Passive aggressive comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.

MIL is a very passive aggressive person. I generally hear from FIL what she's upset about because she will never tell me. I'm a busy business owner, wife and mom. Sometimes I miss her passive aggressive comments.

I'm so sorry about your dad.

I would just explain to your MIL that you have some things going on in your extended family that you've been asked not to talk about, and you've been very overwhelmed. Tell her as much as you can to make her feel less like you're abandoning her out of nowhere and for no reason.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. What a tough row to hoe. I second the advice to ignore your MILs comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your problems, OP. I think the best thing you can do is to pretend to be the most remarkably obtuse DIL who ever walked the face of the earth. Just smile and nod to every comment. It drives passive aggressive people nuts when their remarks aren't noticed and you still are able to honor your Dad's wishes. As other PPs indicated eventually your MIL will learn the truth. Best wishes to you and your family.

This is great advice.
Peace to you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your dad is ill is sensitive information that your dad, quite understandably, does not want to get out. He wants to get the company leadership in place before he steps away. He's a good man.

However, "sensitive" is not the same as "classified". Your MIL does have her hands full caring for her sick husband. She is feeling hurt that you seem to place your own family at a much higher priority. Do you think that your MIL could be entrusted to keep the situation with your father's health private? If so, maybe it is time to share with her what is going on with him and YOU. You are her family, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your dad is ill is sensitive information that your dad, quite understandably, does not want to get out. He wants to get the company leadership in place before he steps away. He's a good man.

However, "sensitive" is not the same as "classified". Your MIL does have her hands full caring for her sick husband. She is feeling hurt that you seem to place your own family at a much higher priority. Do you think that your MIL could be entrusted to keep the situation with your father's health private? If so, maybe it is time to share with her what is going on with him and YOU. You are her family, too.

No I don't think she could be entrusted with the information. At some point it would slip while she was talking to SIL and SIL can't keep a secret to save their lives. SIL actually announced our pregnancy to all of DH's family before we were ready to announce(high risk pregnancy and it was very early on). She's never kept a secret. Idk why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about your father, OP. Your MIL is probably feeling a bit abandoned and wondering why you don't rally around your sick FIL more, since she doesn't know what's really going on.

This exactly.

Yup. All evidence available to her suggests she is right. If she can keep a secret, I suggest asking film if you can include her, since not telling her is harming your relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your dad is ill is sensitive information that your dad, quite understandably, does not want to get out. He wants to get the company leadership in place before he steps away. He's a good man.

However, "sensitive" is not the same as "classified". Your MIL does have her hands full caring for her sick husband. She is feeling hurt that you seem to place your own family at a much higher priority. Do you think that your MIL could be entrusted to keep the situation with your father's health private? If so, maybe it is time to share with her what is going on with him and YOU. You are her family, too.

No I don't think she could be entrusted with the information. At some point it would slip while she was talking to SIL and SIL can't keep a secret to save their lives. SIL actually announced our pregnancy to all of DH's family before we were ready to announce(high risk pregnancy and it was very early on). She's never kept a secret. Idk why.

O.k. then maybe you could talk in a more general way (no specifics) about some things going on with your extended family that you are not at liberty to discuss right now. But you will fill her in on the details when you can do so. Try to make the time you do spend with her as productive as possible. I am so sorry about your dad. It is really hard to be going through a painful time like that and have other people leaning on you to help them. Remember to take care of yourself and give yourself a break, too, every now and then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your dad is ill is sensitive information that your dad, quite understandably, does not want to get out. He wants to get the company leadership in place before he steps away. He's a good man.

However, "sensitive" is not the same as "classified". Your MIL does have her hands full caring for her sick husband. She is feeling hurt that you seem to place your own family at a much higher priority. Do you think that your MIL could be entrusted to keep the situation with your father's health private? If so, maybe it is time to share with her what is going on with him and YOU. You are her family, too.

No I don't think she could be entrusted with the information. At some point it would slip while she was talking to SIL and SIL can't keep a secret to save their lives. SIL actually announced our pregnancy to all of DH's family before we were ready to announce(high risk pregnancy and it was very early on). She's never kept a secret. Idk why.

O.k. then maybe you could talk in a more general way (no specifics) about some things going on with your extended family that you are not at liberty to discuss right now. But you will fill her in on the details when you can do so. Try to make the time you do spend with her as productive as possible. I am so sorry about your dad. It is really hard to be going through a painful time like that and have other people leaning on you to help them. Remember to take care of yourself and give yourself a break, too, every now and then.

I disagree. This approach is just going to get the rumor mill going. This is like feeding them a tasty tidbit and expecting them not to be ravenous for more.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others who say to ride it out. Put up with her comments, because she really has no idea, and play dumb. Be pleasant and defuse, because once she finds out, she's going to feel terrible about any negativity. Down the road, you will have to talk to her and explain that it was your dad's wish at this point, and apologize for having to leave her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far as nipping her comments, just say something head-on. "Larla, it seems from your comments like something's bothering you. What's on your mind?" If she demurs, point out that she made "xyz" comment and ask what she meant. Keep doing this and she'll either have a direct conversation or else stop with the comments.

MIL is a very passive aggressive person. I generally hear from FIL what she's upset about because she will never tell me. I'm a busy business owner, wife and mom. Sometimes I miss her passive aggressive comments.

I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through now. I know it's especially difficult because you're father is so young. I'm sending good thoughts for strength for you during this time.

As for your MIL, I would just continue to ignore the remarks. Eventually, she will realize what you've been going through. If you act as though you're not getting her remarks, later on she might be able to save face by thinking you never saw that she might be annoyed. Does that make sense? She'll feel bad about your dad when she does realize, this saves her from also having to feel bad about a possible confrontation with you.

