Boyfriend would like to start going Dutch on dates after 8 months

[Anonymous]

I think going dutch is fair, but only as long as it's not defined strictly by how much money you spend but rather by taking turns planning/funding dates, because this spreads the overall burden of planning/paying for dates between you while letting you each pick the kind of date that works for your budget. If your budget is tight and the kind of date you can afford is to cook a nice meal at home and then find a great movie on Netflix that neither of you has seen before, then that's an appropriate date to plan. If he would like to plan his dates as dinner out at an expensive restaurant followed by expensive event tickets and he has the money to do that, great. But you shouldn't have to pay for expensive dates that are outside your budget just because he has expensive tastes. If he can't respect where you are financially (because really, no one should be criticizing someone else for living frugally in order pay off debt), then this isn't a good relationship for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Why do you think he should be paying your way all the time? Why is it his problem that you have debt and he earns and saves more?

Go Dutch on everything, and live within the budget you can live with.

That is lame, he stays at her place 1/2 his life rent free. He is a bit of a freeloader. So he pays for her food every once in a while big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Why do you think he should be paying your way all the time? Why is it his problem that you have debt and he earns and saves more?

Go Dutch on everything, and live within the budget you can live with.

That is lame, he stays at her place 1/2 his life rent free. He is a bit of a freeloader. So he pays for her food every once in a while big deal.

Her place is a sunk cost. She'd pay the rent there boyfriend or not. Sure, his being there may use a bit more water or electricity, but it's negligible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Why do you think he should be paying your way all the time? Why is it his problem that you have debt and he earns and saves more?

Go Dutch on everything, and live within the budget you can live with.

That is lame, he stays at her place 1/2 his life rent free. He is a bit of a freeloader. So he pays for her food every once in a while big deal.

Her place is a sunk cost. She'd pay the rent there boyfriend or not. Sure, his being there may use a bit more water or electricity, but it's negligible.

But if she were doing the same thing he was doing and living with her parents instead of paying rent on her own place, they'd have no place they could hang out together and have any privacy. That OP is paying rent on her own place means her boyfriend has a place to go other than his parents' house that he doesn't have to pay for. If instead he had to bring every girlfriend and ONS back to mommy and daddy's house so he could have sex, he might start paying his own rent elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you and your BF? Why are you dating someone who lives at home? If he's making twice what you make, whatever that is, for sure he can afford a place of his own.

[Anonymous]

If you thought he was trying to save some money to get an engagement ring or put a down-payment on a house for you, would you agree?

You don't know why he's balking at the expense, but he is. If you don't want to pay more, why don't you suggest more dates in and cut the total spending per month. We didn't spend $800 a month when we were dating. And even though that was some time ago, I do know friends now who date and don't spend that much. Suggest finding some free alternatives instead of always going out and spending money and see if that is a compromise that he can agree to.

[Anonymous]

There are so many red flags with this boyfriend of yours, I really don't recommend you hold on to him. Sharing expenses when going out is actually reasonable, but his entire way of life and behavior is really off-putting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you thought he was trying to save some money to get an engagement ring or put a down-payment on a house for you, would you agree?

You don't know why he's balking at the expense, but he is. If you don't want to pay more, why don't you suggest more dates in and cut the total spending per month. We didn't spend $800 a month when we were dating. And even though that was some time ago, I do know friends now who date and don't spend that much. Suggest finding some free alternatives instead of always going out and spending money and see if that is a compromise that he can agree to.

Did you actually read OP's post? This isn't OP's boyfriend saying he needs to cut back expenses and OP getting pissed that they're not going out to high-end restaurants every week. OP wants to be able to cook his favorite meals for dates, he tells her he doesn't want her to cook and wants to go out. She offered to get a second job to help pay for dates out, he told her he doesn't want her to do that either. Boyfriend seems to want to keep up the nice lifestyle while having OP fund it with money she doesn't have.

[Anonymous]

He's cheap and will only get worse. Get out now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are so many red flags with this boyfriend of yours, I really don't recommend you hold on to him. Sharing expenses when going out is actually reasonable, but his entire way of life and behavior is really off-putting.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think going dutch is fair, but only as long as it's not defined strictly by how much money you spend but rather by taking turns planning/funding dates, because this spreads the overall burden of planning/paying for dates between you while letting you each pick the kind of date that works for your budget. If your budget is tight and the kind of date you can afford is to cook a nice meal at home and then find a great movie on Netflix that neither of you has seen before, then that's an appropriate date to plan. If he would like to plan his dates as dinner out at an expensive restaurant followed by expensive event tickets and he has the money to do that, great. But you shouldn't have to pay for expensive dates that are outside your budget just because he has expensive tastes. If he can't respect where you are financially (because really, no one should be criticizing someone else for living frugally in order pay off debt), then this isn't a good relationship for you.

This x a million.

[Anonymous]

Once you go from "dating" to a LTR (8 months is LT) the rules change. There is no mathematical formula but but eight months you should be free to have a good enough discussion about what's reasonable.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "he lives at home with his parents". Either move in with him and his parents or drop him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He makes twice as much as you and he lives at home with his parents and he spends 3-4 nights a week at your place. He's a loser! Charge him rent if he wants to go dutch. Chances are you're not having sex at his parents place.

I actually just met his parents 2 weeks ago at his bday dinner so that was the first time I visited his home so you're correct, we don't have sex at his home.

Someone else asked about our shipping trips, never anything expensive... maybe $100-200.

No, it isn't his problem that I have debt, I am not the one suggesting going out... to $200 restaurants I keep a running list of dates that costs less than $30 (so I can pay) and he always say, don't worry about it this time.. and week after week, it continued until boom, here we are.

I greatly appreciate the feedback thus far.

[Anonymous]

Honey, don't listen to these bitter old dcum women, they're just full of hate for men. You sound like a kind giving young woman who unfortunately is being taken advantage of. Have a conversation with your man and find out if he plans on growing up anytime soon. If not, drop him fast and move on. Sounds like a real mommas boy and you do not want that in your life. Good luck!