Used gear as shower gift - tacky?

[Anonymous]

My first thought was "How would you feel if someone gave you a used item at your baby shower?" I, too, agree that we should all share/donate our stuff when we are done with it, but not at the shower.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the person. I would not have minded at all getting used stuff, but some people are very very anti-used baby stuff. And the point of the shower is for "new stuff". So I would do this if i were you, ask the person if they would like your used "whatever". Definetly ask, because it is possible they have their heart set on a new, latest model of the item. If they say yes, give it to them outside of the shower (you can even bring it, but not as a gift) and then buy the person something small as a gift. They will understand why it is small.

[Anonymous]

NOT ONE of our friends or family offered anything they had used between *all* of their children for our babies. We were hurt and confused. Perhaps we were also too nice, as we had done so much for so many in the past. It would have meant SO much for us to have been given gently used gear.

I really like the suggestion of giving a new outfit and saying "I have x, y and z", you can look at it today (so she knows you are serious) and tell me if you would like it.

She is so, so fortunate to have a kind and generous friend as you. I thank you for her!

[Anonymous]

Know your expectant mom. I invited a few friends to my shower on the condition that they only give me used stuff; for sentimental and frugal reasons. I got some way expensive but used items I wouldn't have received otherwise. I also told my hostesses and others I wanted used items and picked my nursery theme to tie in with other recent births'.

[Anonymous]

It's completely tacky to give the used gift as your present to be opened at the shower. You need to bring something new however big or small to the shower.

It's a completely different story to mention that you have X item that was barely used and ask if they want/need it.

[Anonymous]

"I would give the used item apart from a shower gift. Give the new thing, even if it's small. Then separate from the whole pretense of the shower, ask if she wants the used item. "

agree. Passing used itmes off as shower gifts is tacky. Giving a small new gift (a few books; some onesies) and then offering to give her your swing/high chair/whatever if she could use one at a later point in the shower - very nice. People also have different Ideas about what's OK to reuse. Someone offered us a used car seat (no way) and a used crib for which there were no directions and they couldn't be positive it had all the hardwear (no thanks). We did get a hand me down high chair though (yippee!).l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd bring the new and old gift during the shower. But I would only present the new one during the actual event. After all the gift were opened, at some point befor ethe shower ended, I would ask her if she had xxx. If she didn't I'd offer my used one and then be able to run right out to the car and give it to her. I adored getting hand-me-downs for my kids, but I don't think a shower is the place to give them.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the friend. I actually encouraged people to give 2nd hand stuff to me for our baby shower. Esp for our 2nd kid, people took me up on it. I was thrilled. Requiring that people give new stuff, especially when we all know how much crap there is in the baby gear market, is ridiculous. Hear hear to the PP who commented that she got really valuable stuff 2ndhand from her friends. I am lucky enough to have a circle of friends who almost manically pass stuff down amongst each other (maternity clothes, baby gear, kids clothes) and I woudn't have it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What ever happened to "it's the thought that counts"? If it is a gift given thoughtfully, why would anyone complain? Tacky is thinking that "only new will do" and that used (but thoughtfully given) isn't a sufficient expression of your affection.

Maybe I'm foolish and simple minded, but if I received a gently used and thoughtfully given gift at a shower, I would be appreciative of the giver's kindness and effort.

The whole point is that giving a used item as a gift doesn't appear thoughtful (no matter how thoughtful the OP is being, that will not be the general perception among most people.) In what way will this used item be "thoughtfully given?" I don't understand what you mean by that phrase in this context.

A new gift, even a small one, says "I went and picked this out, just for your new baby" or even "I selected something from your registry and went to the time & expense of buying/ordering it for you." A used item says "I found this in my garage; I'm done with it so I hope you can use it."

I am all in favor of reusing & recycling and have passed on a TON of my baby stuff to folks who really appreciated getting it, but I would not give a used item as my only shower gift at a baby shower.

How depressing. So your world view is "thoughtful = spent money"? I am so glad I am me, not you (or anyone else who feels that way). I think my life is richer for it, as I value my friends not by their cash outlay, but by their intentions. So if a friend gave me a gently used baby bath, rubber ducky, infant towels, and a note describing how wonderful and fun baby baths can be, I would think that it was a lovely gift. I can't even begin to imagine thinking someone was not thoughtful because they didn't pull cash out of their wallet on my behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The whole point is that giving a used item as a gift doesn't appear thoughtful (no matter how thoughtful the OP is being, that will not be the general perception among most people.)

How depressing. So your world view is "thoughtful = spent money"? I am so glad I am me, not you (or anyone else who feels that way). I think my life is richer for it, as I value my friends not by their cash outlay, but by their intentions. So if a friend gave me a gently used baby bath, rubber ducky, infant towels, and a note describing how wonderful and fun baby baths can be, I would think that it was a lovely gift. I can't even begin to imagine thinking someone was not thoughtful because they didn't pull cash out of their wallet on my behalf.

Give the pp a break. She said that the idea that used items aren't thoughtful is "the general perception among most people," not of herself.

