Grandparents fight around kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are uncomfortable, for whatever reason, don't send them there. Do not get in their business and sit them down and tell them not to fight - first, it's not your place, and second, it's not like they want to be fighting anyway. Just cool it on the visits; try again later.

And give no explainations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave my kids with them. Perhaps I'm overprotective and over sensitive but I dont want in situations where adults are making them uncomfortable like that, especially overnight. My parents argued, including a lot of heated arguments with yelling, mean things said, door slamming, etc a lot when I was growing up. It made me anxious, uncomfortable, I worried constantly they'd get divorced and that the arguing would turn physical. It was scarring. My brothers and I are all quite anxious as adults and I do think it's in part because of our parents' arguing and my dad raising his voice often, being overly critical of my mom and if us. I felt like i was always waiting for the next fight to happen, always on edge. Now in my own marriage we don't argue like that ever and if I feel myself being too critical or raising my voice I try to quickly stop myself. I do not want my kids growing up around such negativity and poor impulse control. With that said, we also don't and won't leave the kids with my parents. My parents are much better now but every once in awhile they still have these arguments and I just don't think it's healthy for kids to be around that.

PP, I’m so sorry. That’s no way to be a kid. I feel like, as you have, my husband absolutely does not want to follow in his parents footsteps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are uncomfortable, for whatever reason, don't send them there. Do not get in their business and sit them down and tell them not to fight - first, it's not your place, and second, it's not like they want to be fighting anyway. Just cool it on the visits; try again later.

And give no explainations?

Just tell them the overnight is not convenient for whatever reason. Visit without doing the overnights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just tell them the overnight is not convenient for whatever reason. Visit without doing the overnights.

I agree. If they've always been like this, they're not going to change. And you get to decide not to subject your kids to the fighting.

As for your DH, he may feel that it's OK, since he survived it. But it seems fair for you to get to veto something that you feel is detrimental to your kids. Visit, and either avoid the overnights or have a parent stay over, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

Yes, they did. I think that’s why he doesn’t see the issue. “They argued like that and I’m ok!”

Is your husband okay? I assume people who came from fighting backgrounds learn to fight and scream when things are wrong. Does he try to argue like that with you?

I grew up in that kind of house. My sister fights like that, possibly even worse because she’s seen my parents argue so much and she knows she doesn’t want to lose. I’m conflict averse. If I’m being honest, I take an unhealthy amount of crap from people because I’m afraid that if I stand up for myself it’ll provoke a fight. It’s not a healthy environment to grow up in. (I’ve had lots of therapy as an adult and I’m doing better.)

My parents had one fight like that around my kids. It freaked them out. I told them in no uncertain terms that I wouldn’t expose my kids to that, and if it happened again they wouldn’t be around my kids without me. If they start bickering I give a somewhat gentle reminder. We take time outs if they seem too stressed out to trust them not to blow up at each other. They accused me of sheltering my kids too much, but they’re mine to shelter if I choose. I don’t consider providing a chaos free, emotionally safe environment to be sheltering.

It’s more awkward with it being your inlaws, but I wouldn’t force my kids into an uncomfortable position. It’s not like your kids are saying it doesn’t bother them. They told you it’s upsetting to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

Yes, they did. I think that’s why he doesn’t see the issue. “They argued like that and I’m ok!”

Is your husband okay? I assume people who came from fighting backgrounds learn to fight and scream when things are wrong. Does he try to argue like that with you?

I grew up in that kind of house. My sister fights like that, possibly even worse because she’s seen my parents argue so much and she knows she doesn’t want to lose. I’m conflict averse. If I’m being honest, I take an unhealthy amount of crap from people because I’m afraid that if I stand up for myself it’ll provoke a fight. It’s not a healthy environment to grow up in. (I’ve had lots of therapy as an adult and I’m doing better.)

My parents had one fight like that around my kids. It freaked them out. I told them in no uncertain terms that I wouldn’t expose my kids to that, and if it happened again they wouldn’t be around my kids without me. If they start bickering I give a somewhat gentle reminder. We take time outs if they seem too stressed out to trust them not to blow up at each other. They accused me of sheltering my kids too much, but they’re mine to shelter if I choose. I don’t consider providing a chaos free, emotionally safe environment to be sheltering.

It’s more awkward with it being your inlaws, but I wouldn’t force my kids into an uncomfortable position. It’s not like your kids are saying it doesn’t bother them. They told you it’s upsetting to them.

I grew up the same and I 100% tune someone out if they even raise their voice because it upsets me so. I have told DH that I can't have a conversation until he lowers his voice and speaks normally because it's true. I often say I'm "modeling normality" for my kids. Screaming and crying in front of your grandkids is not even within the range of normal.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Stop with the overnights. If the DH has a problem with it, have HIM talk to the grandparents. Or...send a cell phone with the oldest child. They can call you when a fights ensues. Listen for yourself, maybe it's trivial.