I think I gave my SO an STD..what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait. He may be already carrying. Chances are he's been exposed over 14 years. If he notices new symptoms, you are shocked, get checks, and low and behold have it too.

He's going to think you cheated.

[Anonymous]

The stigma around hsv is terrible, but chances are he was exposed years ago and probably won't have an outbreak.

It's really unethical to not tell him prior to sex, but on the other hand everyone who has ever had a cold sore has hsv too, and I highly doubt they are disclosing before every kiss or oral sex.

[Anonymous]

Crazy thing...ive been married for 19 years. I have herpes (found out first time when i was pregnant). DH has never contracted it and id say we have sex way more than the average couple and have never ever used even a condom..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for 14 years. I have always been very careful to ensure I'm not having an outbreak before any type of activity. I can always tell the pre-signs and make up reasons to not be intimate. On Friday night we had sex (oral too), and then Saturday afternoon when I took a shower I felt a sore area. I'm devastated! I had a gf that had cold sores and he always said how nasty she was. I knew he would leave me if he knew the truth. Now I just hate myself, because I may have hurt the one person that has always been in my corner and who genuinely loves me. Do I just confess now,even though he might not have been infected, or wait until the symptoms start and then pretend I didn't know? I could have just been a carrier all these years and now with my recent immune system problems, it just appeared. There is no cure so it's not like waiting will make it worse. The thought of losing him is too much to bear.

Allowing that this isn't bogus I am going to respond.

I don't have a STD but even I know that immune system problems can cause your STD to 'flair' up. Surely you knew that.

OP is talking about herpes, and stress can cause outbreaks.

I don't have genital herpes, but when I was in college, I'd always get a cold sore during finals week. It really sucked. If op is under stress, illness most certainly could lead to an outbreak.

I know that...it's the immune system thing that OP claims they didn't know could cause a breakout I questioned.

And I would be more than pissed that someone chose to not tell me something as important as what the OP withheld. It would call in question many other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stigma around hsv is terrible, but chances are he was exposed years ago and probably won't have an outbreak.

It's really unethical to not tell him prior to sex, but on the other hand everyone who has ever had a cold sore has hsv too, and I highly doubt they are disclosing before every kiss or oral sex.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait. He may be already carrying. Chances are he's been exposed over 14 years. If he notices new symptoms, you are shocked, get checks, and low and behold have it too.

He's going to think you cheated.

DH here: +1. Look at it from his perspective. He's been monogamous (presumably) for many years, and all of a sudden gets herpes? I'd certainly think that. It's much easier to believe and truthfully less disturbing than the fact that you have been covering this up for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for 14 years. I have always been very careful to ensure I'm not having an outbreak before any type of activity. I can always tell the pre-signs and make up reasons to not be intimate. On Friday night we had sex (oral too), and then Saturday afternoon when I took a shower I felt a sore area. I'm devastated! I had a gf that had cold sores and he always said how nasty she was. I knew he would leave me if he knew the truth. Now I just hate myself, because I may have hurt the one person that has always been in my corner and who genuinely loves me. Do I just confess now,even though he might not have been infected, or wait until the symptoms start and then pretend I didn't know? I could have just been a carrier all these years and now with my recent immune system problems, it just appeared. There is no cure so it's not like waiting will make it worse. The thought of losing him is too much to bear.

Allowing that this isn't bogus I am going to respond.

I don't have a STD but even I know that immune system problems can cause your STD to 'flair' up. Surely you knew that.

OP is talking about herpes, and stress can cause outbreaks.

I don't have genital herpes, but when I was in college, I'd always get a cold sore during finals week. It really sucked. If op is under stress, illness most certainly could lead to an outbreak.

I know that...it's the immune system thing that OP claims they didn't know could cause a breakout I questioned.

And I would be more than pissed that someone chose to not tell me something as important as what the OP withheld. It would call in question many other things.

Actually weakened immune systems can cause outbreaks. http://www.livestrong.com/article/273060-how-to-build-your-immune-system-to-fight-herpes/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy thing...ive been married for 19 years. I have herpes (found out first time when i was pregnant). DH has never contracted it and id say we have sex way more than the average couple and have never ever used even a condom..

Have you ever had an outbreak that you're aware of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy thing...ive been married for 19 years. I have herpes (found out first time when i was pregnant). DH has never contracted it and id say we have sex way more than the average couple and have never ever used even a condom..

