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Expectant and Postpartum Moms
Not Discussing Baby Names with Friends and Family
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Anonymous
| I have a friend who told people her choice for her baby boy, and her neighbor actually used to wait for her outside when she got home from work to say "You aren't really still thinking of using that name, are you?" It wasn't even an offensive name . . . it was Noah. People don't know how to keep their noses out of other people's business, so I totally understand keeping it a secret. |
Anonymous
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We got so used to not revealing the name that when my OB asked if we had one, as our daughter was being delivered, we simply said, "yes," and didn't actually tell the name without further prompting.
Part of us not telling the name was simply that we had so much baby-related misfortune before having this child, that we felt like we wanted her physically here before she officially got her name -- a bit superstitious, I guess. She had complications at birth and things were touch and go for her first few hours, so it was really special to finally see her and say her name out loud to her. In the end, she was one of the first people to hear it, and that meant a lot to us. |
Anonymous
First of all, wow - I'm surprised at hearing about the number of people who bug others about telling the name beforehand and also the number of people who seem to tell the name beforehand. I would never think of asking the name beforehand and even thought it was kind of taboo. Most people I've known, as standard practice, if you will, don't reveal the name until birth - for reasons others have stated. And as far as revealing the name beforehand or even calling the baby by that name, I guess I'm with this poster in the superstitious camp. I don't feel right telling the name or referring to the name before birth for some reason. I guess I just don't want that type of identity until I seem him/her and know they are really here and okay. And for OP who's MIL actually bought a personalized item with the name she likes - WOW. WOW. WOW. I think I might have to go off on her for that one. And by the way, we recently found out the gender but aren't telling that either. It's all personal choice, I guess. |
Anonymous
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I can't believe that people DO share the name before the birth! This is your child's name that you will say every single day for probably the rest of your life, at least the next 18 years, and you should be happy about it. Before the birth, people are much more likely (as many PPs have pointed out) to tell you what their association is with the name you have chosen. It bursts the bubble you have in your head, changes the unique association you have with that name, and just ruins it. I made the mistake of sharing with my best friend a couple of potential names with my first child, and I regretted doing so. She wasn't rude, but I just didn't need the noise in my head of what the name made HER think of. I actually did tell her the name this time as well, but only because we had already decided for sure on it and were not still tossing names around. But no one else. Based on whether we got positive comments (my mom, surprisingly) or no comment at all (my dad, my MIL) I can gather whether people like the name or not, but they don't have the temerity to say anything once the baby is there and named.
The bottom line is that it's none of anyone's business. I was actually offended at being asked, to be honest. By EVERYONE, from coworkers I barely knew to my OB! I think it is so rude. Because once you tell someone the name, they have to say "oh that's a nice name" whether they think so or not, and frankly I don't care if they like the name and don't need the fake compliment. Stay strong and stick to your guns! |
Anonymous
| We had decided on names, but we just told everyone we were still deciding. We still got lots of suggestions, to which we answered, "Oh, that is nice", but we avoided the hurt feelings with not telling and the bizarre judgments. |
Anonymous
| We didn't discuss baby names with the first and are following the same rule with our second. There are so few surprises left in the baby making world, so we like at least the name to be a surprise. I can't believe that people get offended by not revealing the name before the birth. |
Anonymous
| OP here, I feel a lot better now! Thanks! One of the most common responses we would get is, "Oh, don't name her that, I went to school with a _____ and she as fat, or ugly, or whatever..." I am like, seriously? You don't want me to name my child something because you went to high school with a fat girl? PLEASE! The name we chose, we haven't told anyone and like one of the PP's said, we can't wait to call her by her name first instead of everyone talking into my belly at her. It's a special bond between our daughter nobody else will get to share! Thanks again! |
Anonymous
| We planned to tell absolutely no one prior to our daughter being born - seems pretty standard practice for folks I know, and I don't remember anyone being offended that we wouldn't tell them. |
Anonymous
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We didn't tell the name with either of our children. I was afraid my parents wouldn't like my daughter's name and I didn't want to hear about it.
