Can't fully get along with sister in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you write a tome ending with "What should I do?" You get advice to break up with him from someone who took the time to read all that, and then you want to argue the advice.

Whatever. Go live your life. Live with your boyfriend. Marry him if he ever decides to propose. Deal with his sister and keep complaining. Just promise that you won't come back here to whine about how your boyfriend/husband doesn't stick up for you. You're making this choice with eyes wide open.

You angry?
There can be a lot of advices. Not only one that I should absolutely follow.
You gave me one. I heard it and decided that I wanted to hear other ones.
You sound like there are only 2 solutions: break up or live with it. That's all there is. No in between solutions.
And because I didn't choose yours, then am I necessarily someone who doesn't want to get advices?

This is correct.

If by "in between solutions," you mean your boyfriend and/or his sister choosing to behave differently, no, that is not a solution. What you see, and what you are now experiencing, is what you get. Whatever goes on in a relationship will be exacerbated after marriage and children.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you write a tome ending with "What should I do?" You get advice to break up with him from someone who took the time to read all that, and then you want to argue the advice.

Whatever. Go live your life. Live with your boyfriend. Marry him if he ever decides to propose. Deal with his sister and keep complaining. Just promise that you won't come back here to whine about how your boyfriend/husband doesn't stick up for you. You're making this choice with eyes wide open.

You angry?
There can be a lot of advices. Not only one that I should absolutely follow.
You gave me one. I heard it and decided that I wanted to hear other ones.
You sound like there are only 2 solutions: break up or live with it. That's all there is. No in between solutions.
And because I didn't choose yours, then am I necessarily someone who doesn't want to get advices?

This is correct.

If by "in between solutions," you mean your boyfriend and/or his sister choosing to behave differently, no, that is not a solution. What you see, and what you are now experiencing, is what you get. Whatever goes on in a relationship will be exacerbated after marriage and children.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

+1

Your SIL is not going to change, unless she decides on her own to change. You cannot change her. You need to make all decisions assuming that she will continue to behave the way that she is currently behaving. Everyone else around her allows and enables her behavior--you are not going to change it.

Your boyfriend apparently doesn't have a problem with his sister's behavior, and he wants you to get along with her. He is unlikely to change. You need to make decisions assuming that he will continue to see his sister's behavior as unproblematic and expect you to get along with her.

The only person you can control in this situation is you. You can break up with him because you do not want a permanent connection with his family. Or you can figure out a way to deal with it. Maybe that means ignoring it, maybe that means calling it out and getting blowback. But these people have spent their whole lives being the way they are, and you are not going to change them.

[Anonymous]

She is NOT your SIL. You are not married.

[Anonymous]

She may be annoying but so are you. You are fully participating in the dynamics by controlling another adult (I.e. turning off the TV) and she expects you to control other aspects of her life too (e.g. packing her underwear). When you treat her as an equal she might turn around.

[Anonymous]

This is all too dumb
When a post is this long, it's just dumb stuff

[Anonymous]

it's advice whether it's singular or plural... advices is not a word (as indicated by the red line that shows up when you type it out.)

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure that this is advice, but my mother had a similar dynamic with her SIL when she started dating my dad. My father’s father had also passed, and she had basically fallen into this bratty role that everyone catered to. I think it was because she appeared to take the death of their father really hard, and also because my grandmother basically ran out of energy to parent her properly. Much of the behavior was the same - tagging along to dates between my father and mother, sitting in my father’s lap. Today, my aunt is in her 50s and is still a piece of work. Basically, my mother was able to get my father to see how out of line my aunt was, and boundaries were set. My own husband had a bratty sister, who was all kinds of jealous when he started dating me. There were a few outrageous incidents where she read some of our AIM conversations (snooped, basically), another where she wouldn’t let DH answer his phone when I called, that, and she posted her displeasure with me all over the internet.

I made it very clear to my husband that this was dealbreaker behavior and that I would not be treated so poorly, and that it was me or her. Welp, he basically cut her off for a number of years when she wouldn’t change her behavior, and I don’t know that their relationship has ever recovered. And DH doesn’t really care.

I think complicating your situation is that your boyfriend probably feels like a father towards his little sister, given that her actual father is deceased. He needs to lay down the law with her, and not straddle the fences. If you’re dealing someone who behaves completely unreasonably, you will need to hold a firm boundary. Who cares if you piss off SIL? In our case, DHs family came around when they realized he wouldn’t bend on our relationship being respected.

Lastly, your SIL probably has sexual feelings for your boyfriend. That happens and IS a thing. I’d point that out to your DH. It might be the gross-out he needs to start setting boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Do you know why your boyfriends sister is creepy and clingy? Because your boyfriend allows it. This is the dynamics when you're entering the family. You're going to be that poster down the line that posts about how she knew the family dynamics and assumed that once she got a ring she could control those family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know why your boyfriends sister is creepy and clingy? Because your boyfriend allows it. This is the dynamics when you're entering the family. You're going to be that poster down the line that posts about how she knew the family dynamics and assumed that once she got a ring she could control those family dynamics.

Also I don't see why your BF would allow his creepy ass sister to lay on top of him and nuzzle his neck. Wtf

[Anonymous]

All the therapy. For all of you. SIL because she treats her brother like a BF. Your BF needs to find out why he allows it. You need to figure out why you continue to date a man that's in a relationship with his sister.

[Anonymous]

DRAMA

No advices but the whole shebang is dysfunctional to the infinite degree. I'd take a walk and sign up for English writing class to occupy my time.

And the girl is not your SIL. She's just your boyfriend's crazy freak nasty sister. Don't make her your real SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DRAMA

No advices but the whole shebang is dysfunctional to the infinite degree. I'd take a walk and sign up for English writing class to occupy my time.

And the girl is not your SIL. She's just your boyfriend's crazy freak nasty sister. Don't make her your real SIL.

+1