Friend fell in love with another man, how do I support her

[Anonymous]

Let’s just say her husband while a nice guy, does not treat her well. She’s beautiful (by most objective standards), smart, educated, and even-keeled. A great catch. Her DH is the life of the party who has tons and tons of friends and enjoys the attention. However, it’s painfully obvious that she does not receive much of his attention, rather she’s just a part of his entourage. He won’t let her work, so she’s been stuck at home for a decade with kids. Her DH is rarely home, but when he is, he brings along his friends, cousins, coworkers, etc. She fell in love with a nice guy and the feeling is mutual. She’s in agony and I want to support her. I don’t know much more details about her relationship or feelings, except that the other guy did not offer any concrete plans about their relationship (if such exists, idk). What should I tell her?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? She needs to make a decision about her marriage without considering this guy as an option. Would she be happier divorced and alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? She needs to make a decision about her marriage without considering this guy as an option. Would she be happier divorced and alone?

Kids are 10 and 12. That’s a good advice thank you!

[Anonymous]

This totally sounds like none of your business, and you should not "support" whatever plans she has to traumatize her husband and kids for selfish reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? She needs to make a decision about her marriage without considering this guy as an option. Would she be happier divorced and alone?

Kids are 10 and 12. That’s a good advice thank you!

h

I agree with pp.

She should probably be going to counseling if her DH is so controlling that he doesn't "let" her work. That could be an excuse or exaggeration on her part. However, she should prepare herself to enter the working world again.

Op, don't give advice to her if she didn't ask btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This totally sounds like none of your business, and you should not "support" whatever plans she has to traumatize her husband and kids for selfish reasons.

Huh? She reached out to me for support.

[Anonymous]

She needs to deal with her marriage first. The new man should not be a consideration. (Nothing good comes from hopping from one relationship to another, usually.)

I am the last person to call for divorce when children are present just because someone isn't living their bliss, but frankly, if your description is true, she has legit cause to leave her marriage. No man should forbid his wife to work. That's just wrong.

But she has to deal with her marriage first, on its own terms. Maybe the new guy was a wake up call, and that's fine. If she wants to be with him, she needs to leave her marriage and expect to be on her own. If things work out down the road, fine.

[Anonymous]

DYou should remind her that the new guy shits and curses and has bad moods etc. also. Is it worth breaking up our family? The answer may be yes but just remind her of the consequences.

[Anonymous]

This third party is a wake up call. The other posters are right. She needs to have the strength to leave the marriage or stay on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DYou should remind her that the new guy shits and curses and has bad moods etc. also. Is it worth breaking up our family? The answer may be yes but just remind her of the consequences.

Her not our.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? She needs to make a decision about her marriage without considering this guy as an option. Would she be happier divorced and alone?

I agree with this. The worst thing she could do is jump from her marriage because this other guy is promising her a commitment so she feels "safe" to leave. If she does, she'll still be terrified of enprospect of that relationship ending and having to be on her own, which may mean she contorts herself into whatever this guy wants her to be and ends up just as unhappy as she is now. If her marriage is that bad, she needs to leave and then learn to stand on her own before she makes a major commitment to someone new.

[Anonymous]

Ok, her DH is not an evil control freak who forbids her working, he just makes it impossible for her to do so by not helping around the house or doing his share of childcare. He also goes on frequent business trips even when not required.

I am guilty of enjoying their open and hospitable house too much as many do in their very large circle of friends. My kids are friends with theirs so I would hate to see them suffer If my friend decided to leave her marriage. At the same time her DH really does neglect her needs and their marriage and no one deserves to be treated this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, her DH is not an evil control freak who forbids her working, he just makes it impossible for her to do so by not helping around the house or doing his share of childcare. He also goes on frequent business trips even when not required.

I am guilty of enjoying their open and hospitable house too much as many do in their very large circle of friends. My kids are friends with theirs so I would hate to see them suffer If my friend decided to leave her marriage. At the same time her DH really does neglect her needs and their marriage and no one deserves to be treated this way.

support this family by stepping away from their drama. Sounds like some introspection would be in order for you, her, possibly her husband, etc. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Why should you be involved at all?

[Anonymous]

Dump the guy, get a job, leave the H after the kids go to college.

Get some therapy ... her H is s good guy who does give her s bunch of attention. That does not seem like the worst thing.