When to come out?

[Anonymous]

I'm a straight, married woman. If I were your friend and had suggested we share a room or bed, here's what I think I would want to hear: "I'm not sure if you realized that I'm bi. I wouldn't cheat on Larlo, and I'm not attracted to you, but I wanted to let you know in case you felt that sharing the room would be too awkward."

[Anonymous]

Thus making it awkward.

[Anonymous]

The challenge is that if you don't tell them and they find out later, then they will look back on you wanting to share a bed or on other actions you did through an entirely different lens and wonder if that was you flirting or hitting on them. That can lead to a lack of trust in the friendship.

You have to be extra careful to have very distinct boundaries so that people don't feel taken advantage of. Nothing that could be perceived as flirtatious or you hitting on them. That is the only way that the information won't matter if it comes out later. Guy or girl, it is an icky feeling to think someone was your friend and then realize the friendship was a guise for getting into bed with you.

You can tell them now and choose to not share a bed. Personally I wouldn't care about sharing a room with a gay or straight or bi man or woman but I wouldn't share a bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thus making it awkward.

Perhaps, but avoiding any possibility of the friend feeling like OP was lying through omission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are married to a man and a mother. Why would your friends need to know you’re bi? That implies you intend to cheat and play around.

Whatever it is, your sex life is your private business. Not your friends’ business. If you were single it’s one thing to say you’re bisexual, but you’re married and society expects people who are married to be committed and it’s never comfortable or pleasant to openly imply you’re not faithful or sleeping around and that’s what you’re doing when you tell people you’re bisexual while in a marriage.

Really, what exactly are you hoping to gain by telling people you’re bisexual while presumably happily married and with a child?

I'm not the OP, but another bi woman married to a man, and this is a terrible reply. Am I suddenly supposed to never mention my female exs? Or attend pride? Or talk about how queer representation is important to me? I hate this idea that bi women who are married to men should just disappear and "play straight". Can I no longer talk about how I was excited the Rosa on brooklyn 99 used the word bisexual to describe herself?

Bisexual does not mean nonmonogamous.

[Anonymous]

Sometime when you are all dishing about "back in the day" stories, bring up an old girlfriend and then say that you're happily married but it's weird to feel invisible as a bi person. I think bringing it up in the context of sharing a room on a trip feeds into stereotypes that bi people are promiscuous and want to get with EVERYONE, and it makes it an awkwardly sexual conversation (unless your into one of these women, in which case I would really suggest not sharing a room).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are married to a man and a mother. Why would your friends need to know you’re bi? That implies you intend to cheat and play around.

Whatever it is, your sex life is your private business. Not your friends’ business. If you were single it’s one thing to say you’re bisexual, but you’re married and society expects people who are married to be committed and it’s never comfortable or pleasant to openly imply you’re not faithful or sleeping around and that’s what you’re doing when you tell people you’re bisexual while in a marriage.

Really, what exactly are you hoping to gain by telling people you’re bisexual while presumably happily married and with a child?

I'm not the OP, but another bi woman married to a man, and this is a terrible reply. Am I suddenly supposed to never mention my female exs? Or attend pride? Or talk about how queer representation is important to me? I hate this idea that bi women who are married to men should just disappear and "play straight". Can I no longer talk about how I was excited the Rosa on brooklyn 99 used the word bisexual to describe herself?

Bisexual does not mean nonmonogamous.

The OP is talking about "coming out" as bisexual to her friends despite being married and a mother. Not an openly bisexual person who later married a man. I don't see why she needs to make a fuss or a big deal about it. The way she described it in her OP wasn't wanting to be able to tell her friends in casual passing about previous girlfriends, but just wanted to declare to all and sundry that bisexuality is her identity despite making a pretty clear choice in marrying a man.

Her sexuality is really not my business and she seems self-centered. If I came across a similar situation I'd automatically think she's looking to cheat or play around or have an open marriage, and all three would make me less inclined to keep a friendship with her. I'd feel sorry for her family.

