Grandparents fight around kids?

[Anonymous]

The last three times our kids have spend the night with their grandparents, they’ve had to bear witness to explosive arguments. A while back, the kids mentioned the grandparents arguing, but we assumed it was normal bickering. Well, last night it came out that these are pretty intense arguments in which everyone yells and grandma cries — we had asked them if they had fun at the grandparents this weekend, and they said they had, up until “the fight”. They went on to tell us something like this has happened the last three times they were there, and it makes them uncomfortable. Oldest kid assured us it’s nothing physical, but something sets off grandma and the two bicker until grandma cries.

These are my husbands parents, but he doesn’t think it’s any of his business. He asked his mom about it and she laughed it off as a “typical marital tiff”. But we don’t argue like that, and it makes our kids uncomfortable. DH thinks there should be no further action, but I don’t think our kids need to be exposed to that behavior until they can control themselves around the kids. DH and I are at a stalemate. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

[Anonymous]

If they fight this openly and this often, I'm assuming you've seen it in person yourself? Or is this totally out of character for your inlaws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

Yes, they did. I think that’s why he doesn’t see the issue. “They argued like that and I’m ok!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they fight this openly and this often, I'm assuming you've seen it in person yourself? Or is this totally out of character for your inlaws?

Yes, we’ve seen bickering, but they must hold back around other people. Apparently not in front of our kids though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

Yes, they did. I think that’s why he doesn’t see the issue. “They argued like that and I’m ok!”

Is your husband okay? I assume people who came from fighting backgrounds learn to fight and scream when things are wrong. Does he try to argue like that with you?

[Anonymous]

I 100% agree with you. They should not be around that. It is one of their main relationship examples outside of DH and you, and they're learning that fighting like that is normal. To me, it isn't about emotionally scaring them or anything, it's about setting them up to understand healthy relationships don't handle disagreements that way.

If your DH won't come around to your side and wants to continue having them stay overnight/without you, then this is something I'd take to a counselor for 2 - 3 sessions. A good therapist will explain how children form their understanding of relationships and how early examples can create unhealthy future behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

Yes, they did. I think that’s why he doesn’t see the issue. “They argued like that and I’m ok!”

Is your husband okay? I assume people who came from fighting backgrounds learn to fight and scream when things are wrong. Does he try to argue like that with you?

He doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

The children can spend time with their grandparents without spending the night. Take a break from the overnight visits and try again in a few months. See if the fighting occurs again, and if it does, discontinue overnights again. There's nothing wrong with children witnessing an occasional fight - that's healthy. But this has happened three times in a row, and is making them uncomfortable. There's no need to expose your kids to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The children can spend time with their grandparents without spending the night. Take a break from the overnight visits and try again in a few months. See if the fighting occurs again, and if it does, discontinue overnights again. There's nothing wrong with children witnessing an occasional fight - that's healthy. But this has happened three times in a row, and is making them uncomfortable. There's no need to expose your kids to that.

This is what I would like to do. But how do I get my husband on board? Do I broach this discussion myself? What do we tell the grandparents without making it seem like we are putting them in the corner for a time out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to sit down the grandparents and tell them it's unacceptable. Your husband needs to get on board. It's emotional abuse for kids to have to listen to parental figures like that fight and scream. It makes kids anxious and not feel safe.

Did they fight like that when your husband was little?

Yes, they did. I think that’s why he doesn’t see the issue. “They argued like that and I’m ok!”

Is he ok? Do you and he ever fight like that?

I would point out to DH that exposing your kids to that kind of arguing isn't good and isn't necessary. I wouldn't do move overnights for awhile.

If they never fought like that around the kids before, I would wonder whether something has changed medically with one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The children can spend time with their grandparents without spending the night. Take a break from the overnight visits and try again in a few months. See if the fighting occurs again, and if it does, discontinue overnights again. There's nothing wrong with children witnessing an occasional fight - that's healthy. But this has happened three times in a row, and is making them uncomfortable. There's no need to expose your kids to that.

This is what I would like to do. But how do I get my husband on board? Do I broach this discussion myself? What do we tell the grandparents without making it seem like we are putting them in the corner for a time out?

How often have the kids been spending the night? I don't see why you would have to tell the grandparents anything if this isn't a standing regular occurrence, because you aren't stopping the visits, only the overnights. If you don't want to be honest with the grandparents to spare their feelings, then just say you have plans the following morning and that a dinner or afternoon visit works better for their schedule. Tell your husband that you have no intention of limiting contact with the grandparents, so this is a fair compromise. It's not about you or him, or about how he handled their fights growing up, it's about the kids - and right now they are uncomfortable with what's been going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The children can spend time with their grandparents without spending the night. Take a break from the overnight visits and try again in a few months. See if the fighting occurs again, and if it does, discontinue overnights again. There's nothing wrong with children witnessing an occasional fight - that's healthy. But this has happened three times in a row, and is making them uncomfortable. There's no need to expose your kids to that.

This is what I would like to do. But how do I get my husband on board? Do I broach this discussion myself? What do we tell the grandparents without making it seem like we are putting them in the corner for a time out?

How often have the kids been spending the night? I don't see why you would have to tell the grandparents anything if this isn't a standing regular occurrence, because you aren't stopping the visits, only the overnights. If you don't want to be honest with the grandparents to spare their feelings, then just say you have plans the following morning and that a dinner or afternoon visit works better for their schedule. Tell your husband that you have no intention of limiting contact with the grandparents, so this is a fair compromise. It's not about you or him, or about how he handled their fights growing up, it's about the kids - and right now they are uncomfortable with what's been going on.

They go about once every 6 weeks. They live a ways away so this is how we work it usually. They come our way once every month or so, and we go their way, leaving the kids, every month or so.

I don’t want to limit visits, but I don’t want my kids to be scared and uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't leave my kids with them. Perhaps I'm overprotective and over sensitive but I dont want in situations where adults are making them uncomfortable like that, especially overnight. My parents argued, including a lot of heated arguments with yelling, mean things said, door slamming, etc a lot when I was growing up. It made me anxious, uncomfortable, I worried constantly they'd get divorced and that the arguing would turn physical. It was scarring. My brothers and I are all quite anxious as adults and I do think it's in part because of our parents' arguing and my dad raising his voice often, being overly critical of my mom and if us. I felt like i was always waiting for the next fight to happen, always on edge. Now in my own marriage we don't argue like that ever and if I feel myself being too critical or raising my voice I try to quickly stop myself. I do not want my kids growing up around such negativity and poor impulse control. With that said, we also don't and won't leave the kids with my parents. My parents are much better now but every once in awhile they still have these arguments and I just don't think it's healthy for kids to be around that.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are uncomfortable, for whatever reason, don't send them there. Do not get in their business and sit them down and tell them not to fight - first, it's not your place, and second, it's not like they want to be fighting anyway. Just cool it on the visits; try again later.