Third grader who has issues w/emotional regulation
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Anonymous
| I think kids who work very hard to hold everything in at school will lose it at home where they are comfortable. If you haven't taken parenting classes, I'd start there. (I realize that might sound snarky, but I don't mean it that way. Parenting classes helped me a great deal.) |
Anonymous
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If there's such a dichotomy between his behavior at school and home, in that he has literally no outbursts at school and is basically a perfect student and the teacher's pet, while at home he's having huge tantrums - well, that suggests that he's probably working SO hard to hold it together all day.
Home is his safe place to let it all out. And this is intensified by the fact that it's the start of the school year with new schedules and demands. |
Anonymous
Amen. |
Anonymous
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OP - It is very important to get a handle on the cause of the behavior change between school and home. You and DH may need guidance in setting house or family rules for all of your children. The behavior of DS is obviously impacting not only you and DH, but also his siblings. You admit what has been tried has not worked so far and the outbursts you describe are a pressure release for some reason(s) for your young son which need to be understood.
Third grade is a big jump in educational expectations on teachers as well as children and this may be an added factor DS will be dealing with as the year and testing come up. Also in many scool divisions there is testing for magnet school selection as in MOCO or ither gifted learning opportunities. He needs an evaluation, but I would start with sharing your concerns with his pediatrician to see what he recommends as he/ she would know DS and your family much better than an anonymous board. I will add that it can be an "inner pressures" within the child that if not recognized may only build with greater impact further along. I do see recommendations to read "The Explosive Child" mentioned often here. Many years ago we did not recognize the signs which only flared up very intermittently, but blew up in college. It is a regret that DH and I have as we were focused on a younger daughter with an Intellectual Disability. I will add it was most trying for middle daughter who was in the middle of both. We also did not understand the impact that "family genes" can have on mental health so again try and look honestly at the mental health history of both you and DH as it coukd help in understanding DS. |
Anonymous
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OP, I empathize with your post, and with the reactions you are getting here. I have a son who periodically raises similar concerns w/ us and I get similar responses here.
I think the fact that your son consistently does so well academically tells you a great deal. I would start w/ the absolute basics - try to get more sleep into his schedule, maybe some more physical burn time when he gets home from school, and check his diet. Truly - the basics. Run him hard, feed him well and put him to bed early. If some of his behavior is the result of acclimating to a newly rigorous school year those things would help. I also think talking w/ a very skilled child therapist would help too. We have done that and it's great to talk to someone very skilled in the age range who can simultaneously tell us that our son NT and has no signs of anything diagnosable, but who also has the ability to recommend specific coping mechanisms, parenting approaches, self-soothing/emotional regulation skills for the child, etc... I would also say that you might find Ross Greene's work useful. www.livesinthebalance.org And you might look back at your history here and note the cycles and patterns. I find that when I'm dealing w/ some sort of behavioral nightmare it is comforting to look back and realize that for my child there is a pattern of a few months of incredible challenge, followed by an amazing leap in emotional/intellectual/physical development. Things settle down and we think we're past the difficulties and then a year or 18 months (or sometimes less) we hit another rough spot. Being able to see that those periods do come to an end offers great help when we're in the trenches. Perhaps your son is old enough for some yoga or meditation or mindfulness activities? I'm trying that w/ mine (and for myself) and there is great help in those approaches for the whole family. Hang in there. It will be ok and you are doing a great job as a parent. Good luck! |
Anonymous
+1. Agree with this PP that the fact your child is doing well in school tells you a lot and that it's very reassuring. Would add that it's possible something that is going on at home is reinforcing the meltdowns. You may be able to fix it with something as simple as 1-2-3 Magic or other technique. Also can't emphasize enough how important sleep can be. Make sure your child is getting the recommended hours and if he has trouble getting to sleep consider melatonin. Worked wonders for a child I know. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry your thread has been derailed, OP. I've been in a similar position as you and this is what I would recommend:
1. You need to 'control' for those things in your home life that are contributing to your DS's dysregulation. 2. Brush up on your parenting techniques and re-evaluate your home routine. 3. Taking a class from Dr Shapiro would be a good way to assess if what you're doing at home could be improved. http://www.parentchildjourney.com/journey/ 4. Make sure your DS has excellent sleep hygiene 5. You may consider eliminating all screen time for everyone during the week (even for my NT kid, transitions to/from screen time was tough) 6. Try to identify triggers and patters to your DS's behaviors. A log may be helpful. Find out what he did at school the days he has a meltdown at home. If, after controlling for these things, you DS is still dysregulated, your next steps will become more clear. Any service provider you see at that point will want to know what you're doing at home and how you've tried to address it - how you've tried to 'control' for it. |
Anonymous
Dr. Shapiro's class is called "Parent Child Journey" and new classes are starting in early October. He also has a book with the same name. http://www.parentchildjourney.com/journey/ |
Anonymous
I agree with this 100%. My son has difficulties with emotional regulation and third grade was his low point. He's now in 5th and things have gotten much better as he's matured. However, he still takes a tremendous amount of parenting. To be a happy, functional kid he needs a lot of sleep, regular meals, few to no last minute schedule changes and a TON of "debriefing" time and one-on-one time with us. If he's tired or hungry or feeling marginalized by us (i.e. we're busy at work and not able to talk him through things or whatever) he suffers. In contrast, his sisters are practically on auto-pilot. They're really functional on little sleep, when they're starving, etc. They just take far, far less parenting on a day to day basis. |
Anonymous
My son is like this. Immediately after school is a particularly vulnerable time for him. I bring a protein shake that I give to him in the car. Sometimes we stop at a park to let him play or we turn on an audiobook. Eliminating / minimizing screen time during the week also helped. He's completely lost screen privileges a few times, including yesterday after having a fit, so he's well aware that it's a privilege that goes away if it's causing problems. |
Anonymous
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I have an 8 yr old that has the same issues. I did speak to my pediatrician about it - and she said what others are saying here. He's wiped out at the end of the day. He also knows it's safe or ok to melt down at home.
We've been struggling with this since he was younger. He used to melt down over odd things. We've learned to just give him space. |