If a parent has always complained to you

[Anonymous]

about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

[Anonymous]

My mother does the same thing. I have found that I can curtail it some like this.

Mom, "You know what your dad did/said/reacted when I asked him if he. . . blah blah?"

Me, "Is it something different than he has said/done in the last 50 years you've been married? No, so don't know why you expect anything else."

[Anonymous]

My dad is the same way. He did become dependent on me, too. Over time I’ve distanced myself and now we talk maybe once every 10 days or so. When he complains I just give vague responses (“oh...that sucks”) and get off the phone shortly thereafter. My plate is too full for his BS now. He seems to sort of get it, but he’s a complainer by nature so he has a hard time talking about anything else besides himself and all his problems.

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this about my FIL. What you have to do is just say “I’m not able to discuss your problems with [insert loved ones name] with you.” Then change the subject. When you listen to her and when you nag your brother and he gives in she is getting positive reinforcement for this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

A) sounds like she had a krappy husband and life partner.
B) sounds like normal stuff to complain your son isn't calling you enough. Have them set up a call every other week and stick to it. BFD.
C) generally sounds like she needs more female friends, of her own age. Find some social outlets for this. Everyone needs a few.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I'm tired of being your go-to mental health person. If you're this upset about your relationship with your son, please speak with a therapist about it. I can't be the person you vent to about the people I love."

And then end the conversation, and that's the harder part--hang up or walk away if you have to, but don't listen to her argue about therapists, etc.

"I have faith that you can find a therapist to talk with, Mom. I will even help you find one, but i won't listen to you complain about my brother."

[Anonymous]

Your brother probably stopped calling her because he was tired of listening to her complain. Possibly about you.

She sounds toxic. Tell her you don't want to hear it, and if she keeps it up you'll stop calling her too. Then stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

A) sounds like she had a krappy husband and life partner.
B) sounds like normal stuff to complain your son isn't calling you enough. Have them set up a call every other week and stick to it. BFD.
C) generally sounds like she needs more female friends, of her own age. Find some social outlets for this. Everyone needs a few.

A) she sounds like the krappy partner. We don't know anything about her husband to pass judgement.
B) why on earth should OP be in charge of managing her brother's relationship with their mom?
C) possibly, yes, but she'll never be able to make or keep friends if she complains all the time. Nobody wants to be around that.

Mom needs to fix her attitude before anyone will want to spend time with her. OP can make suggestions but there is no magic wand if mom doesn't want to change. Protect yourself from the negativity, don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

A) sounds like she had a krappy husband and life partner.
B) sounds like normal stuff to complain your son isn't calling you enough. Have them set up a call every other week and stick to it. BFD.
C) generally sounds like she needs more female friends, of her own age. Find some social outlets for this. Everyone needs a few.

OP here.

A) no she didn't! That's what's so heinous about what she did. My dad was a decent husband with normal flaws. He was good to her. And he never, ever complained about her behind her back (and God knows he had plenty to complain about). She's a controlling perfectionist martyr and she liked to chew out anyone who doesn't do things up to her standards. So she does everything herself and then complain bitterly about my dad, who she'd pushed aside. Growing up I used to side with her, then I realized how a lot of her complaints were self-imposed and she really did a disservice to him and to our perception of him. It's about one of the worst parenting sins, bad mouthing one parent to the kids and turn them against that parent. Only after he passed did she express regrets and say how it's all really petty stuff that she blew out of proportion.

I just hate how she did that to me.

[Anonymous]

I know way too many women of every generation who put up with dumps of husbands, who liked to try to impress everyone but their own wives. Picking up after an adult male for 10, 20, 30, 40 years is not most people's cup of tea. It builds real resentment, which lashes out in all sorts of ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know way too many women of every generation who put up with dumps of husbands, who liked to try to impress everyone but their own wives. Picking up after an adult male for 10, 20, 30, 40 years is not most people's cup of tea. It builds real resentment, which lashes out in all sorts of ways.

This is really not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Stop fixing it for her. Just say "uh huh" or "interesting" or "huh" or "hmm". That's it. Let her rant, let it roll off your back.

Do not hang up, call your brother and tell him to call your mom. That is feeding the cycle.

Then you make it a game. See how many times she can accuse your brother of the same things. Make a mental bingo board and internally yell "BINGO" when she hits 5 Commonly Used Phrases.

Find a therapist for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

So, in your limited experience being age 0-18 while at home, was your father lazy and inconsiderate?
And is your "aloof" brother the same way?

I would stop babying my brother to communicate with the family, let him go. She needs to as well.
If she now has cancer and is going through chemotherapy I hope she has a good friend or family member driving her to that each day. That is what my father did for my mother (BTW, my father is the opposite of lazy or inconsiderate, and I can give you 42 years of examples). I would do that for one of my parents if I was local or could be local during that month of treatment. A positive attitude and sense of being cared for during times of sickness can really make a difference. Good luck and god bless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:about another family member, how do you deal with it?

My mom is a monumental martyr and had always complained to me about my dad, usually about how lazy or inconsiderate he was. It went on for years, right until his death. When I tell her no, I don't want to hear it, or get in the middle of her and dad, she'd whine about how she has no one to talk to and she needed the outlet. Suggestions of friends or therapists were soundly rebuffed (too shameful to let friends know and doesn't believe in therapists). Seeing how haggard she got running the household I felt guilty for completely refusing to be her sound board.

The downside, of course, is that she bent my ear to her side of the story and biased me in some regards against my dad. I got really resentful after he passed that she did a job on me and my perception of him. It took me a while to work through it and recognize it for what it really was.

Lately she's been complaining about my brother, who lives across the country from us and who can be aloof at times. She can get really angry during some of her rants. I let her vent to me b/c I thought it's good for her mental health. Her complaints are the usual "He's never calling me. So-and-so is always calling his mother but not my son. He doesn't care about me at all." I usually try to deflect for him and defuse her anger. Then I tell my brother to please call her and he does.

I am truly tired of being her default mental health go-to person. I'm tired of having to manage her relationships. I feel sorry for her but know that she will not change. I've finally came to the realization that she's been using me all these years, knowing that I'd advocate for her and get the results she wanted. Distancing myself from her is not an option b/c she's pretty much dependent on me now.

What would you do?

Would the answer be different if I added that she's undergoing chemo?

Sounds like a loveless marriage that should have ended decades ago so you and your brother wouldn't have to deal with this all and had better role models or no role models. No marriage or communication role models are better than bad ones.

[Anonymous]

ease her away from complaining to you