My mom always complains about me to everyone. She accidentally sent an email meant for my sister to me about me. Needless to say I wished her the best and barely have a relationship now. She claims she didn't mean it but I've known for years she's been doing it. She doesn't see any harm or wrong in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many women of every generation who put up with dumps of husbands, who liked to try to impress everyone but their own wives. Picking up after an adult male for 10, 20, 30, 40 years is not most people's cup of tea. It builds real resentment, which lashes out in all sorts of ways.

This is really not helpful.

But it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many women of every generation who put up with dumps of husbands, who liked to try to impress everyone but their own wives. Picking up after an adult male for 10, 20, 30, 40 years is not most people's cup of tea. It builds real resentment, which lashes out in all sorts of ways.

This is really not helpful.

But it’s true.

It might be true for others, but not in this case, as clarified by OP. And insisting that it's true in a thread about how to cope as the beleaguered adult child is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

I have a question, is OP married? Hope she doesn't marry a deadweight like her mother did.

[Anonymous]

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death....

...too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists)...

...Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board...

...Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. ...

...Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me.... He doesn't care about me at all." ...


**
there's more going on here but to OP's real question feeling that her mom is dependent on her and talking to her too much:
Act like an adult daughter.
Talk once a week, listen, nod, give light advice.
Don't do anything for her that she cannot do herself.

Since no one is handicapped or disabled, everyone can act like an adult. I won't comment on what kind of marriage the lady had, no one really can, including OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many women of every generation who put up with dumps of husbands, who liked to try to impress everyone but their own wives. Picking up after an adult male for 10, 20, 30, 40 years is not most people's cup of tea. It builds real resentment, which lashes out in all sorts of ways.

This is really not helpful.

NP here. It is not very helpful, but there is some truth to it. OP, gently change the subject or act like you didn't hear her and start on another topic. Some of the PPs are helpful, and some are just hurtful and rude, a position I wouldn't take with many people, least of all your mother. That is, unless she really doesn't listen, ever. She is very hurt about something, but it is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many women of every generation who put up with dumps of husbands, who liked to try to impress everyone but their own wives. Picking up after an adult male for 10, 20, 30, 40 years is not most people's cup of tea. It builds real resentment, which lashes out in all sorts of ways.

This is really not helpful.

NP here. It is not very helpful, but there is some truth to it. OP, gently change the subject or act like you didn't hear her and start on another topic. Some of the PPs are helpful, and some are just hurtful and rude, a position I wouldn't take with many people, least of all your mother. That is, unless she really doesn't listen, ever. She is very hurt about something, but it is not your problem.

To add, your dad might have been a great dad, but a terrible husband, which is fine, it happens. But give short answers and/or change the subject, don't welcome that behavior. Your mom can go to her girlfriends with her complaints.

[Anonymous]

I find some satisfaction with suggestions f a change of ownership of the problems.

Mom: “Your brother never calls me.”
Me: “Is your dialing finger broken?”

Mom: “Your dad was terrible to me in so many ways.”
Me: “I was a kid back then. It wasn’t my job to watch or police his marital skills. It sounds like something you should have discussed with him at the time.”

Mom: “So-and-so said this rude thing to me 10 years ago.”
Me: “Undortunately, my time machine is in the shop. I’ll be happy to help you out with that when it’s up and running.”

[Anonymous]

This sounds like an example of where the mom and dad should have gotten divorced. Instead she "stuck it out for the kids" and ended up as a broken complainer with kids who are the same as both Ma and Pa.