WWYD: 7th Grade DS refusing to do any HW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would quit fighting entirely. Let him just deal w/ consequences at school.

OP, what do his teachers say? Experienced teachers can often tease out the difference between "doesn't have a good work ethic/needs to take responsibility" and "might have an attention or learning issue that is contributing to this behavior and these results."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7th grade son has issues with HW. He also has ADHD and takes Vyvanse. It has worn off by 5pm so he just had his dose increased. It has been a bit better but now he has to do all HW in front of me (if it is online HW). I know he was wasting time before online and then would end up having to stay up late. He knows if he wants a phone and XBox, he needs all As and Bs. He used to go to public school and he got straight As even though he did next to no work. Now that he is in private school, he actually has to work hard and he isn't used to it at all. I wish I didn't have to micromanage him at this point but he obviously needs it. He also knows that he can't use any electronics on the weekend unless he has all As and Bs. He is hard headed and stubborn but a weekend w/o any electronics helps remind him that I am not kidding.

I can assure you of this. If you continue to micromanage your son this way he will utterly fail when he leaves for college. it would be far better to insist on seeing the finished product but not make him sit with you. Stop insisting on As and Bs, stop hovering over him.

Or don't. But you will see what you get when he leaves, he will be incapable of self discipline.

This was my DS I posted about. I've tried it that way and that's how he ended up in this situation. If I tell him he needs to do the work and just let me look at the finished product, he will be up all night. Part of the problem is that a lot of the HW needs to be done online and the internet is full of distractions. He has ADHD and he is the definition of distracted. This is why he is now sitting with me so I can make sure he isn't going off onto other websites. I've tried to block things but he knows his way around it. He is 12, not 17 so right now, he needs more supervision, not less. I don't have the money for him to live at college anyway so I'm not worried about sending him off anywhere. If he gave good effort and got a C, I would be fine with that. But he doesn't give good effort and his teachers have all told me he is capable of more. My older DD does not have ADHD and did all of her HW all by herself all of the time. But this is a different child and right now, this is how it's going to be.

[Anonymous]

PP- I have two children with undiagnosed ADHD and it's a hard road but my oldest who is now in a MCPS magnet program as a freshman is doing well.

Up until this year, I really had to micromanage her work. I could have just given up and she could have learned the hard way but there's no way she'd be where she is without my intervention and now she's largely doing it on her own. The only support I am giving her now is just asking her each night what she's doing in all her classes- but she's doing all the work.

Maybe the maturity took at little longer than normal but I'm happy that I was able to lead her to what she needed to do.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. I feel like I am doing what needs to be done now. In another year or so, he might have gotten used to the workload and the expectations of private school (they are much higher than public school).

[Anonymous]

What does he REALLY like? My son loves his screen time. Grades are always available online at all time. ANY grade under a B makes for absolutly no screentime on the weekdays. This includes the phone. All As in the "core" classes gets him 1hr a day. StraightnAs gwts him unregulated screen time. He can get to these grades anyway he chooses.

If your son were my son, he'd probably have to take up puzzles because he'd have zero access to technology unless it were for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7th grade son has issues with HW. He also has ADHD and takes Vyvanse. It has worn off by 5pm so he just had his dose increased. It has been a bit better but now he has to do all HW in front of me (if it is online HW). I know he was wasting time before online and then would end up having to stay up late. He knows if he wants a phone and XBox, he needs all As and Bs. He used to go to public school and he got straight As even though he did next to no work. Now that he is in private school, he actually has to work hard and he isn't used to it at all. I wish I didn't have to micromanage him at this point but he obviously needs it. He also knows that he can't use any electronics on the weekend unless he has all As and Bs. He is hard headed and stubborn but a weekend w/o any electronics helps remind him that I am not kidding.

I can assure you of this. If you continue to micromanage your son this way he will utterly fail when he leaves for college. it would be far better to insist on seeing the finished product but not make him sit with you. Stop insisting on As and Bs, stop hovering over him.

Or don't. But you will see what you get when he leaves, he will be incapable of self discipline.

This was my DS I posted about. I've tried it that way and that's how he ended up in this situation. If I tell him he needs to do the work and just let me look at the finished product, he will be up all night. Part of the problem is that a lot of the HW needs to be done online and the internet is full of distractions. He has ADHD and he is the definition of distracted. This is why he is now sitting with me so I can make sure he isn't going off onto other websites. I've tried to block things but he knows his way around it. He is 12, not 17 so right now, he needs more supervision, not less. I don't have the money for him to live at college anyway so I'm not worried about sending him off anywhere. If he gave good effort and got a C, I would be fine with that. But he doesn't give good effort and his teachers have all told me he is capable of more. My older DD does not have ADHD and did all of her HW all by herself all of the time. But this is a different child and right now, this is how it's going to be.

He wont find his way around the internet if you block access at the router level. I have mine set to timers and when the grades slip, all access goes, except the school sites.

