Help me get past this

[Anonymous]

Colleges know which schools have grade inflation or deflation. I wouldn’t sweat it. If you prefer the good public’s around here where 75% of the student body is Magana cum ladies and on the high honor role, go for it! Colleges know that too!

[Anonymous]

^ sorry I hate this iPhone’s autocorrect grammar and diction. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

I've got two book recommendations that will help you realize your DD will find success by charting her own course. Read them both and they will help ease your anxiety!!

Malcom Gladwell's David and Goliath: See a summary of his theory here. http://www.businessinsider.com/malcolm-gladwells-david-and-goliath-2013-10

Excellent Sheep by William Deresiewicz https://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1476702713/ref=tmm_hrd_collectible_olp_0?ie=UTF8&condition=collectible&qid=&sr=

[Anonymous]

1) Her mental health is more important than her grades (although were *she* to start feeling dissatisfied with her performance, that would not be good for her mental health).

2) How does she want to know she wants to major in science? Is it a real passion, or just a ready answer she gives when someone asks the question? Remember that many, many people don't decide on majors until they are sophomores in college -- ie, years later. If she does have a strong interest in a particular area of science, then help her find a way to enjoy that interest. Demonstrated (authentic) passion is more important to colleges than grades -- and is more important to her life than impressing college admissions.

[Anonymous]

College professor here. If your daughter is managing her depression, doing reasonably well in her high school courses, and generally happy, I think you should pat yourself on the back, take a deep breath, and know that she will be fine in college. She will probably be more than fine, actually. She will have a much wider variety of subjects and activities from which to choose and she may find something brand new that she absolutely loves. It sounds like she is pretty self-aware, which is a very big thing. I worry much more about the students who get to college without any kind of resilience and no coping skills for a crisis or low point. They are the ones more likely to self-medicate, skip class, or avoid professors until it is too late to do anything about their grade. In a situation like that, a kid's IQ is irrelevant. What matters is emotional maturity and the ability to face reality.

There are many great colleges out there with terrific faculty and smart kids. She will find her place even if she graduates from high school with a lower GPA than she could have managed in a perfect world.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

OP, are you sure her depression is adequately addressed? There are many levels of feeling "better," including many that are not all that great. Sometimes it is difficult to determine whether something is personality or untreated or inadequately treated illness. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

Maybe your Math classes were easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The college your child attends will not determine her success in life. I went to a public university and have worked with people who attended Ivy League universities and can barely function as adults in society, as well as brilliant, creative and talented folks from schools I’ve never heard of. Your daughter is working hard and is a motivated individual. It’s tough to be a teenager applying to colleges these days. She’s doing what she can and what is best for her right now. You need to be her safe harbor. Whatever stress you feel is 1,000 times worse in her hormone-ravaged brain. Just encourage her to do her best and build up her confidence to go after what she wants, whether it’s a career as a poet, professor, plumber or physician. What gets you through life is being able to get up everyday and handle whatever life throws at you. That’s how you succeed. Good luck.

+1 -- (and, FWIW, I graduated from two Ivies)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

Clearly your 4.0 GPA did not teach you critical thinking skills, good parenting, or emotional intelligence.

Are you sure you are not causing her depression?

You need help lady (or dude).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

OP, are you sure her depression is adequately addressed? There are many levels of feeling "better," including many that are not all that great. Sometimes it is difficult to determine whether something is personality or untreated or inadequately treated illness. Just a thought.

She is in therapy with a therapist she loves. She takes BC pills for PMDD, which has been helping. She and the therapist are talking about whether she needs anti-depressants (our pediatrician thinks she probably doesn't but is open to a psych referral if she wants them). She is soooooo much better than last year. I've seen huge improvements. You might be right, though, that she is still further away form where she needs to be than we realize. It's a good thing to think about. We talk a lot about how she is feeling and where she feels she is with the depression, so it's helpful that she is open and willing to discuss it. She is very self-reflective and self-aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

Clearly your 4.0 GPA did not teach you critical thinking skills, good parenting, or emotional intelligence.

Are you sure you are not causing her depression?

You need help lady (or dude).

Thank you for your arm chair diagnosis from your read of about 50% if what I have posted. It's very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

OP, are you sure her depression is adequately addressed? There are many levels of feeling "better," including many that are not all that great. Sometimes it is difficult to determine whether something is personality or untreated or inadequately treated illness. Just a thought.

She is in therapy with a therapist she loves. She takes BC pills for PMDD, which has been helping. She and the therapist are talking about whether she needs anti-depressants (our pediatrician thinks she probably doesn't but is open to a psych referral if she wants them). She is soooooo much better than last year. I've seen huge improvements. You might be right, though, that she is still further away form where she needs to be than we realize. It's a good thing to think about. We talk a lot about how she is feeling and where she feels she is with the depression, so it's helpful that she is open and willing to discuss it. She is very self-reflective and self-aware.

If you have money to spare and she is willing, you could have a neuropsychological exam done which would tell both of ou how she learns best, as well as strengths and weaknesses. If there is any minor learning disability it would detect it. It isn't cheap - about $3500-5000 but it would answer this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a sophomore at a very good private (think Big 3 but we are in a different city). Her IQ is about 135 and she did well in public until high school. She switched to private and so far, every semester has gotten 2 Bs (always language and math) and he rest As. She wants to major in science and I'm concerned she is blowing her chances to get into a good school for science with the consistently middling math grades (she is taking advanced math but can't, for the life of her, get an A). She does well on homework, etc, but gets low grades on tests and the final.

I'm paying a small fortune for the school and I can't help but worry that it's a waste of money (we are in a great public district where no one send their kid to private). She's happy there, so I guess I should take solace in that. She's fine with her grades and thinks they are ok. She was depressed last year, so this year, she's decided she doesn't care (which is probably part of her therapy). Last year, she did virtually no ECs. This year she has a couple. Nothing super impressive, but one is a club that she started with a friend, so that's something.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice, maybe a reality check, and a way to not be angry with her for being ok with mediocrity. Before everyone piles on, which you undoubtedly will, I am super supportive of her. I don't say these things to her. I say them to myself and I'm actually trying to find a way to be ok with her being who she is. I just don't get how a kid that has the intelligence isn't rising to the top. I'd love to understand why she tests so poorly and what can be done to help. I'd also love ideas on how to motivate her.

It’s astonishing to me that you think she doesn’t know what you really think.

You don’t want her to “be motivated” you want her to validate you.

[Anonymous]

Worse, this will never end for her. You won’t think her choice of job or her partner’s job is good enough either, unless it sounds good when you say it to your friends. You won’t think she’s parenting well. She’ll probably learn to manage it and maintain a relationship with you. She’ll visit at Christmas, etc. And you’ll probably still believe she doesn’t know what you “only say to yourself.”