Sandwich generation

[Anonymous]

BTDHGTTS. Take one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Try to chip away at problems rather than solving everything at once, I promise you it will add up over time. Do what you can, don’t try to do it all.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer (and died in my parents home 7 hours away- many trips) when my oldest was a junior in HS and my father moved in with us two years later when he was diagnosed with cancer (he died in our home) and my younger son was then a junior.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Sending you calming thoughts! Hope you can find time for yourself.

+1 to the PPs about the sandwich generation. My mom was in her 50s and 60s when caring for her own mother, who died a couple years ago. I'm 38 with a 4 year old, and mom just had a heart attack (and won't accept help but that's a different thread). Her care is going to be an issue while my kid is in elementary school, rather than adult as I was when grandma needed help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm right there with you. Four kids (last one was a "bonus") and a 90-year-old mom for whom I am the only family.

People ask me what I do for a living and - just this week - I decided that I should start saying, "I take people to doctors." Between doctors, dentists, orthodontist, and specialists of all sorts, this is basically what I do with most of my week. Unfortunately, I am constantly having to cancel my own health appointments to manage everyone else's.

Some days, it can feel very overwhelming. I don't have any advice per se, but I am right there with you. Hand in there.

[Anonymous]

^ Hang in there, is what I meant to type

[Anonymous]

In some situations this may help: Let them leave a phone message. Screen to determine if it's urgent. Return calls at a set time convenient for you, say 4pm everyday. When DH had cancer, and there were lots of people who wanted to have conversations, I just couldn't have it consume all of me, day. And that was also how I handled worry. I'd schedule time to worry, for an hour, each day. The rest of the day if it wasn't time to worry, I told myself I'd worry later. It helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: why is it called the sandwich "generation"? Doesn't every generation have to deal with both kids and aging parents at some point?

People are waiting longer to have kids and elderly folk are living longer. Thus a woman in her 50's (like me) has an 11 year old and an 87 year old mother. Not the usual case 20 years ago. It happened sometimes, but there was not an entire generation with both little ones and very aged incapacitated parents to deal with at the same time.

I don't think this is true totally. Sure, my grandmother's mom died when she was 22 but, for my mom she was also the sandwich generation when we were teens and her mom was alive. So, the term has been around for longer than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: why is it called the sandwich "generation"? Doesn't every generation have to deal with both kids and aging parents at some point?

People are waiting longer to have kids and elderly folk are living longer. Thus a woman in her 50's (like me) has an 11 year old and an 87 year old mother. Not the usual case 20 years ago. It happened sometimes, but there was not an entire generation with both little ones and very aged incapacitated parents to deal with at the same time.

I don't think this is true totally. Sure, my grandmother's mom died when she was 22 but, for my mom she was also the sandwich generation when we were teens and her mom was alive. So, the term has been around for longer than you think.

Forgot to add my mom is now 84.

[Anonymous]

OP here coming back to this post after a few days. I clearly am not alone. Those are some tough stories, everyone. And a good suggestion about worry/call back time.

The good news is I found some time to exercise! The bad news is the hits keep coming.

All my best to all of you and your families.

[Anonymous]

OP, your generation is not unique in this regard. You could have had a pre-schooler on your hands, you know. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: why is it called the sandwich "generation"? Doesn't every generation have to deal with both kids and aging parents at some point?

People are waiting longer to have kids and elderly folk are living longer. Thus a woman in her 50's (like me) has an 11 year old and an 87 year old mother. Not the usual case 20 years ago. It happened sometimes, but there was not an entire generation with both little ones and very aged incapacitated parents to deal with at the same time.

Not quite. Today's 80 was yesterday's 65, so plenty of folks had to deal with children at home plus incapacitated parents. Previous generations accepted this as a given, while modern Western cultures tend to discard the elderly, because they see no value in previous generations. Only burden.

[Anonymous]

Every generation is sandwich. Women are under pressure to take care of two or three generations as well as earning an income. This is not getting better. The boomers are aging out and eldercare has become very skilled at sucking up all their savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: why is it called the sandwich "generation"? Doesn't every generation have to deal with both kids and aging parents at some point?

No. my generation is unique in that professional women put off having children until much later in life than is culturally normal, historically in the U.S., and worldwide. So if you are having children in your late 30s and early 40s, as I did, that means that you will, at age 60 be dealing with 1) children in college, tuition expenses, cars, etc., 2) your elderly parents (mine are almost 90) and 3) worrying about your own retirement, all at once - hence the term "sandwich generation" because we are sandwiched in by competing emotional and financial needs.

[Anonymous]

OP and pps - there with you! Three teenagers and my 83 yo mom. All in good health, but since I'm the only local sib, I'm the one on deck to take care of everyone. Single parent to boost. It's exhausting yes, but we now function as a multi-generation family which is good for everyone (my mom lives with us). I try to squeeze in me time when I can, and make sure I don't get lost in the shuffle of caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: why is it called the sandwich "generation"? Doesn't every generation have to deal with both kids and aging parents at some point?

No. my generation is unique in that professional women put off having children until much later in life than is culturally normal, historically in the U.S., and worldwide. So if you are having children in your late 30s and early 40s, as I did, that means that you will, at age 60 be dealing with 1) children in college, tuition expenses, cars, etc., 2) your elderly parents (mine are almost 90) and 3) worrying about your own retirement, all at once - hence the term "sandwich generation" because we are sandwiched in by competing emotional and financial needs.

This applies to men as well.

[Anonymous]

It is different now.

My mom was 24 when I was born and her’s and my dad’s parents were in their mid to late 40s. Nothing was considered odd about this. My mother was a grandmother (my sister’s kids) with her three kids through college by the time her mom needed substantial care.

I had my children at 40 and 43. I am lucky that my mom and dad are relatively young. They are late 70s and have no substantial health issues and I am hopeful there will be no real health issues for my parents (or DH’s, who are around the same age) before our kids are in college.