Friend fell in love with another man, how do I support her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should you be involved at all?

She confided in me, asked me for advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're trying to be a good friend and be there for your friend who is likely feeling insanely confused, upset, lost and ashmed right now, and who specifically confided in you because she very clearly needed someone trusted to talk to. I don't know why everyone here is being so obtuse.

You can support her by being there for her to talk to when she needs to voice her feelings, and by being a non-judgmental ear. I would be very careful with giving any sort of advice (or saying anything negative about her husband) - the key word is listen. I would also encourage her to try talking to a therapist.

This was many years ago, and I did not fall in love with him or anything, but several years into my young marriage and for a variety of reasons I was having doubts...and they were exacerbated by an ex looking me up out of the blue and pursuing me pretty hard. While I never cheated (and eventually told my husband about everything and we worked on our marriage), it was an EXTREMELY lonely and difficult time. I was SO confused, and I was having all kinds of conflicting thoughts and feeling extremely guilty about all of them. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. I was in a seriously bad place mentally when I finally broke down and confided in one of my friends. I will FOREVER be grateful to her. She listened, she didn't judge, and she checked in to see how I was doing regularly. She didn't give her opinion or offer advice, she just let me vent and get it all out - she gave me an outlet for all the horrible self-torturing I'd been doing. She told me she knows life is complicated, that she didn't think I was a horrible person for having these feelings, and that no matter what happened she would support me. I have never forgotten how she was there for me during one of the hardest points of my life, and we are SO close to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This totally sounds like none of your business, and you should not "support" whatever plans she has to traumatize her husband and kids for selfish reasons.

Huh? She reached out to me for support.

NP.

Great. Then you need to tell her that you need to tell her that you will not be "supporting" whatever plans she has to traumatize her husband and kids for selfish reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This totally sounds like none of your business, and you should not "support" whatever plans she has to traumatize her husband and kids for selfish reasons.

Huh? She reached out to me for support.

NP.

Great. Then you need to tell her that you need to tell her that you will not be "supporting" whatever plans she has to traumatize her husband and kids for selfish reasons.

Mic drp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're trying to be a good friend and be there for your friend who is likely feeling insanely confused, upset, lost and ashmed right now, and who specifically confided in you because she very clearly needed someone trusted to talk to. I don't know why everyone here is being so obtuse.

You can support her by being there for her to talk to when she needs to voice her feelings, and by being a non-judgmental ear. I would be very careful with giving any sort of advice (or saying anything negative about her husband) - the key word is listen. I would also encourage her to try talking to a therapist.

This was many years ago, and I did not fall in love with him or anything, but several years into my young marriage and for a variety of reasons I was having doubts...and they were exacerbated by an ex looking me up out of the blue and pursuing me pretty hard. While I never cheated (and eventually told my husband about everything and we worked on our marriage), it was an EXTREMELY lonely and difficult time. I was SO confused, and I was having all kinds of conflicting thoughts and feeling extremely guilty about all of them. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it. I was in a seriously bad place mentally when I finally broke down and confided in one of my friends. I will FOREVER be grateful to her. She listened, she didn't judge, and she checked in to see how I was doing regularly. She didn't give her opinion or offer advice, she just let me vent and get it all out - she gave me an outlet for all the horrible self-torturing I'd been doing. She told me she knows life is complicated, that she didn't think I was a horrible person for having these feelings, and that no matter what happened she would support me. I have never forgotten how she was there for me during one of the hardest points of my life, and we are SO close to this day.

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should you be involved at all?

She confided in me, asked me for advice.

Tell her that you love her and you will support her but whatever she decides has to be her decision because she is the one who will have to live with it.

[Anonymous]

she's actually not in love with the guy per se but in love with that feeling that someone pays attention to her, listens to her, empathizes with her, etc.

advise her to separate the guy in question from the real issue.

if she leaves her husband, she absolutely should not jump into a relationship with said guy. she will need to take a significant amount of time to heal, recover, find her footing again, before thinking about any guy.

if she stays, then she's made her choice and this guy has to go away and she has to figure out how to 'manage' within her marriage.