You can have herpes for years and never have an outbreak, so unless he's been tested you can't say he doesn't have it. You can also spread it even when you don't have sores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stigma around hsv is terrible, but chances are he was exposed years ago and probably won't have an outbreak.

It's really unethical to not tell him prior to sex, but on the other hand everyone who has ever had a cold sore has hsv too, and I highly doubt they are disclosing before every kiss or oral sex.

- 1

We are discussing OP and her husband, OP knew she had herpes and she selfishly did not inform her husband. If this was a husband talking about his wife you would be screaming divorce, because he lied and took the choice away from her.

Same measuring stick for OP.

It really doesn't matter if other people do something wrong, it's not a justification for your behavior.

Not informing your sexual partner of an STD/STI is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wait. He may be already carrying. Chances are he's been exposed over 14 years. If he notices new symptoms, you are shocked, get checks, and low and behold have it too.

He's going to think you cheated.

DH here: +1. Look at it from his perspective. He's been monogamous (presumably) for many years, and all of a sudden gets herpes? I'd certainly think that. It's much easier to believe and truthfully less disturbing than the fact that you have been covering this up for so long.

Agree. There's no easy way out of this, in his mind you are either a cheater or a manipulative liar for your entire relationship he is going to wonder what else she lied about. It's really unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for 14 years. I have always been very careful to ensure I'm not having an outbreak before any type of activity. I can always tell the pre-signs and make up reasons to not be intimate. On Friday night we had sex (oral too), and then Saturday afternoon when I took a shower I felt a sore area. I'm devastated! I had a gf that had cold sores and he always said how nasty she was. I knew he would leave me if he knew the truth. Now I just hate myself, because I may have hurt the one person that has always been in my corner and who genuinely loves me. Do I just confess now,even though he might not have been infected, or wait until the symptoms start and then pretend I didn't know? I could have just been a carrier all these years and now with my recent immune system problems, it just appeared. There is no cure so it's not like waiting will make it worse. The thought of losing him is too much to bear.

Allowing that this isn't bogus I am going to respond.

I don't have a STD but even I know that immune system problems can cause your STD to 'flair' up. Surely you knew that.

OP is talking about herpes, and stress can cause outbreaks.

I don't have genital herpes, but when I was in college, I'd always get a cold sore during finals week. It really sucked. If op is under stress, illness most certainly could lead to an outbreak.

A healthy immune system keeps the virus in check so you can go years without an outbreak. Stress itself is not the cause of an outbreak but it can weaken the immune system resulting in an outbreak. There are also a lot of other things that can also weaken the immune system and cause outbreaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for 14 years. I have always been very careful to ensure I'm not having an outbreak before any type of activity. I can always tell the pre-signs and make up reasons to not be intimate. On Friday night we had sex (oral too), and then Saturday afternoon when I took a shower I felt a sore area. I'm devastated! I had a gf that had cold sores and he always said how nasty she was. I knew he would leave me if he knew the truth. Now I just hate myself, because I may have hurt the one person that has always been in my corner and who genuinely loves me. Do I just confess now,even though he might not have been infected, or wait until the symptoms start and then pretend I didn't know? I could have just been a carrier all these years and now with my recent immune system problems, it just appeared. There is no cure so it's not like waiting will make it worse. The thought of losing him is too much to bear.

Allowing that this isn't bogus I am going to respond.

I don't have a STD but even I know that immune system problems can cause your STD to 'flair' up. Surely you knew that.

OP is talking about herpes, and stress can cause outbreaks.

I don't have genital herpes, but when I was in college, I'd always get a cold sore during finals week. It really sucked. If op is under stress, illness most certainly could lead to an outbreak.

I know that...it's the immune system thing that OP claims they didn't know could cause a breakout I questioned.

And I would be more than pissed that someone chose to not tell me something as important as what the OP withheld. It would call in question many other things.

Actually weakened immune systems can cause outbreaks. http://www.livestrong.com/article/273060-how-to-build-your-immune-system-to-fight-herpes/

That's what I said "even I know that immune system problems can cause your STD to 'flair' up. Surely you knew that."

So OP should have been aware that if they have been having this issue....

Unless of course they were lying about that and intend to lie that they knew they had herpes and only JUST NOW found out...

[Anonymous]

I thought it was illegal not to disclose.

Or is that just HIV?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait. He may be already carrying. Chances are he's been exposed over 14 years. If he notices new symptoms, you are shocked, get checks, and low and behold have it too.

This is what you should do.