14 year old son only wants to be with friends

[Anonymous]

OP here... I think maybe moderation re: sleepovers... like 2 nights in a row over the summer is enough? I'm not sure... my only rationale is that I want him to be connected to his family.... and not always be at other peoples' places. From their homes, he can walk to bethesda, so maybe that's the attractor-- but we also have to be careful re: supervision.

I appreciate the comment about not twisting myself up to get him to enjoy this trip. It's just hard b/c we don't go on many trips...

He's a good kid, but he is just really in the teen phase and he's a boy, so he doesn't share that much. I need to realistic that he might like some things and be bored by others. I do think it's a good idea to have him tell friends he can't talk. It's annoying in that that thing buzzes constantly.... Thx for input

[Anonymous]

My honest opinion is that if you pull to hard and force togetherness you'll get the opposite of that.

For sleepovers, it's summer let them have as many as they want so long as the other set of parents are cool with it and the boys are behaving.
Make a rule that they have to come to family dinner once a week, for us that was Sundays.

For vacation, keep the same phone rules that you do at home or less I wouldn't ban it completely on vacation.

[Anonymous]

My son is 13 and very similar to your son OP Except rather than do multiple sleepovers, he wants to constantly be connected on his telephone with his friends. Summer is half over, so now are implementing "no telephone" times. We are at the beach this week and my son has periodically acted little bit sullen, but overall when the electronics are put away he has a lot of fun with his sister. They do not typically enjoy the same thing, so we are taking turns doing things that he enjoys and the family has to do and things that she enjoys that the family has to do. So far, so good. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... I think maybe moderation re: sleepovers... like 2 nights in a row over the summer is enough? I'm not sure... my only rationale is that I want him to be connected to his family.... and not always be at other peoples' places. From their homes, he can walk to bethesda, so maybe that's the attractor-- but we also have to be careful re: supervision.

I appreciate the comment about not twisting myself up to get him to enjoy this trip. It's just hard b/c we don't go on many trips...

He's a good kid, but he is just really in the teen phase and he's a boy, so he doesn't share that much. I need to realistic that he might like some things and be bored by others. I do think it's a good idea to have him tell friends he can't talk. It's annoying in that that thing buzzes constantly.... Thx for input

I have established times when they can be on electronics/screen time (including phone!). I don't want my kids to think it's normal to constantly be connected. I'm sorry but it's just ridiculous how many texts one of my teen gets. It's just too much.

Think about when we were growing up, did your parents let you have the tv on all day? Or talk on the phone all day? Likely not. Similar thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... I think maybe moderation re: sleepovers... like 2 nights in a row over the summer is enough? I'm not sure... my only rationale is that I want him to be connected to his family.... and not always be at other peoples' places. From their homes, he can walk to bethesda, so maybe that's the attractor-- but we also have to be careful re: supervision.

I appreciate the comment about not twisting myself up to get him to enjoy this trip. It's just hard b/c we don't go on many trips...

He's a good kid, but he is just really in the teen phase and he's a boy, so he doesn't share that much. I need to realistic that he might like some things and be bored by others. I do think it's a good idea to have him tell friends he can't talk. It's annoying in that that thing buzzes constantly.... Thx for input

He sounds like my kid. Good kid but really drawn into the peer friendships right now. As you said, normal.

It is also normal to set the tone with some expectations. We are headed out on a 2 week trip soon and I know my kid will be a little annoyed and bored by it at times. Often, maybe. We just have had frank discussions about how he has spent his summer going to camp and hanging out with friends and now it is time for a little family time even if it feels less fun. We expect him to abide by "screens off" rules to get to sleep on time because we expect him to be up by 8 or 9 many mornings so we can go on outings, even if the outing doesn't sound that fun to him. The point is to be together. We are going to do some activities that appeal to his younger brother so he might find them a little boring. That is fine, he can still be polite. He can have his phone, but not all the time. If we go to the beach in the morning and he doesn't want to go back in the afternoon so he can instead talk to a friend, that's fine. We will expect him to be showered and ready for dinner at X o'clock.

Stuff like that. Basically, we are entering the phase where he tolerates vacations with his parents rather than thinking they are really fun. It's developmentally appropriate. And we still get glimpses of the old kid who really enjoys an activity every now and then.

[Anonymous]

OP, when, in your mind, would you not allow over nights? Just wondering b/c I could see how this habit could morph into trouble as a child wants to drink or try drugs or sleep with a girl friend, or go to questionable parties. If your child knows that he doesn't have to come home at night or eat dinner with you but once a week, doesn't that provide an awful lot of time where he can do things that you don't know about and you won't know about because you can't check in and observe his behavior or condition?

I know some will say "well, you can't be with him all the time" But, to me, I'm going to minimize the opportunity to the extent I can.

I just don't even understand why boys would want to "sleep over" at a certain age. What is to be gained? How many 16 yr olds are sleeping over with their friends on a regular basis? As a parent, I don't want anyone else's kid to be my parenting responsibility that much either. I'd be saying "go home!"

It may be innocent right now.... but I see trouble brewing when teens have too much time away from accountable eyes. I'd be suspicious of teens who want that much time in someone else's bed/floor/home.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I agree re: the sleepovers and I'm trying to figure out what is too much. He is about to turn 14 and his friends are still 13... but they are all super into sleepovers.

Thanks so much to the poster who wrote about the 2 week trip. It sounds like you have a hit the proper level of moderation...,This teen stuff is new territory....he might be bored and I need to be ok with that. I also need to be on top of the possibility of what could happen if he sleeps out too much etc. (during the summer)....

Thx for your input