[Anonymous]

I can't change the router since I live in a basement apt. and the router is for the entire house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7th grade son has issues with HW. He also has ADHD and takes Vyvanse. It has worn off by 5pm so he just had his dose increased. It has been a bit better but now he has to do all HW in front of me (if it is online HW). I know he was wasting time before online and then would end up having to stay up late. He knows if he wants a phone and XBox, he needs all As and Bs. He used to go to public school and he got straight As even though he did next to no work. Now that he is in private school, he actually has to work hard and he isn't used to it at all. I wish I didn't have to micromanage him at this point but he obviously needs it. He also knows that he can't use any electronics on the weekend unless he has all As and Bs. He is hard headed and stubborn but a weekend w/o any electronics helps remind him that I am not kidding.

I can assure you of this. If you continue to micromanage your son this way he will utterly fail when he leaves for college. it would be far better to insist on seeing the finished product but not make him sit with you. Stop insisting on As and Bs, stop hovering over him.

Or don't. But you will see what you get when he leaves, he will be incapable of self discipline.

This was my DS I posted about. I've tried it that way and that's how he ended up in this situation. If I tell him he needs to do the work and just let me look at the finished product, he will be up all night. Part of the problem is that a lot of the HW needs to be done online and the internet is full of distractions. He has ADHD and he is the definition of distracted. This is why he is now sitting with me so I can make sure he isn't going off onto other websites. I've tried to block things but he knows his way around it. He is 12, not 17 so right now, he needs more supervision, not less. I don't have the money for him to live at college anyway so I'm not worried about sending him off anywhere. If he gave good effort and got a C, I would be fine with that. But he doesn't give good effort and his teachers have all told me he is capable of more. My older DD does not have ADHD and did all of her HW all by herself all of the time. But this is a different child and right now, this is how it's going to be.

So you're planning to micromanage him all through college? Sit with him while he does his homework?

[Anonymous]

Why does every kid who doesn't want to do homework considered to have an LD???

At puberty, this is fairly common amongst a lot of kids, particularly boys that are in the midst of puberty later than girls. MS.

I know many kids that came out the other side just fine without loading them up on meds.

[Anonymous]

A word on micromanaging. We all agree that by graduation, you can't be doing this, but....

When your kid has no skills for managing their work load, and it is very hard to do with each teacher having her own system, it isn't obvious that letting your kid fail is the path to future success.

Some kids say "Wow, I better get my act together."
Some kids learn "Wow, I'm never going to get this - I don't know where to start. I give up. I'm a loser. Why even bother?"

For the latter category, perhaps some intense parenting to teach the necessary skills is a better path to success?

Some learn from failure. Others learn by modeling good behavior.

I was seriously managing process when my kid was that age. I backed away regularly as he developed better skills. At this point, it is a once-a-week check-in so we can talk about what's gone well or poorly. He will be attending a good college next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7th grade son has issues with HW. He also has ADHD and takes Vyvanse. It has worn off by 5pm so he just had his dose increased. It has been a bit better but now he has to do all HW in front of me (if it is online HW). I know he was wasting time before online and then would end up having to stay up late. He knows if he wants a phone and XBox, he needs all As and Bs. He used to go to public school and he got straight As even though he did next to no work. Now that he is in private school, he actually has to work hard and he isn't used to it at all. I wish I didn't have to micromanage him at this point but he obviously needs it. He also knows that he can't use any electronics on the weekend unless he has all As and Bs. He is hard headed and stubborn but a weekend w/o any electronics helps remind him that I am not kidding.

I can assure you of this. If you continue to micromanage your son this way he will utterly fail when he leaves for college. it would be far better to insist on seeing the finished product but not make him sit with you. Stop insisting on As and Bs, stop hovering over him.

Or don't. But you will see what you get when he leaves, he will be incapable of self discipline.

This was my DS I posted about. I've tried it that way and that's how he ended up in this situation. If I tell him he needs to do the work and just let me look at the finished product, he will be up all night. Part of the problem is that a lot of the HW needs to be done online and the internet is full of distractions. He has ADHD and he is the definition of distracted. This is why he is now sitting with me so I can make sure he isn't going off onto other websites. I've tried to block things but he knows his way around it. He is 12, not 17 so right now, he needs more supervision, not less. I don't have the money for him to live at college anyway so I'm not worried about sending him off anywhere. If he gave good effort and got a C, I would be fine with that. But he doesn't give good effort and his teachers have all told me he is capable of more. My older DD does not have ADHD and did all of her HW all by herself all of the time. But this is a different child and right now, this is how it's going to be.

So you're planning to micromanage him all through college? Sit with him while he does his homework?

Relax. He is in 7th grade. He needs to learn what disciplined work looks like. Right now, he doesn't have it so I am teaching him. He had next to no HW in public ES. The most HW he ever had might have taken 20 mins. Now he regularly has 2 hours of it and when his meds wear off, it is more like 4 hrs. So he has no idea how to sit down, prioritize his long list of HW and do it. He has never been in this situation before. He has chosen incentives for good grades and hopefully that will help. Since he never had any real HW, he never needed incentives before.