Thanksgiving with estranged siblings.
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Anonymous
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I agree with the others about being civil and not engaging others in your dispute (even if your sister does it).
Also depends on reason for estrangement. |
Anonymous
I think the reason matters, in that if one person was abusive to the other, then my advice would be different than if they just had a falling-out or drifted apart. Assuming no abuse, go, be polite, make small talk, and don't involve anyone else in your emotional drama. Definitely don't make anyone take sides. |
Anonymous
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Op here:
Multiple reasons for the estrangement building up over the past couple of years. She's unsupportive and snarky. I was diagnosed with a serious illness and going through chemotherapy. There was one time I had to cancel a trip to come visit them during Christmas, I felt too sick. She accused me of faking it because I posted a picture from a walk DH and I went on (literally, 20 mins around the block). She regularly patrols my social media and makes snarky comments. I used to follow a natural childbirth and breastfeeding page, she complained to me that it was "gross." She was unsupportive at and during my wedding. Didn't come to my engagement party, bridal shower, wedding rehearsal. Refused to be in the wedding party. Acted snarky and pouted during my wedding. Multiple vendors and guests commented to me afterwards and asked why she looked so upset. According to my Mom, she felt I stole her thunder at my wedding. Whatever that means. She thinks less of DH because he works a blue collar job. She sent me a copy of his juvenile record after my wedding. She honestly just seems hellbent on undermining me at every opportunity she has. I come from divorced parents. I specifically planned this dinner with my Dad and stepmom's side of the family. My Dad mentioned to me this weekend that he's planning on inviting my sister. The last words I had with her were to "have a nice life" and was blocked. |
Anonymous
These are not enough reasons for you to not be able to behave civilly. You don't like her for many reasons. But you seem very sensitive to her explicit and implicit criticisms but you don't like her so why care? |
Anonymous
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Wow. OP, I posted earlier about saying a civil hello and goodbye at the least, and conversing only if it's neutral. I would still stick to that, though your post above shows some truly egregiously awful behaviors -- sending you DH's court record right after your wedding? That's the most passive-aggressively nasty thing I've heard.
Still, consider going if you want to see the other relatives, and still be civil toward her. Frankly, you always win by being the mature, calm person in a relationship like this. Treat her as invisible at the dinner and she will say you snubbed her. Take care, though, that your dad is not attempting to get you two to "patch things up" by inviting her to an event you had been planning for some time to attend. Dad knows you have known about the dinner a long time and won't believe you if you say you have other plans, unfortunately; however, you are an adult and not obliged to go anyplace where someone who has been immature and snarky toward you will be present. Does your dad fully realize that you and sister are not speaking? Does he have any idea why? (Honestly, I would not have dragged a parent into this so in your shoes my parent might not know what was up.) If he does know what's going on: Is your relationship with your dad such that you can say to him, frankly but kindly, "Dad, you know that Sister and I are estranged. Of course it's your prerogative to invite her to dinner. I just want to be sure that you are not hoping the invitation will bring me together with her to try to get us to 'make up.' I am glad to come and see you all, including sister, but I want to say that this won't be the time or place for us to overcome differences. I promise things will be completely civil on my side." If he doesn't know what's going on: "I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving!" If sister is the type to have bent his ear and spewed falsehoods to make you and/or DH look bad: "I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving! I know Sister will be there. Maybe you're not aware but she and I have some differences that mean we haven't communicated much recently. If she's been communicating with you, that's great. I just would like you to understand that if we seem cool, there's nothing for you to worry about, and I will be civil and have a great time seeing everyone including Sister." Or whatever script you work out. By the way, is your DH going to be there? The one whose record she actually went to the trouble of obtaining and whose job she disparages? If so, you need to work with him on a mutual way to handle things. I would stay very sober, talk with other relatives so there aren't openings for her to wind either of you up, and plan to meet ANY snarky comments with a cold stare, NO words, and then turn to the person next to you to say, "How about that ball game, huh?" or whatever else signals that you are deaf to snark. If necessary, have a fictional "somewhere else we have to be at X o'clock" on Thanksgiving Day so you can leave easily. Discard this if during the dinner, things actually are going well and she's being OK or at least not engaging you. |
Anonymous
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OP-- previous poster here with the same sister. It is really frustrating when other family members try to force you to have a relationship. When my sister was hellbent on making my life hell with petty crap during our mother's last days my siblings said nothing. When i finally cut her off after she hurt my children I felt a lot better. Never fails that one of my siblings will suggest we all get together like nothing ever happened. Once I say I won't attend a gathering they typically don't hold it. I do spend time with my siblings and their families when she isn't around.
Do what is right for you. If you don't think it will be ok then just tell your Dad that you will have to back out. Don't hold it over him that he is inviting her. He loves you both though I know it hurts. Take the high road and tell him you will see them on the weekend or for brunch on Friday. |
Anonymous
| It's late September and having Thanksgiving with your estranged sister in 2 months is weighing heavily on your mind. Just don't go. It's not worth the stress. |
Anonymous
| Clearly she's got issues. I would go with a "stupid and cheerful" attitude. Keep everything civil and light. Talk about the weather and non-consequential things. You know she's whacky, so stop yourself from caring about her opinions or what she says. |
Anonymous
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Seems like a good opportunity to show everyone who the crazy person is, OP. You stay courteous, she continues to snark during the entire visit. People will finally get it. |
Anonymous
| Don't go |
Anonymous
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Sorry but I think you need to just get over it and act nice for one dinner. She's clearly crazy. Just stay away from her.
Or go to another party. |
Anonymous
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Op here, thank you. 11:52, that’s actually really great advice.
I’m not actively bothered by her anymore. Keeping distance between us definitely helps. I know her behaviour is ridiculous and I try to laugh about it now rather than cry (because it did really upset me at the time). But when I’m around her, some things come bubbling to the surface. I’m sure I can keep it together for thanksgiving. And just FYI, my family live in Canada and their thanksgiving is in two weeks. |