Thanksgiving with estranged siblings.

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my sister. Dads side of the family is hosting thanksgiving this year. He recently told me she was invited. We are not on speaking terms nor are we friendly with each other.

Any suggestions on how to deal? It will definitely be awkward. :/

[Anonymous]

Don't go. Problem solved. You don have to go to dads just because you're invited.

[Anonymous]

It would help if you told us what causes the estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Are you civil to one another? If either of you makes it uncomfortable for everyone else through aggressive acts or passive aggressive acts, you shouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you civil to one another? If either of you makes it uncomfortable for everyone else through aggressive acts or passive aggressive acts, you shouldn't go.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why can't you go to your mom's instead?

[Anonymous]

You can't even say "Hello Larla, Happy Thanksgiving" in a neutral tone of voice? Wow. You are not an adult.

[Anonymous]

The reason for the estrangement is irrelevant. Are you an adult? Do you want to go?

Then go. And act like an adult. Say hello. Don’t expect a response. Move along.

[Anonymous]

My divorced parents can share a table at Thanksgiving with their new partners. You'll be ok.

But yes, the reason for estrangement is key. Toxic or abuse, I'd skip it. If you just "don't get along" suck it up and bite your tongue for the day.

[Anonymous]

Go if you can be civil and polite. If you can't, don't go. It wouldn't be fair to the other guests.

[Anonymous]

They key to estrangements without making things awkward, is don't involve others in your drama. Don't complain to other family members. Don't ask them to make alternate arrangements (ie, "Is Joe invited? Does he have to come? If he's going, I'm not going.") Don't play convincing games that put them in the position of taking sides. Let them have their own relationships and make their own invites. And then you decide accordingly.

If you want to go, then go. But you don't have to talk to your estranged sibling. You don't have to engage with them. If it's too much, then don't go. You don't have to give details, just say "I'm sorry, I can't make it this year, but hope you guys have a great feast!"

[Anonymous]

OP I am in the same boat with my sister. After trying this once we decided that the only family event we would attend where she was is wedding or funerals. I am happy to bow out of any gathering if she will be there. When we did try it she made a massive scene in front of my children (again) and it is up to me to protect them from her. So I do!

[Anonymous]

Go to your inlaws? Host your own Thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They key to estrangements without making things awkward, is don't involve others in your drama. Don't complain to other family members. Don't ask them to make alternate arrangements (ie, "Is Joe invited? Does he have to come? If he's going, I'm not going.") Don't play convincing games that put them in the position of taking sides. Let them have their own relationships and make their own invites. And then you decide accordingly.

If you want to go, then go. But you don't have to talk to your estranged sibling. You don't have to engage with them. If it's too much, then don't go. You don't have to give details, just say "I'm sorry, I can't make it this year, but hope you guys have a great feast!"

NP. This is an eminently sensible post, OP. Combine it with a post above that noted that it's fine to go as long as you and sibling don't make other people uncomfortable, and you've got your advice.

I would differ slightly on just one thing: You may not have to have conversations with the estranged sibling but please do take the high road and say a civil hello and a civil goodbye directly to her. Acknowledge your sister's presence there by looking at her and greeting her and saying farewell at the end. If she tries to engage in conversation, as long as the conversation topic is neutral and isn't going to lead you into whatever is the reason for the estrangement -- yes, you can speak with her. Say she asks, "So, how is your child/pet/job these days?" That's neutral (unless maybe she has some weird jealously over your child/pet/job that you're well aware of?), so I'd just say, "Oh, the job is going well. Staying busy. And you?" Involve a third party if someone's nearby, and plan in advance that you'll mingle: "Hey, there's Uncle Z. Have you talked with him yet? I heard he's doing well. Z, how are things?"

If there was abuse or real toxicity between you and sister (and only you know if that's the case, we don't), then maybe you need to forego dinner at dad's if you just cannot even be in the same room with her. If that's the case, you do not need to involve others by saying that's why you can't come. Just say you have other plans and sound regretful.

If you CAN be in the same room with her, please just look at her and acknowledge her existence with at least hello and goodbye because that would be more comfortable for all the other guests than if you simply act as if she's invisible. She may not acknowledge YOU but you will have taken the high road and can just converse with Uncle Z and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Go and play the family drinking game. See how much and how long you can drink before someone comments.

Otherwise, go if you can be civil. If you can't be, stay home or take a trip yourself.