I'm a pp who said not to present something used at the shower. I, and others, are responding to the fact that general practice is to give new gifts at events such as baby showers (and many other events), while hand-me-downs go through a separate procedure of giving. I'm sure an anthropologist could help explain our American gift-giving rules, even if I lack the language. I'm all for changing the norms--I certainly get some used items to give my own children for gifts--but I think there's no point in making a radical change to any individual traditional event such as a baby shower, which is infused with meaning, unless the person so honored wants to change the tradition. I'd love to hear from a baby shower host (or from the parents-to-be) that hand-me-downs are welcome or even preferred. Or if the shower was for my best friend, perhaps I'd use the opportunity to give her a used item that I know she really wanted, just like I'd welcome a "used" wedding present of a family heirloom. Beyond those kinds of specific situations, I'll stick to the current gift-giving practices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The whole point is that giving a used item as a gift doesn't appear thoughtful (no matter how thoughtful the OP is being, that will not be the general perception among most people.)

How depressing. So your world view is "thoughtful = spent money"? I am so glad I am me, not you (or anyone else who feels that way). I think my life is richer for it, as I value my friends not by their cash outlay, but by their intentions. So if a friend gave me a gently used baby bath, rubber ducky, infant towels, and a note describing how wonderful and fun baby baths can be, I would think that it was a lovely gift. I can't even begin to imagine thinking someone was not thoughtful because they didn't pull cash out of their wallet on my behalf.

Give the pp a break. She said that the idea that used items aren't thoughtful is "the general perception among most people," not of herself.

I'm a pp who said not to present something used at the shower. I, and others, are responding to the fact that general practice is to give new gifts at events such as baby showers (and many other events), while hand-me-downs go through a separate procedure of giving. I'm sure an anthropologist could help explain our American gift-giving rules, even if I lack the language. I'm all for changing the norms--I certainly get some used items to give my own children for gifts--but I think there's no point in making a radical change to any individual traditional event such as a baby shower, which is infused with meaning, unless the person so honored wants to change the tradition. I'd love to hear from a baby shower host (or from the parents-to-be) that hand-me-downs are welcome or even preferred. Or if the shower was for my best friend, perhaps I'd use the opportunity to give her a used item that I know she really wanted, just like I'd welcome a "used" wedding present of a family heirloom. Beyond those kinds of specific situations, I'll stick to the current gift-giving practices.

I think this illustrates a difference of opinions on baby showers for second, third, etc. children as well - my guess is that the "gifts must be new and demonstrate money was spent!" crowd views showers as a gift grab, and complain extensively if someone has a shower for a second child ("how dare she have ANOTHER SHOWER! how greedy! how tacky!"). In my little corner of the world, baby showers are not about extracting the maximum number of shiny new gifts, but celebrating the upcoming arrival of a child (even second or third babies are considered worth celebrating!). I am so disgusted by the notion that being excited about someone's child must be demonstrated by a financial outlay, or what...you really don't care, and are not thoughtful, just because you didn't drop some cash at Babies R Us?

[Anonymous]

Yes, its tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The whole point is that giving a used item as a gift doesn't appear thoughtful (no matter how thoughtful the OP is being, that will not be the general perception among most people.)

How depressing. So your world view is "thoughtful = spent money"? I am so glad I am me, not you (or anyone else who feels that way). I think my life is richer for it, as I value my friends not by their cash outlay, but by their intentions. So if a friend gave me a gently used baby bath, rubber ducky, infant towels, and a note describing how wonderful and fun baby baths can be, I would think that it was a lovely gift. I can't even begin to imagine thinking someone was not thoughtful because they didn't pull cash out of their wallet on my behalf.

Give the pp a break. She said that the idea that used items aren't thoughtful is "the general perception among most people," not of herself.

I'm a pp who said not to present something used at the shower. I, and others, are responding to the fact that general practice is to give new gifts at events such as baby showers (and many other events), while hand-me-downs go through a separate procedure of giving. I'm sure an anthropologist could help explain our American gift-giving rules, even if I lack the language. I'm all for changing the norms--I certainly get some used items to give my own children for gifts--but I think there's no point in making a radical change to any individual traditional event such as a baby shower, which is infused with meaning, unless the person so honored wants to change the tradition. I'd love to hear from a baby shower host (or from the parents-to-be) that hand-me-downs are welcome or even preferred. Or if the shower was for my best friend, perhaps I'd use the opportunity to give her a used item that I know she really wanted, just like I'd welcome a "used" wedding present of a family heirloom. Beyond those kinds of specific situations, I'll stick to the current gift-giving practices.

I think this illustrates a difference of opinions on baby showers for second, third, etc. children as well - my guess is that the "gifts must be new and demonstrate money was spent!" crowd views showers as a gift grab, and complain extensively if someone has a shower for a second child ("how dare she have ANOTHER SHOWER! how greedy! how tacky!"). In my little corner of the world, baby showers are not about extracting the maximum number of shiny new gifts, but celebrating the upcoming arrival of a child (even second or third babies are considered worth celebrating!). I am so disgusted by the notion that being excited about someone's child must be demonstrated by a financial outlay, or what...you really don't care, and are not thoughtful, just because you didn't drop some cash at Babies R Us?

To the pp who is so disgusted about the idea that shower gifts should be new, have you given hand-me-downs during a shower? Received them at a shower without being asked in advance? I'm curious because you refer to "your corner of the world" as if it's quite different from mine, wherein I've not seen people using hand-me-downs as shower gifts. If it's a regular occurrence among your friends, then, no, it's not tacky for that group.

Also, I'm the poster you just quoted, and I have no problems celebrating subsequent children with additional baby showers.

[Anonymous]

Anybody would give (very lightly) used gear as a birthday gift? It doesn't even look used, but it's not in a box, so they will know.