That said, I know people enjoy conversations about baby names and I did participate in these, offering up names I liked and didn't like, just never the one I ended up using. I also did in the final days confide in a close friend and tell her my name - I did want to make sure I wasn't picking something weird and I also needed help with a middle name. It does bug me a bit when people won't even play the "what names do you like" game but I completely understand not wanting to tip your hand. |
Anonymous
We didn't reveal our names until the baby was born. When people asked, we would either tell them that we were going with something traditional, or we would give them a totally outrageous name that everybody knew we would never use. That seemed to diffuse the situation. If people pressed, we would just say flat out that we didn't want to reveal the name because we didn't want to hear peoples' comments. Nobody argued with that! Af far as your MIL is concerned, I would just tell her that the name she has chosen is not the name you picked. |
Anonymous
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We've been through this 3 times and always kept the name a secret until the baby arrived. I had heard too many stories about people revealing the name earlier and then having family/friends tell them how disappointed they were with the selection. We always told our family/friends that they were welcome to write a name on a piece of paper and hand it to us and that we would take it into consideration. Of course most of the time we just looked at the paper and threw it in the trash. However, it just so happens, that one of my MIL's suggestions of a family name actually helped us solidify the name for our daughter. Another reason for doing this is that you are also open to making last minute changes which we did once (while I was sitting in triage in labor), and which my parents also did on the way to the hospital when I was being born.
I think it is funny how opinionated some people are about naming someone else's child. My sister is still disappointed that I didn't give one of my children my maiden name as a first name. |
Anonymous
| We didn't tell our familes the name we'd chosen until the very end. In general, people were fine with it, though my parents (who were coincidentally the reason I wanted to keep the name to ourselves) both took some degree of offense to it...my mother thinks she is excused from pretty much all rules, and my dad took it to mean we had picked something horrible. You will likely still hear opinions on names - a lot of people (including my dad, who was awfully up to date on unfortunate celebrity baby names) still offered up their own ideas, but most took "we're keeping the name to ourselves" in stride. |
Anonymous
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I know tons of people who did this, and IMO the people who don't are asking for trouble!
We were just honest: for several months, we said "We have a short list we're working from, but we're still narrowing it down. We're not ready to share them." And then when we finally picked, something like 7.5 months, we said, "Yes, we've picked one, but we don't want to tell until after the baby is born." As far as I know, no one was offended at all. And people have told me the same thing, and I haven't been offended at all. Nothing wrong with keeping it private and kind of special -- plus avoiding people telling you how ugly your beloved name is... Sounds like you will have your hands full with that MIL, OP... |
Anonymous
We are doing the same thing. At first I told people that we hadn't picked a name yet which apparently signaled to them that I wanted all of their suggestions. 
When I got tired of hearing them (my MIL would call my husband and read him the list of names she had started keeping for us... seriously) I changed my answer to be "Yes, we have, but we're not telling anyone until she gets here in case we change our minds once we meet her." People seem to totally get it. Only person that won't let it go is my mother. My response to her is the same every time "Mom, you already know it's a girl. Don't you want a surprise of some sort when I call you from the hospital?" That seems to keep her quiet. |
Anonymous
| i agree with the pp -- i just feel nervous almost revealing too soon -- like i'm going ot jinx it. i want to wait until baby is really here. my folks don't get it -- they keep needling me =- knowing i can't keep a secret worth a damn. this weekend on th phone with my almost 3yo my mother tried to get it out of him -- So, grammy hears that your friend X now has a baby sister... what's her name? and your friend x has a baby sister, what's her name... both times my son had perfect recall... then, before i knew what was happening, grammy says --so what's your baby brother's name going to be? luckily DS said -- he will be baby Abby (his friend's little sister's name) too! WHEW!!! |