[Anonymous]

For me as a bi woman sharing a bed with a female friend is the same as sharing a bed with a male friend. Straight women would you share a bed or room with a male friend? Would you care if hubby shared a bed with a female friend? What OP is saying is that it could be awkward for her, damn is it that hard to understand. My female friends prance around in their underwear in front of each other. That might not be appropriate if one of the women is gay or bi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me as a bi woman sharing a bed with a female friend is the same as sharing a bed with a male friend. Straight women would you share a bed or room with a male friend? Would you care if hubby shared a bed with a female friend? What OP is saying is that it could be awkward for her, damn is it that hard to understand. My female friends prance around in their underwear in front of each other. That might not be appropriate if one of the women is gay or bi.

Using this logic, we should ban gays and bisexuals from participating in athletics, because they may have to shower with teammates. Or maybe, we'd have to require that gays and bisexuals use separate facilities.

I think as long as she doesn't do anything that could, in retrospect, be perceived as sexual, it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are married to a man and a mother. Why would your friends need to know you’re bi? That implies you intend to cheat and play around.

Whatever it is, your sex life is your private business. Not your friends’ business. If you were single it’s one thing to say you’re bisexual, but you’re married and society expects people who are married to be committed and it’s never comfortable or pleasant to openly imply you’re not faithful or sleeping around and that’s what you’re doing when you tell people you’re bisexual while in a marriage.

Really, what exactly are you hoping to gain by telling people you’re bisexual while presumably happily married and with a child?

I'm not the OP, but another bi woman married to a man, and this is a terrible reply. Am I suddenly supposed to never mention my female exs? Or attend pride? Or talk about how queer representation is important to me? I hate this idea that bi women who are married to men should just disappear and "play straight". Can I no longer talk about how I was excited the Rosa on brooklyn 99 used the word bisexual to describe herself?

Bisexual does not mean nonmonogamous.

The OP is talking about "coming out" as bisexual to her friends despite being married and a mother. Not an openly bisexual person who later married a man. I don't see why she needs to make a fuss or a big deal about it. The way she described it in her OP wasn't wanting to be able to tell her friends in casual passing about previous girlfriends, but just wanted to declare to all and sundry that bisexuality is her identity despite making a pretty clear choice in marrying a man.

Her sexuality is really not my business and she seems self-centered. If I came across a similar situation I'd automatically think she's looking to cheat or play around or have an open marriage, and all three would make me less inclined to keep a friendship with her. I'd feel sorry for her family.

I think it's totally normal for people to want to be open about their sexuality and who they are, especially with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me as a bi woman sharing a bed with a female friend is the same as sharing a bed with a male friend. Straight women would you share a bed or room with a male friend? Would you care if hubby shared a bed with a female friend? What OP is saying is that it could be awkward for her, damn is it that hard to understand. My female friends prance around in their underwear in front of each other. That might not be appropriate if one of the women is gay or bi.

Using this logic, we should ban gays and bisexuals from participating in athletics, because they may have to shower with teammates. Or maybe, we'd have to require that gays and bisexuals use separate facilities.

I think as long as she doesn't do anything that could, in retrospect, be perceived as sexual, it's not a big deal.

Those who are uncomfortable in such situations--and there are people who are--self select themselves out. Just as OP may want to self select herself out of bed sharing. Nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

"I prefer to have my own hotel room/bed"

I.e. nonissue

[Anonymous]

I only share that I’m bi if I’m intersted in someone. You’d be surprised how many ‘straight’ women will be interested in you when you say you like women. So if you share you nay actually give them the wrong idea and you’ll find women crawling all over you. So I would say avoid disclosing, not so much becaue you don’t want them to be uncomfortable and more so to ward off unwanted advances

[Anonymous]

Married straight female here. I've shared rooms with lesbians ... but as the previous posts said, if she's not attracted to me, and I'm not attracted to her, and we are both married to other people ... I don't see where this a problem.

If one of the folks in the room was a cheating rapist, there might be a problem. But it isn't gender related.

Don't bother discussing that you are bi just for a girls trip. That makes it sound as if you are interested in them. Let it come out as part of your history, your story.