Advice on using a name that's already "taken"?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I think that it's strange to have first cousins with the same name (especially in the same generation--8 years apart). It's a lovely name, but it seems to me that there already IS a Margaret in your family--your niece. Use it as a middle name if you like, but find another fabulous first name that can be all her own.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it either. Also, I don't think this situation constitutes imitation that would lead one to be flattered. You are not using the name because your niece is some great person or because you admire your SIL who used the name. You are just using it because you like it.

[Anonymous]

Among my DH's cousins, we have someone who named their daughter the exact same first name as our DD#2 (and their daughter is about 3 weeks younger than mine), used our DD#1's middle name as a first name, and used my DH's name as a first name. In my DH's case, he is a III, so I suppose they thought they were honoring the Grandfather (who is still alive). In my family, my sister took the exact name I wanted to use for DD#1, but switched the first and middle, so I did not use the name. That one I WAS really hot about because everybody knew I had been planning to use those names. In all of these cases they were family names, so I suppose the theory is you don't get to hog the name by thinking of it first. It IS a little weird to get the e-mail announcing the birth and seeing a name that you used for your children (or your DH's name), so it would have been nice if they had at least dropped us a note or something first (not for permission because I don't think that is what is required here). They didn't, so I'll get over it promptly. I would suggest that the OP either have her DH call his sister or the she drop a note to her or call her herself. I don't know that I would ASK; I might just say just wanted to let you know. We think it's a great name and you were genuis to use it or something like that.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thank you for all of your excellent responses. I think I will try to bring it up with my sister-in-law.

I recall that, when my sister-in law's daughter was born in 2001, and when she named her Margaret, I said to myself "Oh no. If I have a daughter someday, that is the name I was hoping to use!" So I have truly had it in the back of my mind for years!

If it matters, I genuinely would not mind if my sister-in-law used my son's name. (She's done having kids now though, so it won't come up.)

Also, our last name is kind of a hard one, and it's tricky to figure out a name that will sound nice.

Thank you again.

[Anonymous]

What does the other Margaret go by? It would be a LOT better if you called your dd something different and never really introduced her to family as Margaret so it's clear from the get-go the two girls will always be called something different when together.

[Anonymous]

I would say pick another name. Just this morning I heard my brother in law named his son the same name as my son, now 9 mos old. Same first and last name. They are calling him by his middle name apparently. That to me is just unbelievable! The first name is a family name too, but still! I was shocked when I heard them talking about it 9 months ago, and shocked today!!! The same name first and last!!!!

[Anonymous]

It seems to come down to just how much you want to use the name. If you've always loved the name and cannot imagine naming your child any other name, then go with it. But I guess you should be prepared to deal with questions by other family members if you choose to use it. I think it's a big, personal decision and one that only you can make. Maybe your husband can put some feelers out there with his sister to see just how offended she'd be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thank you for all of your excellent responses. I think I will try to bring it up with my sister-in-law.

I recall that, when my sister-in law's daughter was born in 2001, and when she named her Margaret, I said to myself "Oh no. If I have a daughter someday, that is the name I was hoping to use!" So I have truly had it in the back of my mind for years!

If it matters, I genuinely would not mind if my sister-in-law used my son's name. (She's done having kids now though, so it won't come up.)

Also, our last name is kind of a hard one, and it's tricky to figure out a name that will sound nice.

Thank you again.

I think that bringing it up (multiple times now?) with your SIL puts her in an awkward position, especially if you are close. It's very possible that she doesn't want you to use it - but what is she supposed to say when you keep asking her? And, BTW, I'm in the camp of people who say you should pick a different name. I wouldn't use a name that someone in my immediate family already named their young child.

[Anonymous]

My first cousin and I are six years apart. We also live about 2,000 miles away and we "share" a first name except the last letter is different. Sort of along the lines of Louise & Louisa. When our family is all together we are referred to by our first and middle names: "Louisa Mae can you pass the butter", "Louise Jane did you hear it is going to storm tonight". I am the older one and at times growing up I did think it was a little strange but in the grand scheme of things is not a big deal.

The name was not a family name, I was the first to have it other than a very distant cousin. I say if you love Margaret, go for it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think in principle it's strange to have two people with the same name, especially if there is distance between them, but in your case I don't know if I would use it, at least not for a first name.

It sounds like it's touchy for your SIL and if it were me, I wouldn't want to create that kind of tension with my SILs so I'd probably choose something else.

If there is some compelling reason from your side (ie it's a family name on your side as well, you had planned to use this name since you were a girl, etc) then I would consider it.

We used a family name for my son's middle name. It is my grandmother's maiden name and has also been used as a first name by 3 of my relatives, and as a middle name by 3 others (including my son). It's a great name and has real significance and we can all claim a stake to it through my grandmother and nobody seems to be territorial about it or offended whenever the next person decides to use it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it.
I woul dhate it if my SIL did this to me.

[Anonymous]

I think its absolutely crazy that people are telling you not to use that name. Nobody owns names. I have three cousins named Mark, for crying out loud!

[Anonymous]

I would be terribly mad if my SIL sprung this on me when it was a done deal.

That said, my aunt wanted to use a name for her son that her sister had already used. son was probably about 8 or 10. Pregnant Aunt called up her sister and laid it out, got sister's permission and also got son's permission. They were far enough apart age-wise that it really wasn't much of a problem. Now we seem to refer to the older one as "Cousin Rob" and the other as "Rob Jones" when one is present and the other is not. (First one has a beast of a last name)

I think this is a discussion DH has to have with his sister. Have him call her up and lay it all out. If she wants to say no, it may be easier to say no to him than to you. And you'd rather have her say no than spend time stewing about it after the fact. Just be prepared that you may need another name.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different. I know a family that has at least 6 people who share a name in first name or second name position. And for some reason they use the unique first name with the common middle name (which is an uncommon name in general. I've never heard anyone outside this family with that name.) They are obviously cool with sharing names. I also have a friend who wanted to name her daughter Sarah, but already had a close friend with a daughter named Sarah. Friend #2 was delighted that she loved the name as much as she did and gave blessings to friend #1 using it.

On the other hand, when I saw my SIL had given her daughter the middle name Kay, I immediately removed it from consideration for my own daughter who was due days later.

Either way, the kids are eventually going to meet other Margarets so people will find ways to distinguish them by using nicknames or full names or something.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at all the "don't use it" responses - whoever said nobody owns names is spot on. You've loved the name forever, I say go for it! (it is nice of you to check with your SIL first, but I wouldn't "ask" for her permission, I would tell her that you are planning to name your DD Margaret and just wanted to give her the heads up so she didn't find it weird)