Why do they say to wait a long time to start a new relationship after a divorce/separation?

[Anonymous]

You are a prime example why. You clearly want a warm body at the end of the day. When that's your motivation, you won't be as picky as you should be.

People recommend living a full, happy life coupled OR single. If you have that, you'll choose a partner that you are willing to include in your happy life, because they will make you happier. You will NOT choose a partner who will make you less happy, because you have the confidence of being happy alone.

But if you just want a warm body, you'll tolerate crap in the name of the warm body. Don't do that.

[Anonymous]

My twins are now 6 years old. Since my children have been born, I have only spent short periods by myself without either my wife or my children with me. This past summer, my wife was going to a week-long conference. I normally go, but this year I had a lot of family commitments, etc, and changed jobs, so I didn't have a week of leave to take. But they introduced a kids program this year. So my wife took the kids to the conference and put them in the kids program. I got a week of Daddy Staycation to myself. Other than 3 long work weekends and 1 week flying to take care of my sister in the hospital, I haven't had this much time without family commitments or responsibilities since the kids were born.

What did I do?
I scheduled a massage on a weekday evening.
I went to 3 restaurants with cuisine my wife or kids do not like.
I went to the movies at the last minute, on a whim, after work, just because it felt like the thing to do.
I got takeout and went home and watched an action guy-flick that my wife doesn't want to watch. While eating dinner on the couch.
I met a friend and went to happy hour all on my own, without having to check if I could go, because I didn't have to check in with anyone.

Things that I really didn't even realize relax me, I got to do whenever I wanted to.

I love my family, I love doing things for them and I don't mind the compromises and sacrifices that I make for family harmony. But there are parts of myself that I miss because I don't give myself the opportunity to explore them. But I know those things. So I look for opportunities to enjoy them when I can.

OP, you need to do this same exploration of yourself to find those things that help you. Then, when you are in a new relationship, and you have some time to yourself, you'll have a better idea of what to do that will relax you and help you recenter before commitments and responsibilities from your relationship resume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t date for several months after I separated and divorced and I’m happy I didn’t. Like someone else said, I feel like it’s too easy to cling to someone just to fill a void. I actually really loved the time I spent by myself. I got an apartment in a quiet, out of the way part of town. My ex always had to have to TV blaring and left clutter around. I enjoyed keeping my apartment clean, washing my floors by hand (I know that sounds weird lol), learning how to cook new things, walking my dog more, and listening to jazz music with the TV off! I really learned how to take care of everything myself and learn to enjoy spending time alone with myself. When I did start dating, I felt less inclined to settle and more like I knew exactly what I wanted in a partner. Like the old saying goes, “you have to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else.”

I thought I was the only one!!!! *soulmate*

LOL nope! My preference is plain old Pine Sol, a bucket, and a rag. That apartment had beautiful floors and it made me feel good to keep them sparkling and keep a neat home. It was impossible before with all the furniture, his clutter, and even just having one extra person around. When it’s just me I can move things as I like, take as long as I want without people walking around me, and play music while I do it. Oddly relaxing!

[Anonymous]

Because you need to learn that being alone doesn’t equate to loneliness. Because there are benefits to being your own person, comfortable in your own skin, happy on your terms, above and beyond being someone else’s significant other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you need to learn that being alone doesn’t equate to loneliness. Because there are benefits to being your own person, comfortable in your own skin, happy on your terms, above and beyond being someone else’s significant other.

Hey OP, this woman is glad to be single. (A lot of women are.) That means you're wrong to want to be not single. You must live your life her way.

[Anonymous]

I've been divorced for almost a year after a year of separation and I've only been on a handful of dates. We have a young child, so she's a priority and I find the idea of dating exhausting. I spent almost the entirety of my 20s with my ex and I'm just so happy to be on my own and being able to unilaterally make the decisions in my life. Dating seems exhausting, I'm awkward with new people so the idea of going out to meet people makes me anxious, so I've focused on building up the friendships in my life instead. I'm actually at a point where I don't want a new husband, but would love a second child. The only motivation I have to date or marry again is to have a second pair of hands around and after divorcing someone I married because they were convenient, I'm not doing that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds snarky, but this is a genuine question. Truly, what should you be doing during that time period? And yes, this is something I am facing so I can only focus on the negative right now (being alone through the holidays, birthday, etc) and I want to know what makes that loneliness worth it. Because I can't see how it matters how many new hobbies I get, or how many friends I have, or how great of a family I have, or how much I go to the gym, I'm still going home to an empty house at the end of the night. Am I supposed to figure out how to enjoy this first and that's how I know I am "ready"?

This is exactly why. Literally anybody will keep you from being lonely, so you're very likely to end up in a relationship with someone who's not actually any good for you just to fill the emptiness. Once the loneliness isn't scary anymore, you'll actually look at partners through a lens of whether they're the right fit for you, not just "is this a warm body that will fit in bed next to me?"

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you all. I think this may be one of the nicest posts on DCUM I've ever seen?? Anyway, I appreciate all of the insight and advice. And you are all right, and I needed to hear each and every one of you. So thank you again.

[Anonymous]

You need time to figure out why your last relationship failed and what, if anything, you want to do differently in your next one. Hopping from one bed to the next isn’t likely to result in a healthy, long-term relationship. I know a couple of people who have done that, complete with quickie weddings and babies, without much success.

[Anonymous]

It’s tough, OP, and many of us have been there or are currently there. I jumped into dating because my ex literally put up his profile everywhere the second we started talking about separating and started “dating” a ton of women. So felt like I needed to compete. Who doesn’t want to feel wanted and desired? I was on sale- my true worth wasn’t showing and I settled for some frogs because they were fulfilling some very basic needs. It was like I was on the clearance rack at a huge discount.

Now I’m single and embracing it although it still does get lonely at weird times (like Costco- who’d have thought). I’m still learning to figure out who I am and what I want. It doesn’t make it easier when the ex has moved on and never gave out split a second thought (and no I didn’t get fat).

And just an observation- the men seem to move on very quickly while the women seem to take their time to find themselves.

[Anonymous]

Because whatever issues you had in your marriage will be trigger points in any future relationships you have, and if you don't understand what they are and how they make you act, you're going to run into the same issues over and over again in future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Only listen to the advice of those who have been through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you need to learn that being alone doesn’t equate to loneliness. Because there are benefits to being your own person, comfortable in your own skin, happy on your terms, above and beyond being someone else’s significant other.

Hey OP, this woman is glad to be single. (A lot of women are.) That means you're wrong to want to be not single. You must live your life her way.

You’re making assumptions. I learned to be happy single, which helped me to learn to be happy in a relationship. I then met the man that I’ve spent 14 very happy years with.

Happiness in a relationship and being dependent or codependent are different things. I think all the women I know who are happy living as themselves are also the happiest in their relationships and marriages.


But hey, you don’t want to live life being happy, or would prefer a codependent relationship to a healthy, happy one - you do you.

[Anonymous]

I have similar feelings - been separated for 1.5 years and divorced for a few months. At first I wanted to go on dates to feel beautiful and desirable. I now realize that is what I wasn't getting from my XDH so the PP was right I would be going into the next relationship as the old me and I sure as he'll don't want that type of relationship again.
The only thing I miss immensely is sex but I cannot see myself dating right now so I am putting all that on the back burner

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone says a LONG time just wait until you have worked through whatever issues you have leftover from the marriage and divorce. Get you together before you get back out there trying to mate.