This is great advice, and I've started taking one of two tacts with passive-aggressives: The advice above or to be very direct with them. Deliberate obtuseness is almost more satisfying because passive-aggressive people rely on you picking up on their sniping and get satisfaction from making you uncomfortable. Be chipper and cheerful and pretend like you didn't catch it. ("You certainly have been spending a lot of time with your father lately." Actual meaning: "You're spending more time with him that with us." Response: "Yes, we have! It's been so nice to see him more frequently. Last week, we tried that new restaurant on Main Street. Maybe we could take you there sometime? It was really good.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your dad is ill is sensitive information that your dad, quite understandably, does not want to get out. He wants to get the company leadership in place before he steps away. He's a good man.

However, "sensitive" is not the same as "classified". Your MIL does have her hands full caring for her sick husband. She is feeling hurt that you seem to place your own family at a much higher priority. Do you think that your MIL could be entrusted to keep the situation with your father's health private? If so, maybe it is time to share with her what is going on with him and YOU. You are her family, too.

No I don't think she could be entrusted with the information. At some point it would slip while she was talking to SIL and SIL can't keep a secret to save their lives. SIL actually announced our pregnancy to all of DH's family before we were ready to announce(high risk pregnancy and it was very early on). She's never kept a secret. Idk why.

O.k. then maybe you could talk in a more general way (no specifics) about some things going on with your extended family that you are not at liberty to discuss right now. But you will fill her in on the details when you can do so. Try to make the time you do spend with her as productive as possible. I am so sorry about your dad. It is really hard to be going through a painful time like that and have other people leaning on you to help them. Remember to take care of yourself and give yourself a break, too, every now and then.

I disagree. This approach is just going to get the rumor mill going. This is like feeding them a tasty tidbit and expecting them not to be ravenous for more.

MIL is going through a really rough time and if her son and DIL are spending an inordinate amount of time with DIL's family and very little time with MIL, MIL is going to feel very hurt. And MIL is probably going to complain about it to anyone who will listen (assuming that is her personality).

You either find a way to explain to her that your side of the family has something going on, too, that requires your help and attention. Or you continue to keep what is going on with your side of the family a secret and you find a way to give MIL more attention and support during her tough time.

The longer you neglect her w/o explanation the deeper her hurt and resentment will grow towards you. The last thing you need is all of those negative emotions directed at you at this extremely difficult time. But MIL is not a mind reader....she only knows what she's been told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your problems, OP. I think the best thing you can do is to pretend to be the most remarkably obtuse DIL who ever walked the face of the earth. Just smile and nod to every comment. It drives passive aggressive people nuts when their remarks aren't noticed and you still are able to honor your Dad's wishes. As other PPs indicated eventually your MIL will learn the truth. Best wishes to you and your family.

This is exactly what I do with my passive aggressive inlaws. It works wonderfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your dad is ill is sensitive information that your dad, quite understandably, does not want to get out. He wants to get the company leadership in place before he steps away. He's a good man.

However, "sensitive" is not the same as "classified". Your MIL does have her hands full caring for her sick husband. She is feeling hurt that you seem to place your own family at a much higher priority. Do you think that your MIL could be entrusted to keep the situation with your father's health private? If so, maybe it is time to share with her what is going on with him and YOU. You are her family, too.

No I don't think she could be entrusted with the information. At some point it would slip while she was talking to SIL and SIL can't keep a secret to save their lives. SIL actually announced our pregnancy to all of DH's family before we were ready to announce(high risk pregnancy and it was very early on). She's never kept a secret. Idk why.

O.k. then maybe you could talk in a more general way (no specifics) about some things going on with your extended family that you are not at liberty to discuss right now. But you will fill her in on the details when you can do so. Try to make the time you do spend with her as productive as possible. I am so sorry about your dad. It is really hard to be going through a painful time like that and have other people leaning on you to help them. Remember to take care of yourself and give yourself a break, too, every now and then.

I disagree. This approach is just going to get the rumor mill going. This is like feeding them a tasty tidbit and expecting them not to be ravenous for more.

MIL is going through a really rough time and if her son and DIL are spending an inordinate amount of time with DIL's family and very little time with MIL, MIL is going to feel very hurt. And MIL is probably going to complain about it to anyone who will listen (assuming that is her personality).

You either find a way to explain to her that your side of the family has something going on, too, that requires your help and attention. Or you continue to keep what is going on with your side of the family a secret and you find a way to give MIL more attention and support during her tough time.

The longer you neglect her w/o explanation the deeper her hurt and resentment will grow towards you. The last thing you need is all of those negative emotions directed at you at this extremely difficult time. But MIL is not a mind reader....she only knows what she's been told.

If you read the thread, you'll see that they are seeing MIL on a weekly basis and that OP's DH is assisting with home care. MIL is hardly neglected, just a passive-aggressive martyr. Jesus, people have lives and jobs and families. I think the amount of time they're already spending with them in generous. OP's father has the right to privacy about his medical issues, and OP shouldn't have to betray his confidence to pat the head of someone she and her family already see weekly and are already helping. If DH is also learning the family business from FIL, surely MIL could understand that there is a difference between business time and family time there, too. Stop making excuses for emotional vampires.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how your MIL is aware of how much time you are spending with YOUR father and family? Is she following your car? Keep your responses vague--busy with work and summertime schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand how your MIL is aware of how much time you are spending with YOUR father and family? Is she following your car? Keep your responses vague--busy with work and summertime schedules.

When she calls DH and asks where he is he tells her.