awful turn in brother's divorce

[Anonymous]

But Im worried--what if the judge believes it? he will spend his entire life financially and emotionally beholden to this insane person?

Don't worry, it's not your money. Brother will not pay her for years on end. Due to abuse, insanity or otherwise. He may pay support for a period of time due to the length of marriage -10 years- but it shouldn't be lengthy. They will have to split assets and liabilities. Of course he should hire a lawyer! Ex SIL can ask for anything and everything, doesn't mean she'll get it.

[Anonymous]

How do you know he wasn't abusive? You don't, he wouldnt have done it in front of you.

[Anonymous]

People always ask for the sun, moon, and stars in their opening demand letter. Of course she wants permanent alimony. He should get a lawyer and stop being "stunned" that his crazy ass wife wants crazy ass things.

[Anonymous]

If she was WG09 I'd like to try to help. Is she 2009?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always ask for the sun, moon, and stars in their opening demand letter. Of course she wants permanent alimony. He should get a lawyer and stop being "stunned" that his crazy ass wife wants crazy ass things.

+1. It is not the time to be emotional. Let his lawyer handle it.

[Anonymous]

My guess based on my experience with a situation that sounds similar is that, a) the abuse statement will be thrown out unless there is police documentation of abuse having occurred. b) he will have to pay her 8-10 years of support or a buyout in that range. He should try hard to take the emotion out and think of it as a business deal and cut his losses. It is highly unlikely that an educated 36 year old will be granted lifetime support for the reasons you stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the lawyer is stirring things up. He should document her many job interviews and maybe get info on what happened with that one job she blew on the visiting day. It's all about documentation.

Yeah, the lawyer probably put these ideas into her head. She bought into it b/c it's a great way to rationalize her lack of career. I don't blame him for being hurt. He's lucky to have your support.

[Anonymous]

He needs a lawyer. You can be a witness. Judges can smell bullshit as long as your brother is honest, calm in court, and professional and reasonable in his self-presentation.

[Anonymous]

How do you know he wasn't abusive? You don't, he wouldnt have done it in front of you.

Let's say that I have never, ever heard my brother raise his voice at *anyone*--he is as meek as they come (part of his problem); in fact, she would berate him at times in front of others which was always really unbecoming. But she would often talk about how supportive he was and she was definitely free to do what she wanted---I mean, what spouse supports someone in B school on the other side of the country, paying for housing, travel, etc (and he always went to see her) if the ultimate plan was to prevent her from working (and to what end? My brother would have loved the income so he didn't have to sole support her). I have been there when she talked about her jobs--never once did anything remotely to the effect that my brother was *preventing* her from working come up--quite the opposite.

there are no police reports, no calls ever to domestic violence, no separations earlier, she traveled frequently to see her family, friends vacations, and basically had financial freedom thanks to my brother. I assume there are documents about their relationships, emails and the like. They went to a few sessions of joint marital counseling together, none of this came up. When she left him, she told him (and my mom, in writing I think) that it was because they disagreed on children and that my brother was not ready to be a father and that she needed to move on and focus on herself. Also, I dont think she can supply any written job offers, but I'm not sure of the allegations. In fact, when she first left him, she asked if he would not file legal separation because she wanted to get her US citizenship. He said he would hold of for a year but it could take years and he didn't think that was good for either of them. Also, she originally asked for a collaborative divorce, which didn't really make sense as they had no kids, but i imagine you dont do that if you're escaping an abusive partner. So she has a lot of different demands and different stories. Oh, and during the period the abuse was supposedly so awful, they were trying for kids (which she wanted). Perhaps her history of mental illness will be brought up but who knows if that makes a difference--my brother was worried that it would make him responsible for her even more.

As someone pointed out, its really awful because there are abused women and she is perpetuating the stereotype of lying and making up abuse and that makes it harder for women who truly are abused.

I might seem over invested--but I am the only one my brother is talking to about this. He is kind of a loner (shy, quiet), doesn't have many close friends and doesn't want to (yet) tell my parents. We have only spoken about it once, and I am trying to give him advice because he is just not capable of imagining someone could do this. The other thing that is hard for him is that he was really close with her parents; in fact when they first split, her parents were trying to convince him that their relationship was salvageable, etc, and he said he really missed being part of their family. So its doubly hard that they are supporting their daughter in this (or maybe they are not, who knows).

argh. I am so angry for him. I really hope his lawyer is good. the guy didn't seem to confident it would all just go away.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op. This sounds awful. Help your brother get a good lawyer. It's hard to imagine she would get any support when there are no children, particularly when she's so well educated.

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure since their married life was in the US, the divorce settlement has to go through US courts, which don't typically give lifetime support
In fact, she may owe HIM for the MBA tuition

[Anonymous]

How do you know all these details if you've only spoken about this once?

And how do you know what they discussed in their marital counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're brother is going through this, but you seem incredibly invested in brother's relationship.

What a rude post.

That is how most siblings operate. They love and care for one another and hurt when the others are hurting.

Are you an only?

No, I'm not. I have two siblings. But if SIL was this involved in my relationship with DH, that would definitely cause issues between us.

The overinvestment shows that she feels the need to spill WAY BEYOND what belongs on an "anonymous" website.

Step away, OP. Your brother needs a good lawyer. No one needs details like this on the web, even if anonymous.

[Anonymous]

People can and will allege anything they want in a divorce.

Judges take it all with a grain of salt.

I wouldn't get too upset. People allege these sorts of things all the time.

[Anonymous]

From the point of view of a lawyer, this isn't what I would call an awful turn. It's pretty average. I realize people panic at allegations flung at them but this is so common, so mundane. The best thing you can do is not panic along with your brother. This is not an event. It's only her saying "Here's what I'd like to happen if there were pie in the sky."